the dragon flies and breathes fire.
The dragon inspires and raises internal flames.

Swift gazes
soft glances
wishes . . .
Of hand sliding across shoulder
touching
fingertips connect
mirror image twins dancing together
connecting
letting go
reuniting
remembering a long ago dream
there is a giving in to the temptation
there is no stopping the progression
the enfolding
deep embrace
gratifying
satisfying the seemingly unquenchable thirst of desire.

Oooo - Wah - Tah - Foo - Lyam

There�s this girl, see, and she was always a little �weird�, I mean, she played with dead birds that she found in the yard. She always pretended to be a bird or some kind of animal. Her brother used to piss her off for kicks, I guess he thought it was funny. Her first year of school the kids picked on her so bad she had to hold the lunch lady�s hand. Her second year she went to the same school as her brother and the kids there called her Liverhead because they couldn�t pronounce her last name. It never occurred to her why no one ever called her brother that. Liver Head. The name wasn�t so bad compared to the previous school, so the following year she got �LIVERHEAD� ironed onto a green T-shirt. She knew the kids there didn�t mean any harm. There was no hate when they called her �Liver�, or �Liv� for short.

She was neurotic though, you know? She pissed her bed until her parents sent her to a boarding school for grade 6 when they divorced. The first night there cured her nightly problem. When she should have been one of the �veterans� of the school yard, she was in the position of the newcomer (again) and kids always pick on newcomers.
She was still kind of neurotic but she liked to study nature and science and do art in her room. At that time, 1979, she and her mom lived at a townhouse address of 999. She was doing ok there. Then her mom went and fell in love with some guy that lived in Boston. So she was forced to say bye to her elderly gerbil and her cat and most of her childhood things to move to California to live with him. The kids at the expensive private school her mom insisted she go to were mean. And her mom�s new husband? He�d give her shoulder massages, then, over a couple of months he�d got her to let him massage her butt and inside the thighs. She didn�t move. She didn�t want to try anything because she didn�t know what to do. And you know what? He even pulled out his little dong and asked if she would like to touch it. You know what she did? She took a quick look because human are, by nature, morbidly curious, then she said no. She actually had the gumption to refuse the last act of indecency. Good for her.
Her mom never talked about anything but announced about a month later that they were getting divorced and they were moving back to Montreal.
She was kind of fckd up by then. She didn�t hang out with anybody. She didn�t fit in anywhere. She started wearing a headband which was just a piece of curtain string. She became withdrawn.
That was grade eight.
Soon after that her father�s wife had died of a drug overdose so her and her mom moved to Vancouver to be back with her dad. Her brother�s daily mental abuse started again only with the awful twist of sexual force.
That�s how she lost her virginity.
She didn�t care because by that time she didn�t feel like she mattered, so at 14 she let a friend�s uncle fck her. It just didn�t matter, because there was nothing to save. Her high school years were wasted on boyfriend after boyfriend.

She had some times to herself when she peacefully did artwork in her room. When high school was over, she was told to pack up so she moved in with her boyfriend. She broke away from him eventually and joined some friends who were going to Mexico, only to get as far as Seattle. No shit. She met a guy there who had that friendly familiar feel about him. He liked her little pet rat she kept in her pocket so he bought one of his own. She hung out with him and five months later got pregnant and there they are, five years later, still in love.
Unlike her parents, she knows what love really is. It involves trust and openness. They discuss threesomes together and who the other likes with no fear.

My friend. A deep connection and it hurts a lot to feel like this. This feeling of . . . rejection? . . .
I feel responsible for this ostracization because I haven�t been able to voice my feelings about my friend. Such a good friend, it�s more than losing something material. Material possessions don�t matter as much as friendship, which is intangible. You can�t see it or hold it in your hands but it is felt on all levels, from the purple to the red. I want to send healing to my friend. I wanted to say so much but was afraid . . . how could I have been afraid of what my friend would say? Is it because of my hang up about sexual feelings? Is it that my friend feels the same insecurity? I felt that he would have voiced his feelings to me because he�s a verbal guy. He�s scared. I�m scared. I�m really scared of losing a friendship that I care so much about. Maybe that�s why I�ve been afraid to speak my total feeling. I�ve taken care to go slowly, to be patient and not jump at the first chance. I guess I thought I had all the time in the world to �tell my truth�. Now, I�m afraid that time is up and there�d be nothing I could say to restore the friendship. I want to help heal this gaping wound of the spirit. I hope my friend is willing to share this healing because I love my friend a lot and I think it�s up to him to trust and allow a bit of healing to enter.

I have so much respect for my friend that I�m afraid to touch him but I wanted to massage his sore hand and soothe his aching shoulders because his carries so much when he doesn�t have to. I�m sorry, so sorry that my inability to speak in the moment caused him this grief. I was supposed to be stronger. I should have been able to voice the feelings that others felt also but my inner conditioning kept telling me it wasn�t my place. I expected my friend to know everything because he�s not afraid to speak his mind. All I can do right now is send waves of healing energy. I didn�t want to hurt my friend, that�s why I couldn�t speak before about what pissed me off. . . .
I didn�t want to scare you away with my affection for you. . .
My friend, I share my cup with you, will you share with me?
I love my friend like plants love to grow. Because growth is love. I did not mean for my silence to hurt.

Isn�t it weird
that simple talk
can be feared?

He thinks we conspired. I feel like I got scapegoated upon.
I feel really sad. The way the Leo looked at me was scorn and accusation. �Born to speak her mind�. . . you know why I�ve been conditioned to keep silent? I remember others always laughing (at least I thought they were making fun of me). It almost feels like a physical transformation, this relearning. Maybe it�s like a rewiring of the brain circuits. I feel like there�s a connection between my own healing and my friend�s. I have to help someone learn how to listen so I could learn how to speak. Pretty good arrangement, eh? He needs more yin, I need more yang.

I got slashed at by an angry lion who is actually a fragile bird inside. How can a bird masquerade as a lion? holy moly I�m tired. And sad. I want to heal within and without. I don�t want to be scared anymore. I thought he was a lion. I think he�s actually a bird, like a sparrow hawk. I don�t want to miss out on helping my friend. I can�t help but remember all those injured birds that I tried saving but they all died. I don�t want my bird friend to die either.

When I got home, I did a reading about last night: the fool was covered with ten pentacles.

He�s pissed off because he feels that I should have warned him about the collective wanting to tell him how they felt. It went out of control because everyone had time to vent pent-up resentment while waiting for him to show for our last member meeting, 2 hours late. I was in the middle actually. I remember being told earlier that day to not tell him about their wanting to tell him how they felt. I should have realized the implications and told him. We could have avoided a hurtful confrontation and the collective would have vented together and felt more relaxed after. I could have advised him the next day to learn listening skills or else folks will get really mad. I was supposed to tell him to not bother showing up. I have to learn human dynamics. the collective forgot about keeping to the point. Everyone kept harping about their beef with him at him. It was my responsibility to warn him because I was with him the most. I�m not ready to facilitate a heated argument. I do know to forget the needs of a group in favour of the needs of an individual�s dignity.

later
Who does he think he is anyway? Who does he think I am? Why did I think that I knew him so well? Obviously I didn�t. I don�t understand why this had to happen. He has to learn humility, to keep some opinions to himself. I have to learn to speak without shying away. I�m unsure about so many things, especially people relations. I don�t know what to expect from humans. I don�t even know if he�ll even talk to me again. I don�t know if he hates me so much that he�d rather not ever see me again, but I still love him. I�m such a fckn� sucker. That has to do with my past conditioning about people I respect. I feel like I got discarded. . .

A disposable friend

tell me how you feel
and I�ll listen
you don�t have to hear
how I feel
Tell me how you feel
then throw me away
Because I�m your
Disposable friend.

for the Leo
I�m sorry about the way the events occurred. You think it was a conspiracy? Everyone else in the collective mentioned having tried to speak with you on several occasions over the past couple of months but you kept dismissing them and were too busy to hear what they had to say, or you would interrupt.
The resentment ended up building.
It was not my idea to have everyone �gang up on you.� It was no one�s idea as far as I know. You should have been at the meeting at 7 instead of being so fashionably late at 9:30. We should have updated you on what we talked about. I covered your ass working the store while you ran around the neighborhood being so busy.
Fck, dude, I guess you just piss people off.

My partner cracked his head falling down the stairs. It scared me. I don�t know what to make of that. I thought I was going to lose him too. I�m glad he�s ok. He doesn�t remember how he fell and I didn�t see it. Something happened that night that was more than just him slipping on wet cement, he doesn�t just fall. There is a weird energy affecting us. The other guy�s all pissed off, I�m all sad and now my partner injured his head. I have a thought of the spirit telling me to pay attention to my mate. I love him. If anyone is a soulmate, it�s him.

within: the Raven has to clear the smoke. Being upside down, she needs help.
Above: the Puma can teach without force.
Below: the Hummingbird is upside down and needs help opening the heart center.
East: the Coyote hasn�t learned yet how to recognize the �tricks�before they really hurt.
South: the Bat needs a ritual death.
West: the Dolphin always knows to remind folks of the eternal way.
North: the Hawk flies high to see the big picture.

male: Grouse
Female: Ant

Cards on what the Leo thinks of me:

Spirituality: Wolf - does my spirit sing of loyalty to the Earth?
Surroundings: Weasel - should I know the doings of others?
Reaction: Coyote - I better watch out for your tricks.
Intellect: Turkey - I give away.

He thinks I�m a spiritual turkey.

Another letter to the Leo

I was going to give you a three page letter but decided not to. Why give away more than I should, eh? Then I condensed that into one page, but that was too much too.
How much should I tell you?
How should I say it to you?
The skunk that kept coming into your cabin was right. . .
you demand so much respect from people that they�re afraid to confront you.
But who the hell am I to tell you that, eh?
Because you decided to avoid everyone in the arts collective, everyone�s made up their own version of what might be. I personally think that you totally hate me and would prefer to sever all friendship ties. It reminds me of a time when you stated that real friends don�t throw away friendships over an argument.
If you walk that talk, then you sure fooled me into thinking you were my friend.
The longer you take to communicate, the bigger the illusion gets.
The longer you take to ignore me, the angrier I get.

Anger is a temporary thing. What�s really happening is the loss of perspective through lack of communication.
We have to come to an under-standing. Wouldn�t it be better to stand under the same tree?
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