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-------------------- [Apu is shot.] Apu: Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying. -------------------- Bar: Milhouse, what happened?! You were supposed to be watching the factory! Milhouse: I was watchin'. First it started to fall over, then it fell over. -------------------- [Praying heavenward] Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman! -------------------- Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch? Marge: But it's only 9:30 in the morning! Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. -------------------- Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad. Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too. -------------------- [On working at the DMV.] Patty: Somedays we don't let the line move at all. Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays. -------------------- Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. -------------------- Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy just doesn't work! -------------------- Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet? Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know. -------------------- Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of... Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk. -------------------- Bart: Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. -------------------- Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -------------------- Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely. -------------------- Lou: You know I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night. Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: A what? Lou: A McDonald's restaurant. Eh, I never heard of it either, but they have over two thousand locations in this state alone. Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight. Lou: You know the funniest thing, though, it's the little differences. Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Example? Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it? Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese. -------------------- Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh. Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog? Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me. -------------------- Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien. Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I. Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy? -------------------- Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! -------------------- [Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.] Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off! -------------------- [George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:] Lisa: I WANT TO HELP YOU, GEORGE WASHINGTON! Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square. -------------------- Bart: As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade. Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids. -------------------- Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel. -------------------- Mr. Burns: You're fired. Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you. Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off. -------------------- Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds. -------------------- Reverend Lovejoy: Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll. -------------------- Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau? Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it. Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles. -------------------- Dealer: 19. Homer: Hit me! Dealer: 20. Homer: Hit me! Dealer: 21. Homer: Hit me! Dealer: 22. Homer: D'oh! -------------------- Burns: Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers! -------------------- Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself. Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked. -------------------- Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye. Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake! -------------------- [Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach.] Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage? Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds. Lisa: [unimpressed] There's a can. -------------------- Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose. -------------------- Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash! Smithers: Um, well, sir... it happened twenty five years before I was born. Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything! -------------------- Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon. -------------------- Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." -------------------- Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor. Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm. -------------------- Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away. Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight. Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that. -------------------- Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance... Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning. Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad. Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip. Marge: Mmm -------------------- Homer: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert! Marge Simpson: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses. -------------------- Moe Szyslak: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. -------------------- Moe Szyslak: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island. Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads. Moe: With the what now? -------------------- Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate! -------------------- Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. -------------------- Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday. Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend! -------------------- [After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.] Bart: It's craptacular. -------------------- Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut! -------------------- Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring you conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up. -------------------- Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse! Homer: Oooh, that's bad. Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt! Homer: That's good! Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate. [Homer looks puzzled.] That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? -------------------- [Bart's looking for his dog.] Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church. Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church. Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya heard me! -------------------- Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?! Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name. Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules"! [leaves] -------------------- [Bart doing a newcast on a kids news show.] Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks. -------------------- Barney: Hello, my name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic. Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting! Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem? -------------------- Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube. -------------------- Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R. -------------------- Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place. Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Marge: Won't that warp him? Homer: My cousin Frank did it. Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank. Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now. -------------------- Marge Simpson: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman. Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing. -------------------- Bleedin' Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while you're at it. -------------------- [Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus.] Manager: Do you like children? Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts? -------------------- Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir. -------------------- Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect. Lisa: Tough choice. Bart: I'm picking respect. -------------------- Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community. -------------------- Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. Bart: Okay. Lisa: Embrace nothingness. Bart: You got it. Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone. Bart: Done. Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about! Bart: True. Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating! Bart: I'll bet. -------------------- Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why. Bart: I understand why. You were wasted. Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Homer: Aww. -------------------- Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out. -------------------- Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get BEATEN UP. Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend. -------------------- Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible. Lisa: Really? Where? Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back. -------------------- Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus? Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word! Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible. Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible? Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900. [quickly hangs up] -------------------- Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Homer: Say it in English, Doc. Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery. Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo. Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade? -------------------- Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln? Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children. -------------------- Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers? Smithers: That's Homer. Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man? Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude... Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell. -------------------- Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like? Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you? -------------------- Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would. -------------------- Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say? Smithers: If *you* did it, sir? -------------------- Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries? -------------------- Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end. -------------------- Chief Clancy Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free. -------------------- [While operating on Homer.] Dr. Nick Riviera: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch. ...Uh oh. -------------------- Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks! Homer: Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy. -------------------- Lisa: Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa! Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look. -------------------- Seymour Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car! Edna Krabappel: I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama! Seymour Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this. -------------------- Dr. Julius Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is! -------------------- Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding... -------------------- Moe Szyslak: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love. Abe Simpson: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front"! -------------------- Alien: I bring you love! Larry: It's bringing love, don't let it get away! Karl: Break its legs! Lisa: No! Wait! [Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns] Willy: Argh! It's a monster! Kill it, kill it! Smithers: No, stop! It's not a monster, it's Mr Burns! Willy: Ahhh, it's Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it!! -------------------- Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? Homer: Do I have to sit up? Bart: No. Homer: Knock yourself out. -------------------- Homer: If he didn't steal the church collection plate money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes? Marge: Those were the clothes he wore to church! Homer: Oooooh, how convenient. -------------------- Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy. Judge: You mean a mistrial? Lionel Hutz: That's why you're the judge and I'm the... law... talking... guy. -------------------- [Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead.] Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Homer: Explain how. Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Homer: Woo-hoo! -------------------- Milhouse: It started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended in tragedy. -------------------- Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T! -------------------- Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd. -------------------- Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plants has given me a healthy green glow and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. -------------------- Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. -------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / |
