Great spirit - Mother Goddess
let’s not forget
let’s realize what we are
we must be ready for the coming change
return to the old ways of Earth medecine
return to the old ways of barter and trade
return to the old ways of healing herbs

dreams of the old ones
are playing in our mind
the mind of the Earth
is in our dreams.

After skinning, wash it with shampoo and string it up on a frame. Cover the wet surface with salt and let dry in a warm and dry area. Once it’s dry and you’re ready to process it, soak it several times. When it’s soft enough, scrape it to break up tissue and fat. Mix borax or washing soda with warm water, add a bit of soap if ya want. Mix the skin around. Scrape off more stuff then rinse with warm water.
If you are preparing a hairless skin to make leather, soak in a mix of 1lb of alum, 8oz salt and 4oz washing soda in one and a half gallon of water.
If you are saving the fur, make a paste with alum and spread it on the skin and leave overnight. Next day, scrape stuff off and put more paste. Leave for another day and scrape off stuff and put more paste and this time leave on for four days. Scrape, wash and rinse. Let dry then put sulphated neat’s foot oil. Wait 30 minutes, then put more oil. Cover with a plastic sheet overnight. Next morning hang it then later work it to make it soft.

Charcoal and sage powder.
or
Baking soda and salt.
Mix 4 oz of powder with 3 tsp of glycerin and flavoring (cinnamon or mint oil)
Add enough water to form a paste.

Bubblebath

4 tbs. cornstarch
15 tbs. cream of tartar
18 tbs. bicarbonate soda.

Soap

(Run water through ashes to make lye.)
6 lbs. of grease
13 oz of lye
5 cups of cold water.
Pour into molds.

• a white horse with a cut off hind leg. People were trying to get it on a ramp into a box car of a boat or train.
• my son goes into a shack while we were walking along a beach. The Leo comes out of the shack with tears in his eyes and gives me a hug.
• I was walking around the Commercial Drive area when I hear a chirp coming from a bush. I look and it’s a white bird laying (or lounging) on it’s back on top of a bush. Its feet were yellow and its beak was blue, its wings were little, like penguins.
• an art gallery opening and Leo was there without talking to me.

I’m so tired of being alone. I want to learn with someone else. What the hell am I? I have no roots, no elders, no tradition, no guidance, no trust.
I have no known native blood so that’s why he didn’t bother slowing down for me. I didn’t look like I was worth it. Oh, and I’m married, another reason to not bother with me.

Ok, so now what? I’ve cut my hair off, bleached the crap out of it and dyed it green. It was supposed to be turquoise but the yellow left in my hair changed that. Green’s ok but it could be darker though, like the shadowed pines upon the mountainside.
Why did I depend on the Leo’s friendship so much? Was it because he knows how to organize festivals? How to get a group of people to work to a common goal, and he knows the people to do it?
It would take too much for me to unlearn my shyness and learn how to talk to folks without sounding desperate or goofy.
I want a collective art studio and roommates that are part of that trip. The Leo is an integral part of the forming of such ventures. He’s a craft fair organizer and I don’t want to miss out on the future magikal events he’ll help start with other folks.
With other folks. Am I one of those other folks?
I want to make a fashion show with all the local designers.
The art space was something I could finally be proud of. I was finally doing something. I want to do it again but I don’t want to be alone. It’s like I want someone to take me by the hand. I guess I shouldn’t be such a baby. I shouldn’t be so scared to say what’s on my mind. But these sex feelings got me chocked up and I’m afraid of being out of line.
I figured fantasizing in silence would have sufficed, I’d like to know if my actions were affected.
The Leo probably thought I was being clingy. I just wanted quiet moments with him but I never worked up the nerve to tell him how I really felt because I was afraid that once I’d start describing, I would start something into motion that I didn’t think I was ready for. I kept delaying the ‘revelation’ until after christmas. Now it's too late and I’m afraid that he thinks I’m a flacky freak. I feel like I failed.
I’m looking at the half empty side of life; it should be half full.
Maybe the whole reason was to get my nymphic focus off of him. I was fixating him without fully realizing the severity of what I was doing.
But is he so weak that he can’t handle being in the light of someone’s fantasy? Maybe it was the proximity of it all.
Well, anyway, I don’t quite feel that much of the hots for him anymore.
I still want to team with him for arts projects. That’s the primary reason why we met and why I like him. I just got to keep the fantasizing to a low flame.
What’s stupid is that it’s totally open with me and my husband.
We’re on the same team, it’s in the spiral.

What am I, though?

I had to walk in the rain at night because he wanted some quiet time after the store closed. I’d sit there with him for a few hours before setting off to my friend’s house to crash because he wanted to crash in the back of the store. Did I waste each of those wordless segments by not saying anything or was it better to simply feel and absorb? Too yin maybe.
He kept saying that we should alternate, but we were the only ones who could work the store on weekends. Should I have just let him go alone so he couldn’t get any of his ‘organizing’ done? Because he ran around doing his festival work while I worked the store. I didn’t really care until someone mentioned it then my inner voice said, “hey, that’s right, you’re letting someone walk all over you.” Same thing with the walk in the rainy night times. “He shouldn’t make you go walk in the rain at night to go sleep.”
“He hasn’t paid his share of the rent in two months”
the rationalizations piled up.
“Hey I’m being walked on once again.”
Why did I want to let the Leo get away with that much respect? If he didn’t respect me, why did I have the hots for him? Why should I desire someone who apparently doesn’t respect his friends’ feelings?
I thought he’d be worth showing. He has the capacity to learn and once he learns respect for other people’s reality, he’ll help get the Dream in motion.
It’s the Dream.
That’s why I care about his friendship. There’s not that many people I’ve met that have that Dream in such focus. He has what it takes to make the Dream alive.
What’s the Dream? It is the re-creation of a vibrant culture within our ‘dispossessed’ society’. That is anthropologically referred to as a ‘revitalization movement’. It happens periodically throughout human history.
This Dream involves Native teachings. Earth teachings.
This Dream is to remind folks of the healing medecine.
I was also afraid to show the Leo my Dream writings. Why? Because I was afraid he might laugh. That he might belittle my faith.
It’s almost as if the fate of the Dream lies in his learning how to respect. It is for the Dream’s advantage that we reconciliate. The Leo has to come speak with me. The fate of the Dream lies there. If he doesn’t initiate anything, then all is lost.

Who am I? A stranger on a bus said my name should have to do with dawn or sunrise. Birds, east, beginnings. White hawk?
I need a medecine name. I haven’t found one that fits in every way. It has to do with birds and it has to expound upon a good quality, like creating. Bird-that-creates, creation-bird. He’s worth teaching, but he would laugh at me if I told him that. This is so hard.

Fractals again, every Dream has another Dream to grow from it.

What do I want? I want a decent place to live. What else do I want? I want a studio workshop to share. What else? Friends that stick together. What? A way to make money with the talent I was born with.

“Can we talk?”
“No. Get away from me” he replied in a reproachful tone.
Asshole. You fckn’ little prick arrogant jerk.

I want to write about good things. I just feel so alone. My partner says it’s not worth it to keep longing for the Leo. Actually, I’m more upset that I might have been fooled into thinking that he was my friend in the first place. I really thought he was a good friend. I even classified him as part of my family. Now I feel like I’m deluded. I still cry. It’s been a month. I’ve got so many thoughts I couldn’t possibly write them all down. At least Isis will always be our friend. She feels like my sister if I had one. But I don’t know what it feels like to have a sister. My older brother was always an enemy.

The number 10 has been prominent lately. My bank account number adds up to 10, my last art studio number was 46 (4+6=10), my ‘recovery stall’ when I got my tubes tied was number 10.

What would it be like if I had told the Leo how I felt about him way back in September? He probably would have hated me anyway, no matter what. He’s such a goof. It’s not my fault he’s the way he is.
People suck.

I want to write a story about people not speaking their minds and getting in trouble for it somehow, through no fault of their own.
Was the Leo afraid of being nice to me? I was afraid to tell him I really liked him. I figured he knew anyway because he’s seen a drawing I did of him and he seemed to enjoy it. I think I’ve liked him since his roommate introduced me to him. . . we sat at the kitchen table that day, the three of us, and the conversation shifted to drugs and in particular MDA and exstasy and how sensual they made one feel when under the influence. We sat there ingesting that verbal tidbit and the wave of sensuality was palpable. A millisecond of eye contact with the Leo was all I needed to know about the source of the euphoric sensation. I could be open with the other guy there from the start about feelings like that. I admitted to him once that I’d totally jump him if I wasn’t married. It was easy to tell him that and all sorts of other stuff. The Leo, however, is unapproachable. I’m scared of him because I think he’d just laugh at me, call it silly.
Those two were roommates when we met and they’re the only guys I’ve had any interest in a physical way.
I think I’m bored. My partner’s great but he might be kind of bored too. I want lesbian sex too. So does a friend who also knows someone that mentioned wanting to experiment. . . my mate would like to sample too. If we’re all in agreement then there shouldn’t be any problem. We would only be satisfied. It would probably make me and my partner even hornier for each other.

the desire was overwhelming and I couldn’t say a word about it because I was afraid of reprisals. I love the guy, but we couldn’t handle a heavy relationship. I think we’d drive each other nuts. Do I have that much love in my heart? How can I love more than my mate? I love another too, so that makes two extra loves after my primary alpha mate, who loves our girlfriend; I love her too. I love a lot but can’t follow through because I’m afraid of seeming a freak.

I can’t write about why the Leo now hates me because he won’t talk to me so I don’t know his exact reasons and I don’t want to write my own paranoias. Maybe he doesn’t hate me but his silence really hurts. I miss his being. He has the capacity to learn to listen. I know he does. I need the courage to confront him. I don’t want to piss him off. . . . the skunk that kept wandering into his cabin, that spirit message hit it right on the button.

East - Squirrel: my spiritual ability has to do with the gathering necessary “stuff” (energy?) For future use.

South - Frog ‘upside-down’: I need to cleanse so I can keep growing but something keeps me from that. My beginnings have to have a ‘cleaning’ involved.

West - hummingbird ‘upside-down’: my Purpose, or Dream, is to bring beauty (art) to people around me. I do like beautiful things much more than grungy things. But I’m not doing or making anything because it’s too cold in this “cabin” we rented for the winter, the “tv room” within the landowner’s house is claustrophobic and there’s no friendliness here anymore.
I can’t get to my Dream until my heart chakra is fixed.

North - Badger ‘upside-down’: I’m supposed to be more aggressive about what I want. Quit being angry because of my lack of drive.

Centre - Rabbit: quit perpetuating what I fear or hate the most (being angry all the time) it’s time to break the paralysis and do something.

I want to scream at you. I want to wrap my fingers around your scrawny neck and squeeze real hard. I want to punch your lights out. I want to break your nose with a swift punch.
You piss me off.
You and your stupid ego trip. You think you’re so goddam important. You think you’re so much better than others but you know you’re not so you hate them instead.
You’re just like all those arrogant sexists you denounce so much. You are worst, because you lie and deceive your friends about what you’re about.
Healing involves listening to people and events around you.
Not only did you not listen, but you lashed out at who was trying to make you listen.
Your big-ass overinflated ego.
To think that I loved you.
What’s love worth if it isn’t friendship?
You’re such a stupid typical man. . . . too bad egoism and arrogance are ‘typical man’ traits.
You won’t talk to me. Are you afraid of me? What are you afraid of?
You’re making me pay for something I did not ask for. That’s a form of stealing.
And it’s unfair.

Welcome to the real world, where people are afraid to speak their truth, no matter how outspoken they are, they are always hiding something.
You’ve said that you trust too much. That’s a lie.
I hate you now and it’s all your doing.
My only crime was being afraid to tell you what I felt at the time.
I was afraid to tell you I love you.
Now I want to tell you I hate you.

If silence is all there is between us, then I wish I never met you. I thought you had integrity.
I thought you were one of those people who walked their talk.
It must be hard to play the role of Heyoka and having to fool people about yourself.

You even fool yourself.
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