| ErAsE mE Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. ..................... WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
| Saturday was my friends Birthday which we spent cooking for her guests that would later o_< never show up. I feel for her...i truely do, she's so blind when it comes to viewing the world,..cant she see that her other friends (perhaps me as well?) dont like her. lets see...how can i describe her..well picture a sweet innocent child...add a dash of pervertedness (thanks to me) then add the sense of humor of >< the korniest comedian -_o then add a good friend that lets everyone step all over her, mix that baby all together and you have Megan. Shes truely one of a kind Y_Y and thats why its so sad to see her suffer the way she does. Two ppl out of 20 that she originally invited to her party actually showed up, to make it worse...i wasnt the happiest person that day. I tried..i really did, i tried putting on that mask that never seems to leave my face...but for some reason..i didnt want it on..>< i didnt want to hide how miserable i was. i struggled to keep from crying..crying for her...crying for me crying for this whole fucking world. i wish i could write to you..write every word that raced through my head..i wish i could tell you how i really felt...how much i suffer at the hands of one stupid person...i want to tell you the story that was left out when explaining my friends bday...but how can i? Sad part is the fact that i cant tell anyone...my sister wont understand, i cant tell my mom for fear of getting in trouble...and i cant tell megan..because i fear she will lose respect for me. -_- i cant tell anyone what i really want to say instead i just...babble to this little box. eh ...until next time. 4.21.03 |
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| I know i havent changed my font color in some time..its like i have gotten used to being the way i am...the way i feel. i'm sorry to everyone that reads this..im sorry i cant just cheer up ..i can almost hear your screams..your words telling me to grow up and get over it. im sorry for crying to you all the time but..your all i have..so here i go again. Last night, after having gotten home from a candle lite party that my friend megan invted me to...i sat at my lonely sewing machine. i couldnt help but feel bad for having abandoned it for so long, i felt guilty for my customers that have done nothing but wait. i told myself i would work over time just to catch up...but then she called. i had been home no longer then 2 hours, i could tell my mom was annoyed but...i couldnt wait to see what megan had in store for me. her voice echoed through the cold phone, her eagerness grew as she spat the words out to me " matt is coming over, alma i dont want to be alone when he gets here..get your ass over her" matt....her old bf, her old flame..her old crush. my eyes traveled over to my moms figure that sat upon her bed, i stood a few feet from her as i struggled to contain my smile. Recently i've been drilled with questions by my mother and sister, i dont know what they think im doing at megans house >_> and im sure i dont want to know. All i wish from them is...their trust, no i wont drink, no i wont do drugs, no i wont do something stupid that i will later regret. the hold they both have on me is so..strong >< i promise myself..my mom..my sister that i wont do the same to them. when sis's bf comes up this summer..if he comes up..i wont be the third wheel..i wont be her protector..because i finally know how it feels to be smothered by everyone. its...time for me to grow up 4.24.03 |
| Is it me or are the posts getting longer o_O? Last night was...ehh...how to explain. Imagin a spoiled brat, throw in o_O a toy she always wanted but parents refuse to buy, mix in the nap she missed, and a mall filled with ppl that soon will have their ears bleeding and um BAM! you have me o_O yesterday. >< yea i know...but this plush im working on is really getting to me. either i despise making plushies and soon plan on quiting or >> this single plush has conspired against me to make my life a living hell...GRRR *ripes off head* um to top it off i think im dying ...hah! i only wish XD no but really >< my stomach hurts like a *censored* Y.Y it gets worse right after i eat, i end up whimpering in pain for a good 5-10 minutes o_O is there a doctor in the house? god this post was corny..must return to re...re..re edit >< 4.26.03 |
| *yawn* i guess my posts are more "entertaining" when im depressed >_> i mean..i was reading over it and i got bored. I'm not too sure what to write today, there were so many things that happened..that i've wronged...that i've ruined ...that i cant decide on what to write about. Remember my friend megan? -_- i guess i made her very angry at me for..trying to get her and her friend back together. i tend..to joke..>_> a little too much o_< yea..she didnt call me for four days..which i normally dont mind since i hate talking on the phone but T_T i feel terrible..my personally just..clashes with everyone. Then there was two days ago when my dad told me some disturbing news "and how did that make you feel alma?" well counselor i felt betrayed, sad and super angry. like always, i blew up in his face >_> and said a few things i ...maybe shouldnt have said. oh bob..i was so ready...so ready to give up my family name, so ready to tell him to get the fuck out of my life..so ready to denounce him as a father. i was so angry at how he made light of my feelings and his stupid excuse "well i was trying for a boy that would carry on the family name" well you idiot.. your stupid family made sure that your goddamn family name would live on forever. your stupid family breeds like rabbits...no..worse ..like fucking roaches. "now alma calm down" you fucking calm down councelor...how do you think i feel when your stupid family askes me why i refuse to marry and have kids? because...you...yes dadi you and your family disgust me! 4.28.03 o_O whaat? now im talking to myself in third person? *eeps and runs off to get help* |