| ErAsE mE Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. ..................... WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
| wow congrates you lived to see page 6 wee um..have a cookie? *hands over a moldy skanky cookie* ^^;; ehehe..enjoy. Lets see..life is going okai i guess...i would ask for more but..eh why bother if nothing good will come of it. My new years resolution?...keep sane and hope that god might forgive me for anything i had done to cause him to hate me....i want security in my life. *shrugs* on a lighter note ^.^;;;;; err..cant think of any right not lol. i had a run in with a preppie yesterday XD it was a good one haha im so proud of myself but then...im begining to worry if i have a split personality...o_O;; >_> i also met this blind man..when he spoke to me in his gentle voice i couldnt help but think he was some sort of angel...it seemed like no one saw him...it reminded me of the third and last sign. "you will see and hear what others cannot." ^^;; yea my bday is a year away lol but still >_>; im getting a bit nervous. 1/11/03 |
| Not much to update on today...life is going okai i guess...i find myself stuck in bed..staring at my glow in the dark star covered ceiling..wondering if life would get better. i struggle to sleep ...even though im dead tired. Falling asleep with the same things running through my head..night after night "will we have enough money for bills?" "is there really a god?" "does he hate me?" " will i ever love again" "is the russian baker under my bed going to kill me tonight?" Y_Y sadly im not being funny... my sleep deprived mind is beginning to play tricks on me..i hear things that i shouldnt, see things that are not there..black out and find myself in a different part of the school..or house. >< i think im going mad and theres nothing i can do about it, to top it off..im having dreams about my ex.. ><!! fuckme! i dont know why!..its not like i think about him before i go to sleep or...during the day >< he comes to me im my dreams over the phone or knocks on my door surpising me with his visit..waking it leaves a bitter taste in my brain..i hate him with all my heart..i managed to get him out of my life and now..hes taking over my dreams.....maybe its the fact that his friend, my "brother" is coming up for the summer...eh i dont know...and not only am i having dreams of my ex..but theres someone invading my dreams...theres a typical way i dream and everything has changed. the man follows me from dream to dream telling me to wake up and when i say " i dont want to, im dreaming"...he tells me not to wake up from this dream..but to wake up from my life. he says if i dont do it soon, he'll be forced to help me..by kiling me "freeing my trapped spirit" i wish i knew what all this meant. now that my dreams have been invaded..theres no where else to run ... it feels like im drowning..and god or whoever...helps me just enough to keep me alive before throwing me back in the water to drown again...>< am i making sense? its like they dangle happyness in my face and when i finally think i have a hold on it..its jerked out of my grasp. 1/17/03 |
| ug..what to write, i;ve been too busy with school recently..but i never seem to be too busy for pain. I'm sorry i neglected you..oh online journal god.,,or whatever. fuck! i feel so lost...i broke up with my new bf ( a few weeks ago)..funny how i collect them like trinkets..only to get tired of them within a few days and toss them aside. no one can fill in the empty gaping whole i have in my chest..where my heart had once thrived. I only truely loved one person..and well we broke it off... i dont regret the day..or the actions that took place later..i only regret not greiving for the relationship when i had the chance..now i have a stinging thorn in my side..his name causing my wound to bleed. i cry for him yet...i love him no longer, i continue to torture myself with the thought of me loving him..then i remeber its an illusion. i...dont think i ever want to be with anyone else... i dont think im able to love or behave like i should. i use men to feel alive for a few days then carelessly discard them to the side. I dont understand whats wrong with me...all the men i loved...dad, stepdad, bf's, male friends, end up disapearing from my life..leaving me to feel empty..so naturally i dont allow myself to get as close to men....>< oh i dont know what im saying anymore 2/06/03 |
| is it me..or has this online journal expressed total depression? i honestly yern to be happy this sufficating depression has a good grasp on m e..im sure it will never let me go. i hate worrying day to day...wondering if we'll have enough money for bills..or rent.. im ready to quit school and go off to work. Theres no reason to get educated if my family is suffering,i thought my life...our lives would get better once we moved into this house but its just been one problem after another. ARG!! i just want to pull my hair out and scream...why?!!?......why.... everyone i talk to is so dead...they're so dead...my dad doesnt care whats going on..all he does is cry about his own problems,,,,dadi...i need you...you...never ask how im doing anymore....you dont even say i love you....you never ask me...if you did..you'd hear me screaming and crying " dadi please help me ..i dont know what to do anymore. my heart is breaking and no one cares. it hurts so much to live...it hurts so much dadi...make the pain stop please...please...PLEASE!!!! oh god why!" ......why? why does it hurt so much...i just want to take a blade to my wrists...make it all go away... 2/08/03 |
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