| ErAsE mE Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. ..................... WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
| Hmm...i made it to page 8 wee? >_> since i dont have much time to write in this baby i think i will offically make the writing days monday, wednesday and saturday. Anyways onto other things, i think ...i'm going to forget the idea of having friends, im too self centered to have any. ~_~ eh i try to get too much attention from them and when i dont get enough..well i >_> get bratty soooo ^^;; if your my friend and your reading this..im sorry that im such a bitch to ya. Hope to one day change. Although im glad to say that im starting to change my life...very slowly but eh its happening. My friend Nick, from San Antonio is not coming up for the summer. o_< i feel pretty bummed out about that, it made me throw another pouting tantrum >_> but i let it out while having a nice hot bath. X_x eh why wasnt i born a man? woman..analys waaay too much. anyways thats that. 4/2/03 |
| Arg here i go again, i've struggled to finish two other posts and neither worked. Look im sorry that i always bitch and that im always depressed...then again if it bothers you all you have to do is click off this right? I feel like i can talk about anything here without worrying what any of you have to say..or how you'll think about me. The fact that i cant see your faces or know how many of you read my journal entries helps. ...so here i go with my post. For the past week my mother has been in the phyciatric hospital...of course its because of the fact that Easter is so close. Before you ask, yes easter is another holiday i cant stand...and yes its because of my no good drunk of a father. the sadest part about it is the fact that ..he'll never admit he did anything wrong, he thinks just because he found religion he's saved for his past sins "forgive and forget" but how can you forget when your body is always there to remind you of the past. His actions left our bodies rittled with unseen scars....that night...that night..i'll never forget it. He says my mom makes things up to make him look like a bad father..but i know what i saw, i know i didnt...couldnt imagin that night when he nearly killed her. i can still smell the alcohol in the air, the screaming and gasps of my mother, the hot tears flooding my cheeks ..the cold empy fear washing through me as i begged him to stop...stop in the name of god... No dadi..no matter how hard you try convincing me i can never believe that god forgave you for that night..that cold fucking night..when i cannot find the sympathy, the stength to even forgive you myself. How dare you say she made it up...made up that cold night....that fucking night... I would much rather die then forgive you for anything you did, you tortured us like no other and still ...still your words are more horrible then beatings ....how can you...how dare you say we make this up... maybe its you that makes me hate god..the idea of him forgiving you. For you..just because of you i will never have children, never marry, never amount to anything for fear of being with another you. a little note to you dear dadi..." no matter how much you try you'll always be a dead beat father, horrible husband and a no good human...waste of fucking space" yep can you feel the love in the air? Too bad i'll never have the guts or strength to tell this to your fucking face, yea dear dadi..i carve at my skin because i look just like you, i fucking pitty all that have to look at my ugly stupid face..because ...they'll just see you, im your creation...im your fucking creation. i hate the fact that im any part of you, your stupid last name, your fucking eyes, lips and nose. i would gladly take a knife to my skin just to not see you everytime i look into the mirror. Bah but then here i go again pointing fingers instead of taking responsibility for my actions. 4/9/03 |
| I'm ready to give up...or maybe i already have and just dont know it yet. Everythings going from bad to worse to shit out of luck. what are you supposed to do when...you cant do anything right? how do expect a person to live if they have to watch their every action? i know im a bad person.. i wont pretend or lie that im perfect...but why isnt anyone torilable to it like i am to everyone else faults? i hate being screamed at like im a child or always putting up with Her anger. I always have to wear this stupid smile or laugh when deep inside it hurts to even breath. I hate being the eldest and worrying about bills, the house, being fucking poor because my moms away sick....i would sell my fucking soul...sell my fucking life to anyone that would take these problems away...to give me money to pay bills so that i dont have to worry anymore. every dash of hope i had was killed by a phone call.... but then..thats life. 4.12.03 |
| o_< sometimes im ashamed of what i write...and sometimes i dont know what i've written till i read it later. I'm sorry, i dont mean to always be sad or always seem like im crying..because i dont. This ..here..now is the only time i get to express how i really feel, express the pain and sadness. Sadly i've chosen a cold machine to share my deepest thoughts and fears rather then a human oh well on to other things momi came back from the hospital yesterday, everything seems to be getting better for her which makes me happy. Her friends came over yesterday and some are here right now...im glad they did. Its real strange though, her friends are strangers to me yet they smile and accept me...they bring food over so that we dont have to cook ((@_@ good thing too..i suck at cooking "Alma how can you burn cereal?" o_O;; what?! it happens!)) >_> and yet my family doesnt really give a damn. lol my mom's friend works with my uncle and she ended up bitching him out..calling him a good for nothing because of the fact that he knew where my mom was and didnt call and ask if we needed anything. o_O i dont know about the american culture (although i was born here 9_9 ...on another note.i've never had meatloaf either...er) but in mexico...if a family member is in trouble or sick, everyone pitches in to help >_> even neighbors..some clean others cook others take care of kids ^^;; not doing it ...or helping makes you a horrible person lol or a 'good for nothing" as my mom's friend put it anyways thats that. 4.15.03 |