| ErAsE mE Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. ..................... WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
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| And again...what to say? I have very little to tell you now adays...and somedays i feel im only wasting my time posting. why would any one be interested in reading another persons miserys? sometimes...i think im only talking to a brick wall..its so cold...so cold. my heart...my heart is about to break, i have no one, i cant have anyone...i live and create my own hell. IS ANYONE OUT THERE?!!!!....no...everyones dead... oh god it hurts! For some reason my ex pleagus my dreams, he haunts my thoughts daily. i'll be honest with myself for a change..i do miss him. YEA I SAID IT I SAID IT!! -_o what else can i say? its true i do miss him with all my heart. he was the only one i felt anything for..every other relationship was so cold..a cold substitute for him. today i almost called him..called him to ask him why ...why he got over me so easily when i suffer for him to this day. its been nearly 2 years...and i still think of him. -_- oh god..make this pain go away...i suffer alone in my own self pitty, recounting the days i spent with him, i go over every event that went wrong and wish i did it different. he...is my only regret...i honestly would change everyting if i had another chance...either to never meet him or..make him happy instead of making him suffer like i did. its no wonder he's forgotten about me i gave him no reason to continue to love me...can anyone tell me why i still cry for him? my tears...they're so hot...they're filled wth every ounce of my pain why doesnt he see that? why cant i tell him? honestly...what do i have to lose by calling him?....pride? dignity?-_- i just dont know...should i call him? or let sleeping dogs lie? i ..dont want to make another mistake...if there is anyone out there...will you help me? 6.14.03 |
| Leave your mark and be gifted with the power of um...lirvana o_O its like nirvana x_X just sign it you sip! |
| as always i regret what i say, my friend..my last friend emailed me helping me through this like so many other times. without here i think i would be stuck in the quicksand of life. i know now that there isnt anyone out there just an empty black void..i keep trying to fill it with something but it never fits. i think its time for me to grow up...that or disapear...i dontknow if this will be my last post but..if i never return i guess i either died or..just gave up. i cant seem to do anything right so i'll probably end up crawling back to you like a dog...yea..a dog...which is what i am..nothing more then dirt. 6.20.03 |
| i feel strangly...happy today. let me recape (and yes i know its not a posting day =P) yesterday i said good-bye to someone that...hurt me a lot, lol i know what you're thinking "another one?!" yea well....o_O bite me! well i woke up pretty sad today, didnt talk much, didnt eat, just sat in my room moping around, it was weird...i havent done that in a long time. i thought.."yea alma...you hit rock bottom" i had written in my journal whimpering that i would die alone..becuase i fear not being loved...i know you all think im some sort of slut, changing crushes almost as much as i change my underwear but...i felt i had to do that just to keep happy...to keep hope...to stay alive i know it wasnt love..trust me i remember the cold empy feeling it left in my heart. But today..seemed different, i was able to talk to a friend of mine on the phone and it really helped me cheer up. i felt wanted, felt ^^ happy im..not going to jinx anything, im just going to take it one day at a time. i know..its just friendship..and i dont want to taint it with anything...i wont...take it that extra step unless hes whiling to. i wont..beg for love but if he ends up breaking my heart like everyone else...then yea...yea i will let you all flood my inbox with emails telling me "i told you so" i know...you all think im stupid and that i get with anyone just so that i wont be alone...but your wrong..i dont..i dont get with just anyone, i know the difference between being with someone just because..and being with someone because i like him...im sorry for trying over and over again but....but i dont want to just give up and be sad for the rest of my life. i want to keep trying even...even if i dont find mr "right" i will keep those memories to myself..the good ones. i wont...let my depression get me down as much as i always had...i live...i breath...im me and ..i want to happy! 6.22.03 |
| wee here we go again. why is it that when you finally achieve happyness something truely sickening happenes? im struggling to keep my head above water but...all this paddling is making me feel ill. i jst want to stop and sink to the bottm where no one wil findme. my mom was right, as soon as you have someone everyone wants to either pull your happyness away or...replace the one you have with themselves, this time...i wont give in..because i love the one..that i love. he will be my only one..no temptation...no cheating..no mistakes on my part. im supposed to be happy...so thenwhy am i crying? no one loves me until im taken....now...now everyones blaming me for loving this guy...instead of them. why wont they just leave me alone ..alone with my happyness...alone with my guy? i feel so sick..so very sick..wont somene save me?please....please..........save me 6.26.03 |