| ErAsE mE Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. ..................... WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
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| Hmm what to write what to write.once again i've been going through mood swings x_x one second im so happy the other im terribly sad to the point of suicide. I'm begining to wonder if im bi-polar -_-; Me and my dad have somewhat reconciled, sadly he still hangs on to his small dreams...be it as unrealistic as they are. i hope that when i get to that age..i'll have a better grasp on reality. perhaps his mind has such a tight grasp on reality that he longs for something more then what he has now...his soberity giving birth to unrealistic dreams. I know this post is...random but thats how my life feels, so random not even i can understand it. some times i struggle so much to get out of bed just to be bored, i want so bad to stay asleep for the rest of my life. i want my life to end, but i cant allow myself to take it prematurly. i dont know...somedays i can bare to swallow the shit life brings...and other days i feel it growing sour in my mouth. it's not so much that i want my death for sympathy, or for my family to suffer when i leave, i just wish that they could understand how much i want this to end...like a toy thats grown old..one thats lost its power to keep you satisfied or happy...you just want to toss it out the window and get rid of it. if they see my pain...would they concent to my death? 5.27.03 |
| Well as always i didnt go through with what i had planned, i wasnt able to hug the guy or even talk to him..much x_X gawd i thought i was over my shyness ...the meeting was solid proof that im a fat chicken. oh well what can i do now right? heres a little something for you Megan...you slut: I feel so stupid that i believed you could ever be happy. there was so many things that anger me about you, your snotty gestures, your hurtful words, your "innocent" remarks. Sometimes i enjoy watching you suffer just so that you can come down off your high pedestool. i used to believe that happyness could be achieved for you but now i know you doom everything from the start. i want to perge myself from this negativity. i hate how i was foolish enough to trust you with a deep secret which your stupid loose mouth tainted and ruined. I hate how you hurt the ones that love you, the way you use ppl like your stupid toys. Megan..you stupid slut, you with your "morals" you with your beliefs, you think those will justify hurting those two guys that really loved you? why did you bother showing them affection just to abondon them? then you go after a guy that doesnt give a shit for you, someone that doesnt even know you exist, but you know what? i hope he breaks your heart into a million pieces, you stupid slut...i hope he makes you cry a thousand tears for every heart you shattered. I laid there on the floor, in the darkness, alone with my pain after we got off the phone. for some reason i felt the same pain from when i broke up with my bf, all i could think of was "that poor guy"...yes that poor guy. And as my limp body laid there...i wished for your death. 6.02.03 |
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| Well like..several other times i've managed to ruin yet another friendship, none hurt as much as this..im sure. my life seems to be going down in a spiral pattern, i know that seems to be a cliche to depression but..what else can i say to please you? To top that off i've slipped back into depression, the kind you dont want to wake up for...the kind you wish would just eat you alive to rid yourself of the...well pain. I've made several mistakes in my life, the sad part being...that its such a short life. i know if i had the chance to go back and change them.. i would do them all over again. not because i want to but because i "have" to, like a crack whore needs her juice..i need my fix of hurt. Heh i invtented the new drug, the drug for the 21st century you see..im not the type that learns with lessons, if someone hurts me or uses me i'll end that relationship to go with another person who will do just the same and for a while it will keep me happy because...at least its a different type of hurt... right? I repeat this process till i luck out and find a good person, up until now i havent met that person because i wont let myself see him and ..honestly i know i will never find him because..i cant be happy, i wont let myself be happy. I feel like my own cruel executioner finding any fault, a sign of weakness in my fragil human body where my cold steal will slice right through. "Hi, my name is Alma...im addicted to pain" i can imagin myself saying this as i stand amongst strangers, strangers that watch me with shattered souls "how did i get here? i was supposed to grow up and become famous...become rich" thats what they would be thinking, they wont hear my words...only regret. yes i like to be hurt, be hurt by everyone, i set myself up for it and wait for the person to knock me down. i like the feeling of being a slut used by men, i like the raw feeling of depression eating away at my soul..because that is what depression does...it leaks through you. hello....my name is Alma.... 6.11.03 |