| ErAsE mE Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. ..................... WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
I guess the last post was a little much, im not too much in the mood to write so here is an entry from my physical journal...er enjoy? I know not how to react or please when insults are thrown my way. my deepest desire is to carve a smile, forever encast an expression on a persons face. i know it is not real and yet it is there. i know i had the power to forever choose how they will "feel". I wish to place the same curse on them that has befallen me. to wear an expression that is so painfully fake. they will forever have a smile, a frown, a glare or even a pout. Me?, I have been carved and shaped into the villan. Eyebrows arched, smile crooked, features dull and plain, a figure that men and women alike reject as unattractive. I, Me, will play the part of a stuborn, foolish, loveless woman. Me, no, I will not be allowed to fight when insults are thrusted at me, I will however take the blame and have to crawl back begging for forgiveness. No, not exageration, nor self pitty, but yes, plain truth seen through unclouded eyes.. All have lost respect towards me, I , me..I will not be taken seriously when the word "relationship" is brought up. All will be allowed to bring up how me, I cannot choose good men, how it is mine, I's fault that they leave without a word. All will mock me, I for loosing hope, labled desperate and childish for wanting but one love. But me, no, I will not mention the simple promise that me has made to god and all who listened to my wish. So when they leave and "she" is still here, happy and with love, I will know with sadness dripping from my flesh, that the promise and "her"/"she" are still one and the same. And why not promise such a thing? Me, no, I cannot be intrusted with "Love", I, me cannot comprehend such a feeling, body: mine does react to it like an allergy. I, Me, shuts down, burning and pain it brings. I, me am to be alone for always and i take it with both hope and sadness. there is no prince to save this little frog. 11.21.04 |
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| Leave your mark and be gifted with the power of um...lirvana o_O its like nirvana x_X just sign it you sip! |
| So here i am again, confused but far from being alone. there are some things inside me that are struggling to be set free but for once...i dont really care to rant or rave. Jim (keeras bf) came to visit for a time which gave me the opporunity to breath a bit, though now that hes gone i feel the stiffling grip slowly growing tighter. Its a bit funny how everyone seemed to give me the same lecture, always telling me to either take care of addie or to make sure to give her attention. This makes me both angry and hurt, its as if i can never live down the part of being evil while my dear sister gets to play the part of the neglected princess. Its not that i hate her, far from it...its just that, why does she have all the right to be human..laughing, growing angry, screaming, teasing, calling mean names...when i cant even pull my mask off long enough to show that im angry. The only acceptable emotion is that of being sad but not depressed. i hate so bad that i have to care for her..yes "have to" i hate when people ask me to do what i have done all my life. ive sacrificed love, emotions and chance of truely being happy, all because she hated or was jealous of any bf i have ever come to love. I hate her as much as i love her, its both a curse and a blessing to have her around me. Without her i am free but have no control, with her i am controled but have no freedom. Lately i have been busy with one person that seems to drain all the negative energy from me. i feel both gratful and saddened that i have intrusted this onto him.. we speak and laugh, question and describe, he leaves me feeling completely...i want to say empty but mean more....drained. at night i dont sit up thinking, dont have enough time to ponder cutting myself, i dont worry about bills all night before falling asleep in despair...i just close my eyes and "die" night after night. its the most...delicious sleep ive had in so very long. I want to thank him but the words "thank you" cannot compare to the gratitude i feel towards him. So Zaku, if you are reading thing, thanx a fucking bunch ^_^ 1.9.05 |