| Other then coughing out my lungs, theres not much to post today. I was able to see the light of day for the first time in 4 days, yes 4 fucking long days of night after night after night. I was beginning to wonder if daylight ever existed. *****Edited***** *pouts* okai so i had to edit that shit cause....it was obvious who i was writing about...so um....yea. ........................................... ..lets see...my mom fell down today...i feel pretty guilty about that...because if i was helping her im sure..she wouldnt have hurt herself. Funny thing is...a few hours before i kept checking up on her..i had a feeling she would fall down, everytime i heard a thud i would run out and check if she was all right. >< i wonder sometimes if we cause things to happen...i mean like...really think hard about something (always negative..because its easier) and then it happens...of course its always chaotic things...never anything good right?...yea well anyways thats my edited portion 11/27/02 |
| ErAsE mE |
| Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. |
| Sad....i had a chance to be with someone...and yet, it was a chance...that never really..was graspable. I always wanted to be that kind of person..that needed no one, that didn't care if they...had love or someone to love. But sadly im that type that needs reasurance, love and friendship. i depend on others too much...and yet...ppl know very little of me. My feelings are stuck in an endless cycle of a cat and mouse game. I think im cursed when it comes to men, all those who i loved or cared about have "run away" and have never bothered to looked back...they left me with a gapping hole in my heart and it wont heal....it grows worse with each passing winter....i fear that one day...i wont be able to pull myself out of this hellish self pitty i live in. But who knows...maybe one day i will be able to live my life and be "happy" instead of wearing a horrid mask that displays the same boring emotion that chains me to this endless cycle of self demolishment. 11/27/02 |
| Yet another night pleauged with nightmares and sad dreams...there was a time when i couldnt wait to see what my dreams would show me and now i fear falling asleep. And even though my eyes burn from sleep deprivation, i do my best to keep them open. I often find myself laying in bed for hours, daydreaming of the life i really want. But i guess it doesnt matter and you dont care...hmm..damn i love that song...*does a plug in* Dl "it dont matter' by rehab... very nice song and it does a wonderful job describing me. Think of it as Lufa's theme song. I would like to be co-dependant on something other then self pitty yea yea i know..."life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high?" i guess..eh i dont know what i want anymore, disreguard this? pah! add turkey day to my list of Holidays i wish would burn in hell... see ya 11/28/02 |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
| WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
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| Nothing much happened today...then again i just woke up a few hours again...yes to another nightmare. I was calling out to my dad that had abandoned me in my dream...i dont know why it scared me so much, my scream still echoes in my head..it was a cry filled with fear and pain..heart wrenching really. Is that how i truely sound? ........ Icy winds dipping through the trees calling out to me at night...it washes over me like a cold nightmare...it carries a secret that i have long forgotten..that i dont bother remembering. ......... eeeh i hate this house x_x maybe its the fact that we live down the street of the oldest cemetary in the Eugene/Springfield area. But damn it gives me the chills living here...not because of the cemetary (although..if zombies do apear we would be the first to get eaten)...but because of the odd hill behind us x_x and im too lazy or um...i dont know maybe scared to go up there? bah! babbling yet again...hense the color, 11/29/02 |
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