Why do I not find a consistent teacher? Aren�t seekers supposed to find their teachers? I only think that because the books I�ve read about metaphysics mention the author finding one teacher that made a major difference. Elijah did make a difference, I would have felt truly alone if it weren�t for his neighborhood visits before he moved far away.
I don�t know why I have to write all the time and it�s usually the same crap, probably because I don�t want to bother anyone with this because they have their own trip to worry about; but what if they think about the same stuff and they feel alone and they�d be thrilled to hear that they�re not alone in their cultural angst.
But maybe I�m just fantasizing.
Isn�t it great how I talk myself down? I don�t need enemies, I do it for them but I don�t want to.
I do want to share my ideas.

What am I? What is my name? I feel that my spirit name can�t come from me; I feel that someone has to find a right name for me. I don�t want an english word to describe me because that language is cursed. I want to know several native words for bird. Or bird spirit. Maybe I don�t want to talk about this to anyone because I�m afraid of being cheesy. I still think I�ll be laughed at. It�s like I�m writing all these books so people will finally know what I�m about. Probably after I�m dead. A lot of good that does me now.

Who am I? What am I?

I feel so wishy-washy.
People want to hear from someone who�s with it and not lamentable.
I don�t feel up to par.
There I go, talking myself down again . . . �they� trained me well didn�t �they�? (the perpetrators of my youth).

Watching the world while it ignores me is fun.
Is it?
Bla bla bla bla bla
I�m doing laundry, that�s why I�m writing so much drivel.

The lines of communication consist of words. Words describe versions of reality. Every human and animal has their own version of reality. Most groups of humans have a collective version of reality. A word to describe that is a common bond. There are many words to choose from. There�s always one or two people within a particular group that starts a notion in the form of words. The rest of the group accepts the new word-description and the concept is reinforced.

Idea - word - understanding - more ideas - more words.

The idea here is truth. Truth is communication. Truths are words that are understood by all.
�The truth hurts�, it only hurts if you deny it.
The truth is, the arts collective did not know what business is really about, we had to play everything by ear because none of us were �trained� in the world of business. We accepted a rent deal with trust that we would not get ripped off. We did not research the neighboring businesses to compare rents and �taxes�; we did not write the deal down on paper, we did not make the leaser sign a promissory note to install a furnace.
We made a verbal rental agreement with whom we thought was part of our world. A verbal agreement is based on trust and puts the renter at a disadvantage. In the world of business, the land owner is entitled to make a few bucks in the deal. In the world of business, money is in the forefront.
In the world of business, one does not care how the payee feels.
In the world of business, love is not important.

We want to change this world of business to a world of understanding. Once you understand something, you start to love it. Understand the word love; it is not just for material things, it is respect and encouraging something to grow.
A world of understanding involves selflessness. Not costing others around you. If another suffers as a consequence of one�s gain, then that is the world of business.
What is the world of understanding? Is that when one has enough to live on, one shares with others who had not the same fortune?
What if a land owner decided to share his properties?
What if it became the thing to do for corporate companies to donate land and/or house and/or store spaces so the �lower class� can live more fully?
Wouldn�t the world be a better place if humans could only share?
The world of business (square) would become the world of understanding (circle).

The circle will swallow the square.

Understanding involves communication; that�s why humans invented communication tools like paper, pens, phones and computers. We have to be clear about our intent in order to express our idea. No "beating around the bush". That�s too distracting. Get to the point, keep to the point. Don�t stray to so-called related issues; get to understand the underlying cause of the conflict. Everyone must be truthful about their internal feelings. Find the words, because for everything you feel there is a word out there (in here) to describe it.
You can do it! Find the right word. It�s like finding the right lock combination. To be truthful about one�s feelings one needs to not deny the feeling exists. One cannot eradicate anything, things only change, they never go away. If one thinks a so-called �negative� feeling has completely gone away, they should expect it to resurface later, probably an inappropriate time.

Truthfulness about one�s feelings involves not being afraid to find the right words so as not to offend the source of the feeling. That is to say that one must choose one�s words carefully to describe one�s conflict about another. Getting personal and insulting an opposing party is not conducing to constructive ends.
On the other hand, one must be truthful in order to accept something said and not take a criticism personally. One must be able to help guide a conflict between oneself and another. To be truthful when accepting a criticism and having the self esteem to speak and correct another when the criticism might be too strong.
It�s all about honesty.

It�s funny how I write about having the strength to speak the truth and I�m just about ready to explode with what I want to say because I�m afraid to say what I want to say to who I want to say it to. I want to talk about the sexual fling that could happen if we let it or if we want it but I�m afraid of being alone in my thoughts.
I told an old friend of his that I felt really close to him but feel very alone with what I feel to be true. She replied that she also had a hard time getting close to him.
I�d sure like to get reassurance.
My feeling of being alone in my truth is what makes me want to cry. I feel sad when I sit next to the one I know to be knowledgeable but there�s hardly any verbal communication. What is it that I want to talk about? Why is it so important? I want to talk about my truth without being debunked. That�s probably why I can�t talk about it.
Somehow I feel that when people actually respect my words, then others like me, the downtrodden and oppressed, would be listened to with respect also.
Am I waiting for the right time or am I just scared?
Am I just scared so the right time will come when I�m not scared anymore?
Who am I? What am I?

This is my feeling:
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
X: Am I really the Great Unknown? Nobody seems to really know what my perspective is.

I�ve been keeping my thoughts inside too much. This is what I want to talk about: numerology and how the number nine recurs again and again.
My first name has nine letters. My birthday is 27th (2+7=9). My social insurance numbers add up to 36, which is the sum of 4 times 9. At the age of 12 I lived at 999 Baker St. in 1979.

Then there�s the signs, like yesterday I was on a skytrain thinking of my little lion and mouse story and I look down at the door and someone had scratched a graffiti in the paint: LION.
Another time I tried to focus the video camera on our friends that were sitting in the crowd at a music festival but I couldn�t see anything at all in the view finder. At home we watched the tape and when we got to the part when I was trying to focus on our friends, who was in the middle of the screen was the Leo. I always bumped into him on side streets and alleys when we had to speak to him.
�I want to know and I want to hear if you�ve noticed the intense similarities. I want to talk about those. I don�t want to talk to my partner about my obsession because I don�t want him to think that I don�t love him because I do. I�m writing this because I can�t verbalize properly without starting to cry. Or getting angry at myself. See? I just think about all the times when we�re alone and I can�t bring myself to �tell my truth� and I feel tears welling up.�
Why have I always been weepy?
This is so hard for me to talk about but only with the Leo; I can talk about sex stuff with most of my friends. I want to tell him that we�re open to stuff like that.
�I feel like you�re scared of me. Like you think my partner would beat you up. He wouldn�t.�
There�s something blocking, it�s probably me because I�m scared. I�d be scared even if I were single.
There�s something really intense.
�Another reason why I can�t talk to you about this is there�s always other things going on; setting up the art gallery then your move then you had christmas deadlines then the water heater fiasco at the gallery. It never seems to end. What I want to say is really heavy, I want to have your full attention for it.
I�m starting to really believe that we�ve known each other before. That we�re a �cultural team�. It�s that �cosmic� thang.
That�s why I trip out on stuff that is �supposed� to be the way they are. �Is it supposed to be this way?�
I used to listen and feel �moved� by Falla�s �El Amor Brujo� when I was a kid. The music reminded me of gypsies and I�d pretend to be a dancing witch. I was 7 or 8.
I�m afraid to speak for fear of scaring you away. I don�t want to freak you out and I don�t want to start something which the right time has not come yet. When is the right time? Will there ever be a �right� time?
I feel like we�ve been communicating through our �higher� minds. Telepathy?�

I�ve got so much self-doubt that I question what I know. I need reassurance that what I think is true. I�m tired of feeling like I�m obsessed. I�d like to direct this thought form toward art so as to remain inspired; it�s safer that way.

What is bugging you?

• I feel alone because I can�t talk; is my throat chakra closed or something? And my belly chakra, where power is supposed to come from, is it clogged too?
• how do I speak my truth without scaring my friend away?
• I feel like I was born too late and that I�m tied down. My artist friends talk about going to far away places like Germany, Mexico, Jamaica and pow-wows; I don�t have the opportunity to do that, I can�t afford to move my small family with me.

• my art is not selling.
• I feel like I�ve got to think for my small family.
  
• I have a need to talk to someone who makes it hard to approach him.

Holy poo. There�s so much to say. There�s so much that I want to say, but never feel like it�s the right time when I�m confronted with the person. It�s funny, when I�m alone, I have all these words to describe what I�m feeling but when the time comes to actually say it, I lose gumption and I end up not saying anything. Even when an opportunity presents itself like, �what�s wrong?�
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