I am angry because:
• I have to hear single male’s drivel of how easy it is to move residences or go visit places where they just crash at people’s places. Single hippie male and so fckn’ enlightened that they’re blinded.
• the fact that we can’t just pack up and go to the country because:
  1) we have no vehicle
  "Get a ride from someone" would be the smug retort.
  That someone might not be dependable because we haven’t met them yet.
  "God, you don’t have to think so negative, you’ll never get anywhere being like that"
  Gag.
  
  2) we have no sleeping bags - no tent - no camp stove.
  We have no money to buy that stuff.
  "Well, I crash at friend’s houses or borrow their tent; people are nice you know"
  
  3) there are three of us: a family cannot go around asking for handouts and free lodging. That’s fckn’ freeloading.
• I’m tired of searching for a suitable home to live in. I’m tired of roommates moving out on us. I’m tired of this fckn’ bullshit.

What is the lesson out of all this? Why the hell don’t I get a chance of healing myself? I need someplace quiet to lay in the grass everyday. The sound of those noisy cars driving by is like that famous Chinese water torture :
Vroom
Drip
Vroom
Drip
Vroom
Drip

We can’t find a house that we can afford. At the rate we’re going I’ll be dead before I have at least $10 000 down payment for a house and by then properties will quadruple in price anyway.
My dad owns two houses side by side plus the one in which he lives, in an affluent neighborhood. Why won’t he help us? Why is it proper, in his view, that I help pay the rent to some Chinese guy we’ve never met who’s just gonna give the place to one of his sons anyway. I admire that custom; Eastern folks have very strong kinship ties. They help each other. The parents accumulate wealth with what they inherited from their parents and their parents before them so the next generation is assured a financial future.
What the hell is wrong with my dad? (he's not chinese)

Why are we not getting what we need?
We need a house on a quiet street with a sunny yard.
My needs are the family’s needs: healthy living space.

What’s next? Will it get better or will this shit keep on? Will our recent roommate move too when he finds someone interesting? At the last minute, if he’s anything like the other wandering hippy males. God they remind me of unfixed male dogs.
I don’t feel very cheerful.
I don’t feel like I ever had a real chance at true healing. Healing begins in the home; I think this house is a little sick. My spirituality has sharpened and focussed a little more but that’s something that happens regardless of how things are on the outside.
I imagine what it would be like to live in a house that I feel at peace with.

Don’t give me that shit about negative thoughts bringing same.

The past four years of roommate and brother in law bullshit was other people’s stupidity costing us money. All I did to bring this down onto us was trust and believe what those fckrs said.
My positivity caused negativity.

So I’m really pissed off. This is hellish, there’s no way out. We can’t afford the rent for a two bedroom house to ourselves. We can’t buy one. My dad won’t help, my mom says she would help if she had the kind of money my dad has. We have no vehicle and my bike got completely broken by my brother in law.
I’m not making any money and I’m sick of paying for some asshole’s mortgage that’s already been paid a few times over.

I did not cause any of this bullshit.
Not with my actions nor with my thoughts. Our only mistake was choosing to be in charge of rent and bills. I didn’t have much say about who moved in.
Our first roommate was some loser from my husband’s work that needed a place and left a month later in the night before rent day. Another loser from another work crew needed a place to live and cost us over $400 in phone calls to his x-wife. After them was a steady stream of people that drifted. Most of them were cool and we’re glad we met them; the only female roommates we had were the most responsible; one went to school and always payed her teeny tiny phone bills of a couple dollars that we could easily cover. The other also went to school for a bit then had to move for a job she couldn’t refuse that was far away.

My husband’s brother and company were not even roommates; they pushed a real roommate out by sheer rudeness and grunginess then refused to pay any rent.

We’ve had 12 different roommates, three of which were excellent, two were women and the other was a man who covered his ass by moving promptly because he heard us talking about moving.

The rest of them were being lead by their penises; as soon as one of them found a girlfriend we’d have to put another ad at the community ad wall which is where we found the good roommates. Three different guys had moved out then moved back in a few months or a year later when their relationships soured.

What a waste of time to dwell on this stupid shit. I’d much rather worry over a creative project.

Those wandering guys make me want to be a "castrating annie"; it’d be nice to "fix" those dumb damn dogs.
Enlightened goof: "you don’t know what it’s like"
what I want to say: "fck you, neither do you"

I don’t like it when people come across as totally cool and they seem to be on the healing path but they turn out to be just as egotistical as ‘trendy’ people from the pop culture that they denounce so vociferously.

I have good intentions, I want to help people but I haven’t had a chance to heal myself.

It’d be nice to go for a sweat lodge but I think a quiet yard would fix me in a more thorough way.

When I see a member of my ‘star’ family get rotten deals, I get upset.

A guy our friend started seeing asked us if it was a good idea for him to move in with her. We stated that it was a bad idea but he moved in anyway under the pretense that it’s cheaper rent. She wanted to quit smoking and he decided to quit with her. We thought it was good until he tried to force her roommate to smoke outside when he wasn’t even living there yet. Then he went back to smoking and when she actually wanted a smoke one day because we were drinking beer, he wouldn’t let her have one, while he’s puffing away. They came over for christmas and I forced him to smoke outside despite his whining "but it’s christmas!"

He broke her dog’s hip by throwing him in anger. I hope he doesn’t have children until he knows who he is. Whatever that happened to him long ago shaped his present state of mind, those events were not his creator, they are his teachers.
He must learn alone, because others have their own events to learn from. Humility is a personal helper of mine. He must recognize his own personal helper. The bear is a good judge and the dolphin is a great communicator, there are many other animal helpers to learn from.

He needs to release his focus; depending on oneself for motivation makes life a lot easier. He cannot depend on her to teach him how to live, it takes a lot of psychic energy and she has her work to concentrate on. Her job is to help heal teenagers thru her teaching job. He must heal himself. He has to release her from his focus. He depends on her to be happy; if she doesn’t succeed in making him feel better then he makes her unhappy.
That is a form of vampirism.
A lot of folks depend on their friends for self-worth-happiness-motivation but they shouldn't blame them if they’re still unhappy.
This guy should thank us for giving advice and meditating on his feelings and what his soul, not the ego, knows to be true.

If you haven’t got it then you haven’t asked. If you asked for it and you still haven’t got it then you were not heard or understood, or the time is not right.

White Buffalo Woman where are you?

Don’t look back
personal life "poor me, I hate the folks that hurt me".
media portrayal "look at those ‘hoodlums’"
look ahead
- don’t forget about how things get screwed so as to avoid it next time. -
Birth and onwards: "ow, quit it, stop beating up on me"
teen years: "this sucks, I got no hope, I want to die"
adulthood: "why did they do this to me? I got a rotten deal"
either people figure out the "lessons" from those shitty experiences or they continue their cycle.

I want to be able to talk to people; the two legged ones. I want to be able to talk and be listened.
It really bothers me when I try to share my inside knowledge and it just seems to bounce against the walls; I want the things that need noticing to be noticed.
I found a book called White Buffalo Woman Comes Singing. The author talks about how she came to be where she is. She is part native and had a grandmother that still remembered the old ways. It’s a good book and I’d like to meet her someday, but, as with almost all the transformational new age books, I’m reminded again and again of my non-lineage and my inability to talk to people. I couldn’t even show some written material to a native counselor at the friendship centre without crying. He said he’ll print a bunch up for people to take home but will he? Did he think I was valid? Or did he think I was just a flake? I guess I should go there and talk to someone again.

Why is this making me cry?

What is it that I need? Self-esteem? Is that all? Why don’t I just know I’m right and not get confused in front of more than one person? Performing in front of people is something I really want to do, but when it happens I get too self conscious. When I’m alone my emotions are expressed but as soon as someone watches I start laughing and slouching and I feel like a total goof.
It feels like if I do a performance of some kind and people clap and enjoy it, I’ll probably change.
But so far, I still lug that bag of childhood shyness. Being shy takes opportunities away. I see my kid being shy too. What makes some kids so outgoing and cheery and others so uncomfortably shy?
I don’t want him to end up like me.
If I could describe my reality well, then I could interpret what other people are trying to say.
But won’t I have my own bias?

I want to perform as a bird, on stilts.
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