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---------------------------------------- Homer: Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose their dear friendship. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life? Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. ---------------------------------------- Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it? Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch. ---------------------------------------- Miss Hoover: I fail to see the educational value of this assembly. Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, it will be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? ---------------------------------------- Apu: I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99 ---------------------------------------- Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead. ---------------------------------------- Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication ---------------------------------------- Grampa Simpson: Quick, we have to kill the boy. Marge: How did you know he's a vampire? Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire?! ---------------------------------------- Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun. ---------------------------------------- Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun. Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around. [Homer starts pushing Lisa around] Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya? Lisa: No... ---------------------------------------- Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway? [menacingly] Homer: Was it you, Bart? ---------------------------------------- Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, and gremlins, and Eskimos. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Is this episode going on the air live? June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist. ---------------------------------------- [At the hockey match, Bart is playing against Lisa] Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield. Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away. ---------------------------------------- Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid.". ---------------------------------------- Bart: Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson. ---------------------------------------- Ralph Wiggum: Hi Principal Skinner. Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers. ---------------------------------------- Homer: I'm back... Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"? Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson? Smithers: Ummm... Remember we tried that? Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. ---------------------------------------- Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous. Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us. Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super. ---------------------------------------- Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him. ---------------------------------------- [The Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie] Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13? Marge: [Reading pamphlet): It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling. ---------------------------------------- [At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show] Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen. Bart: What about the Emmys? Lisa: I stand corrected. ---------------------------------------- [Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail] Marge: What if something goes wrong? Homer: Pffft... what if... what I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower?... Oh my god! I'd be killed! ---------------------------------------- [Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for] Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut? Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit? Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden? Homer: Well, something did. Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight. Homer: Alright, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh! ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Bart, this is priceless. Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind? ---------------------------------------- Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence. . .of being a jerk." ---------------------------------------- Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy. Leonard Nimoy: [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five. [crowd laughs] Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force be with you." Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am? Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals? ---------------------------------------- Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest. Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos. ---------------------------------------- [Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo] Mayor Quimby: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick. Honk at that broad. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous. Ralph Wiggum: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh [falls to ground] Ralph Wiggum: Ooohhh. Lisa: How are they, Ralph? Good? Ralph Wiggum: They taste like... burning. ---------------------------------------- [Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day] Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce the Prophet of Love, Larry White. Barry White: It's Barry White. Mayor Quimby: No, the card says Larry White. Barry White: I think I know my own name. Mayor Quimby: Yeah, well we'll just see about that. ---------------------------------------- Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood. Homer: You had me at "hello". Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello. ---------------------------------------- [After finishing building a church] Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Mom, what's happening? Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again. ---------------------------------------- [The Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for them] Marge: Ooh, look, we can choose its personality. [Clicks on Matthew Perry] House: Could I BE more of a house? --------------------------------------- [The Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit"] Elevator Inspector 1: Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up. Elevator Inspector 2: I think I'm gonna be sick. ---------------------------------------- [Homer is getting stitches in his eyes] Homer: I hate getting stitches in my eye. Stupid crows. Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices. ---------------------------------------- [Homer is taunting a shark] Homer: Come on Sharky. Call yourself the king of the jungle? ---------------------------------------- Homer: I don't see any shirts saying Homer is a dope. Salesman: They sold out ten minutes ago. Homer: I'll take one. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: If you believe in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns? Kent Brockman: Oh Lisa, everyone knows leprechauns are extinct. ---------------------------------------- [Homer becomes a teacher] Lisa: So, dad, are you ready to spread knowledge and enlighten minds? [Homer stares at her, confused] Homer: That's right, honey. Daddy's a teacher. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down. Homer: Oh, why do we always have to have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good? Marge: We have three kids, Homer. Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid. Marge: No, I mean Maggie. Homer: Oh, yeah. ---------------------------------------- [The city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters] Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans... Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer. ---------------------------------------- Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement. ---------------------------------------- [Marge made a disgusting breakfast] Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this. [out loud] Lisa: Say, Dad, [winks] Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair? [winks] Homer: No, Lisa, [winks] Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast. [winks] ---------------------------------------- [Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub] Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe. Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out. Homer: Enough of what's out. What's in? Moe: Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer. Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo. Moe: Homer, that's the worst name I've ever heard. [A man runs out of the bar crying] Barney: Wait. Joey Joe Joe! ---------------------------------------- Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd. Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt? [open his jacket to show off his shirt] Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN". [laughs] Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny. Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio." ---------------------------------------- Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman. Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again? Homer: I'm sure we will, honey. [She is sucked into a jet engine in the background] Homer: I'm sure we will. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Who cut my brakes? Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your break liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad. ---------------------------------------- Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag? Homer: I have misplaced my pants. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? I made a dollar. Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Homer: Woo hoo! Four day weekend! ---------------------------------------- Krusty The Clown: Kids, we're going to the happiest place on earth - Tijuana, Mexico! ---------------------------------------- Krusty The Clown: And this ends Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest. So have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet, and a solemn, eventful Ramadan. Now, over to my god, our sponsors. ---------------------------------------- Krusty The Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO Box... ---------------------------------------- Chief Wiggum: We have a pursuit of a suspect driving a... car of some sort. Heading in the direction... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless, I repeat, hatless. Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail. ---------------------------------------- TV Announcer: Tonight on 'Wings'... enhh, who cares? ---------------------------------------- Homer: I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from my second wife. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy? Bart: Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty. Homer: Oh yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudice against all races. ---------------------------------------- [While Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar] Homer: [picks up phone] Hello? Bart: Hello, is Ali Tabooger there? Homer: Ooh, Bart. My first prank phone call. What do I do? What do I do? Bart: Don't panic. Just ask for Ali Tabooger. Homer: I don't get it. Bart: Ask for I'll Eat A Booger. Homer: What's the joke? Bart: [sighs] Forget it. [hangs up] ---------------------------------------- Bart: This is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience. ---------------------------------------- [Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary] Ralph Wiggum: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent. Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside? Ralph Wiggum: He was going to the bathroom. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Why is there no dial tone? Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines. Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility? Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: Damnit Smithers. This is brain surgery, not rocket science. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh. --------------------------------------- Homer: I'm sorry. I cant come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy. ---------------------------------------- Stan Lee: Say, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? Comic Book Guy: The term is "courting," thank you. The restraining order says "no-no," but her eyes say "yes-yes." ---------------------------------------- Kent Brockman: Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers. ---------------------------------------- Dr. Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs. ---------------------------------------- [Dr. Nick's commercial] Dr. Nick: You've tried the best. Now try the rest! ---------------------------------------- Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way... Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already. Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile. ---------------------------------------- Lou: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief. Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night? ---------------------------------------- Homer: What does "sequestered mean"? Principal Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel so that they cant communicate with the outside world. Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean? Principal Skinner: It's when the jury cant agree on a verdict. Homer: And "if"? Principal Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition of". Homer: So "if" we get "deadlocked", we'll be "sequestered" at the Springfield Palace Hotel. Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO. Ooh. Free Willy. ---------------------------------------- [A realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion] Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink. Mr. Burns: Ooh. Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk. ---------------------------------------- [Marge has just sliced off Homer's thumb] Marge: I'm sorry. Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge. ---------------------------------------- Chief Wiggum: All right, where's Sideshow Bob and that guy who uh, eats people and takes their faces? Prisoner: I'm right here, Chief. Chief Wiggum: OK, then. Where's Sideshow Bob? Prisoner: Eh, he ran off. Chief Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, I uh, beat him to death. ---------------------------------------- Bart: Lis, can you keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here. Principal Skinner: [on phone] Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man. ---------------------------------------- Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat... Grampa Simpson: Uh-oh. Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? Grampa Simpson: I sure hope so. --------------------------------------- Ron Howard: Is that... vodka... and wheat grass? Homer: It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one? ---------------------------------------- Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a 'whiz' to know that you're looking out for 'Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon. ---------------------------------------- Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. ---------------------------------------- Chief Wiggum: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA. Marge: Oh my god. He's dead? Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. [a woman walks in] Woman: Uh, hi. My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI? Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch. ---------------------------------------- Reverned Lovejoy: Now Homer, you can say anything here. There's no judgment. Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck in the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. Reverned Lovejoy: I cast thee out. ---------------------------------------- Jay Sherman: Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied. [Many hours pass] Rainer Wolfcastle: Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers. ---------------------------------------- Marge: And punish Lisa for lying to us. Homer: All right, young lady. March yourself right down to the Quik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer. ---------------------------------------- Lou: It looks like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Chief Wiggum: Are you kidding? That's like two blocks away. Lou: It looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. Chief Wiggum: Officer proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8. Lou: [on the radio] Pretzels. Repeat, we need pretzels. ---------------------------------------- [Homer reads label on medicinal pot] Homer: Caution, objects may appear more edible than they actually are. ---------------------------------------- [Homer is teaching Succesful Marriage course] Homer: Now what is a wedding, well Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / |
