I wrote a letter to the collective but I didn’t read it aloud because I talked myself into thinking it was for the Leo. I ended up losing the letter but it was about me feeling like I got no right to tell another person what to learn. I wanted to tell him that he should learn humility. Maybe that’s what masks are for; as a mortal being it would make no difference what I said, but if I "became" a certain spirit the information would be valid.

But whatever.

I don’t like hurting people’s feelings so I try to choose my wording to as to remain impartial . . . personal opinions polarizes people.
The issue is that there is a block about me airbrushing in the store.
"Why should she get a spot when we don’t?"
"If she gets to do that then we’ll all want to demonstrate our art."
What about portrait artists? What about face painting?
Restrictions really suck. That’s probably why I've gotten hurt because I’ve let people restrict me too much.
You know what, though? No matter how many shitty experiences, I’ll not give up hope because there’s Good somewhere.
I feel like giving up on this art gallery collective. Me and another member felt like we were in the way. I don’t feel like my shirts are groovy enough. I didn’t remember about the cheque signing and I never learned about any kind of organization of sales and legal documents and retail store requirements.
What if I had been raised by a Native family with traditional values up in the country somewhere and never had any "job" training? Would that be a reason for the Leo to slow down and take the time to train a mind used to symbols [circle] and verbal history and "indian time" to data and numbers and deadlines and all that [square] stuff. Then again, someone raised with traditional values wouldn’t be a simpering loser feeling sorry for herself. I was raised in a [square] house; shouldn’t I be [square] efficient too? No, I had retreated into the [circle] way and now I am forced to think the [square] way.

I’m so fckn’ tired of trying to learn everything by myself. I know there’s lots of work to be done but I end up feeling like I don’t know a thing.

- For the Leo,
the Native trip is something I feel strongly about because I have spiritual feelings but I know that so does everyone else. I’ve never really met anyone of illustrious wisdom. Elijah is the closest to being a learned elder. He’s a good teacher of benevolence, empathy, patience, tolerance and humility. I’ve been exposed to a lot of men that need humility teachings but they won’t take it from someone like me. They all have the common notion that their reality was unshakable. Something about me shakes it a bit and all that comes out of their puny brains is anger.

Will I have to ask for spiritual teachings or should I wait because it isn’t time yet? I’d like to describe the dreamcatcher as a dream filter instead but would someone from the Tribes get pissed off at little ol’ me for "trying to change tradition"?
How ancient is the symbol of a web within a hoop? Did people in pre-historic Europe have similar symbols? Just because something is not recorded in any archeological books doesn’t mean it never existed.
How many people believe in Atlantis?

You know about Medecine ways (herbology) and I know you know and I think you should know that I want to know more.

I feel like you don’t have confidence in me because I didn’t know which cheque was for who and I haven’t been showing up first thing in the morning and I appear clueless, therefore not worth teaching.
Maybe what I want to clear up is the fact that I am worth slowing down to teach. I have a lot to learn because I never had this kind of experience before.
Maybe if all that [square] can be shown in a [circle] manner. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

I have to get used to this OK? I’m not used to being part of anything collective.

We met for a reason and it’s not just for casual acquaintances. I’m not sure what but cultural change is definitely part of that reason. The crow spirit spoke to you. It spoke to me also. We’re supposed to round people up for revivals.
I want to talk to you about the Great Goddess that I met. She had great directing power but she got tired. I kept wanting to tell her how I thought a lot of people have White Buffalo Woman within them. There’s lots of White Buffalo Women, isn’t there?
I think what I need is reinforcement of what I think I know. It’s good to learn from the world at large but it would be nice to have spirit talk with someone who knows also without being doubtful.
Maybe I just want to be understood, maybe I’m whining.

You talk shit about people behind their backs and I think that sucks. Maybe that’s why I’m afraid to open up and be honest with you. You are too big a critic.

The attraction of same occurs like molecules bonding.
Is human relations anything like quantum physics?

Are we like atoms or molecules?

Our groups being like molecular structures, constantly changing and exchanging atoms.

What I wanted was individualized teachings, but I have to just simply learn to know what to learn. How am I supposed to know which is True and which is just a personal view? That’s my ego talking.

My deeper self knows what is True. A personal opinion is not an absolute truth. The truth is when you know that an idea is someone’s personal opinion. What you think and believe might not be true to others who have ideas of their own.
What if everyone thought of the same thing so the illusion of its truth is all encompassing?

There will always be someone who’ll think of it as not true. No matter what you think there’s someone in the world who doesn’t agree.
So everyone should just agree to disagree.
Nah.

There’s a lot more thought than there are words. Words are so static, they are just a part of what they are describing. People can describe their ideas with computer images that will blow your mind. What other medium of communication will be developed? Will psychic "sending" come back in style?

What’s the lesson? That I must find it within myself to fix my mental ailment? Looks like that’s what I’ll have to do because I’m not getting the teacher I was hoping for. So I’ll have to keep learning from assorted people. I guess it’s better that way because there’s more diversity of teachings.

I didn’t want to have to deal with the public but the joker spirit shoved that lesson in my face and made me eat it and absorb it fully. I still don’t think I’m that good at public relations but at least I don’t feel so useless and dumb. Now I have to talk to one of our members who hasn’t been up­front with her feelings about me having a spot to custom airbrush. I think it went like this: while we were still renovating I heard from someone that someone’s been saying that I shouldn’t get to airbrush there but they didn’t say who. I finally asked the right person who told me that she complained to the central organizer (the Leo) before leaving for Toronto: "I don’t think it’s fair that she gets to use this space like a studio. . . I have to go on my trip so don’t talk about this to anyone until I get back"
No one came up front with me. Even the Leo didn’t face me honestly and I get told that it’s my inability to deal with people that is causing all this.

Again and again I get blamed for other people’s fucked-upness. I’m doing fine thank you for nothing. "I’m OK, you’re not".

I might have an expectation of my plans not working out but why do I get told that I should learn to fix myself because I came from a dysfunctional family?
Why can’t people have the guts to speak their minds to the people they’d like to talk to? One wouldn’t talk to me directly and the other called me "sweety pie" and various other stupid girlie pet names.
Human drama. . . yuk.

This is me about learning retail sales at the collective gallery:
"I can’t do this. . . I’m not good at this. . . I hate doing this. . . don’t leave me alone. . . . . . . . .
I have to do it so I have to try. . . . . hey, this isn’t so bad. . ."

Sweetie-pie girl went the other way:
"I can do this. . . I’m really good at this. . .trust me, I’ve done it lots. . . . . . . . . .
Omigod, don’t leave me all alone. . ."

Finally a conflict that didn’t leave me incapacitated. Now I’ve got to learn to be in control of a "ship" and know what things need to be done. Not poster work, I’m good at that. I need to learn to "lead"; to get people with the same shyness I have (had?) To come out of their shells and shine brightly.

One lesson: it’s good to wait until things had gotten figured out so one is not so pissed off; otherwise anger makes for personal statements and who the hell wants a verbal "arms race"?

You belittle my descriptions of my experiences because you did similar things in the early 70's when it was ‘new’. I get the impression that you think any experiences after that period to be mere copy cats. Personally, I relish watching or hearing of younger people doing something I’ve done. I want to hear their version of reality, I want to hear their stories because they’re never quite the same as mine.
You said I do too much acid. You’re one to talk with all your groovy lifestyle stories. I do it once a year, if that. So what if I can’t remember appointments or names or numbers. I’m not a fckn’ moron; I am from the real Bird Tribe, not one you made up with your groovy friends. ‘In the air’ is where I can see best. I just haven’t been able to hold a job.
You called me spoiled when I bemoaned the return to mundane life after that intense and beautiful acid trip me and my partner had. What the fck makes you think I’m spoiled? You don’t even have a clue what I’ve been through. You never cared to know. You made up your mind about me and that was that.
Well, I think you’re spoiled. You got to travel without ever having to be afraid of being raped. That’s why I never traveled. You got to live on a reserve with a bunch of your groovy friends and called yourselves the "bird tribe" and you learned carving from native elders.
Remember when I said how people who need the teachings the most, get them? I must already know everything because the only medecine teachers I’ve met were a Goddess lady who’s afraid of everything and good ol’ Elijah who simply lifts my spirits and acknowledges what I’ve learned. I don’t see him very often.
I will let you decide who you are to me.
My teacher is split up into different people and it’s really scary sometimes to try to believe in my knowledge.
It’s a very lonely feeling.
You said I’m never grounded; well you’d be too if you had a kid whining and acting totally bratty and a partner who isn’t creative and just wants to watch tv. You’re lucky (spoiled) that you only have yourself to ground for. I’m supposed to make them all enlightened and grounded? I don’t think so.
Spiritual courage and strength are what I need. I guess that’s why I believed you to be the one to teach me that because you believe yourself to be such a special Leo.
Is there a thorn in the lion’s paw?

Hey. . . have you realized we haven’t touched? Our skin has had no contact but our minds are linked and it feels like we’ve been intimate several times. Sometimes there’s a split second of eye contact that is full of deep breaths, sweat soaked backs arched to the full moon and intertwining limbs hanging on and squeezing. It would be so gratifying to actually do it in the material realm. I can see it in your eyes, the fire behind them. I feel it in my belly; it’s not even a "loin" thing, I feel it in my head, my heart and my belly. Visually it would look like fine gossamer tendrils reaching out through my belly towards you, caressing your astral body.
Goddam I want to hug you but you’re like me, you don’t usually like being touched. And we both know without telling the other.
No one knows.
Not even ourselves.
I think about how just one sentence said at the right time would materialize the invisible but tangible attraction of like souls. It has to be the right time. . .

Who are you anyway? Are you my teacher? My friend? Both? Would physical love make a difference? Of course it would. The question is whether the difference be harmonious or become wierded out. I wouldn’t be dependent but would you?
We’re twins, we almost look alike.

My airiness feeds your fire which changes my air into CO2 which feeds the "flora" at our gallery of local culture.
We are a symbiosis.
Yet I feel that I freak you out. I feel like I freak a lot of people but they never tell me so I’m never quite sure.
I want to hug you; I want to massage your muscles and help you relax. I want to do acid with you and touch souls. We could not handle each other for long, we are too alike, we’d get tangled up with our search for truth.
We have to alter our senses and become each other’s God and Goddess. . . what a divine experience that would be.
I want to talk about this with you but I don’t know how to go about it.
I know we won’t be our daily selves when we get together like this. We’ll be our higher selves; the part that remembers the precious relationship of all of creation. . .

Was the previous story a fixation?
Fixation: (14c) the act, process or result of fixation, as a persistent concentration of libidinal energies upon objects characteristic of psycho-sexual stages of development preceding the genital stage.

What a dry description!

Libidinal, libido: emotional or psychic energy that in psycho-analytic theory is derived from primitive biological urges.
That’s pretty dry too.
Here’s my version:
fixation: focussing of psychic and emotional energy between two or more sentient beings.

A group can fixate upon a particular goal. . . kind of like the apostles, except anyone can do it.

I wonder why I’m so intent on describing this state of thinking. . . I have a need to describe everything I think.

Words are so limiting. Pictures too.
Words, pictures and music to get a message across; that’s why computers got invented. It’s all a drive to describe one’s thoughts.
Humans have it built-in to want to relate their feelings to their fellow humans.
The sickness is when a human doesn’t want to hear another’s reality because their own reality is what they want for everyone.

People must learn to listen.

Listen to their deep selves.
Listen to their fellow humans.
Listen to the winged and four legged.
Listen to the wind and the rain.
Listen to the Earth and all Her relations.

why was I scared to show the previous page’s White Buffalo Woman poem to the Leo, someone of the similar path? I wanted to show him the "listening" part of Buffalo Woman’s message. Being the way he is, I was afraid of not being listened to or laughed at.

Most Valentine hearts should be green.

Everything loves to grow: plant, animal, rock.
Three forms of being.

Three growth styles:

Plant - moss, trees, fungus, lichen, flowers, grasses, vines
Animal - unicellular, insect, fish, reptile, mammal, bird
Crystal - frost, salt, quartz
Any others?

What about thought growths? One can’t touch them so they’re hard to "measure". Thought growths happen amongst groups of sentient beings as they communicate with each other.
There’s growth caused by animal action, like reefs, beehives and cities.

lips connect with fervent passion
stroking tongues within
beads of sweat reflecting star light
embracing bodies rocking in unison
together at once embracing the experience

This energy generated within me is very strong and I want to use it to direct power where it is needed.
A sacred sex ritual with drumming and a fire and a full moon on a hot summer night. . . Is it possible?
My lower chakra must have been "activated"; I picture it as a big swollen swirling red vortex. I can’t stop thinking about it.

I want to hear what people would say about me.
How about a drawing or sculpture of someone’s soul?
Why is physical body contact so taboo in my perspective?
There are couples that do trade partners. We’ve got two very good friends whom I feel quite close because we are on the same wavelength; we work very well together. One is outspoken about everything and we both know where it’s at, it’s a matter of the right time and place. The other, the leo, has "hinted" but the most obvious to me is the vibrations he puts out. It feels like we are only communicating from the "top" layers of our consciousness.

I must talk to my partner about this fixation. That’s another thing, me and my partner have talked about this "sharing" with the outspoken guy but haven’t done anything about it yet. We await a woman that my partner feels anything about so it would be fair. The leo has a tighter clamp upon his feelings, so I’m not really sure how he feels; we’d probably just agree that it might not be a good idea since we work together. We work together really well, I’d say we make a good creative team.

Our frequencies align so of course that feeling might get confused with horny feelings. . .

I’m at a part where I don’t know which words to use. I did a minuscule amount of acid last night while laying in bed and kept seeing death. I’d see the image of a blade cutting flesh and the word bloodletting kept running through my mind.
I feel depressed.
I feel that feeling of having been ripped off again.
That feeling when I see kids enjoying spiritual freedom; that feeling when I see kids enjoying native teachings.

I feel so fckn’ alone.

The older I get the more I notice just how truly alone I was. Still am. Once in a while I get a glimpse of someone’s coolness, but no one seems willing to share their thoughts with me. Even Elijah seemed distant although he was only in town for a couple hours. Am I that stupid that I don’t notice that I’m just like everyone else? But if I am like everyone else, why doesn’t everyone else want spiritual teachings?
I want to talk about what I think I know because I just can’t seem to believe what truth I have.

I’m 28 and I still contemplate suicide. I don’t want to remain in this state of helplessness; living in shitty rental house on a busy street and not having anything fresh to eat. All through summer, the time of full harvest, all we ate was shitty kraft dinner-type crap. . . I feel like we’re just a bunch of white trash losers.

I want a nice place to live.

Why do I feel like shit? Because our son acts like such a brutish boy sometimes; he is so unlike me, he moves too much and he doesn’t draw. I almost wish they’d just leave me. Unfortunately I’d have to be an insane bitch for that to happen. Like I’m not already anyway.
I suck.
Why can’t I get up in the mornings and make things?
Why can’t my partner get up in the mornings and play with our son?

I want a communal art house to live in. I wanted that ten years ago but all the places I lived have been anti-art: dark, messy and cold.

My altars have no meaning anymore because I don’t pay enough attention to them.
I think we drag each other down.
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