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-------------------- Lisa Simpson: Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist? -------------------- Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman! -------------------- Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming. -------------------- [Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back.] Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store. Homer: This isn't very convenient. Apu: Must you knock on everything we do? -------------------- Kirk Van Houten: [trying to impress Homer with his new bachelor pad] So what do we got, guy? A wild party? Neighbors: An opossum drowned in the swimming pool. Can we borrow a garbage bag? Kirk Van Houten: Aaaah, just throw it over the fence and let Arby's worry about it. -------------------- Marge: Lisa, normally I'd support you for standing for what you believe in, but you've been doing that a lot lately. Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade. Homer: And we can't watch *Fox* 'cause they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria. -------------------- Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene." -------------------- Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. -------------------- Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. -------------------- Homer: Homer no function beer well without. -------------------- Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening. -------------------- Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? -------------------- Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. -------------------- Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. -------------------- Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal. -------------------- Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! -------------------- Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911! -------------------- Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! -------------------- Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. [Sound FX: step step step step step... slam] -------------------- Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! -------------------- Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! -------------------- Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! -------------------- Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie - Police Academy. -------------------- Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this Bible! Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. -------------------- Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart, Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. -------------------- Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Thy bidding will be done. [munch munch munch] -------------------- Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. -------------------- [A rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window] Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. -------------------- [Speaking about the skeleton she found] Lisa Simpson: It could be a mutant from the power plant. Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray. Waylon Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir? Mr Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well. -------------------- [While watching a faculty talent show] Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. -------------------- Maude Flanders: Edna, I really don't think we're talking about love. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N. Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down! -------------------- Bart: Hey mouse. Say cheese. [Takes a flash picture of the killer robot Itchy, short-circuiting it] Hey, with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action star. -------------------- [Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"] Homer: Simpson, Homer. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH! [runs into a chestnut tree] -------------------- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. ...Maybe Texas. -------------------- Barney Gumble: I'll never drink again. Film Festival Presenter: And your prize is a lifetime supply of Duff beer. Barney Gumble: Hook it to my veins! -------------------- Homer: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository! -------------------- Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure? -------------------- [Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door] Homer: Oh no, Mormons! Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians. -------------------- Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you. Homer: I like you. Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you. Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better. -------------------- [Bart has an earring] Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age? Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different! -------------------- Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Lisa Simpson: Because they discovered gold right over there! Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything. -------------------- Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes. Homer: Three minutes! [whistles] Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy! -------------------- [Homer is a Blackjack dealer] Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond. James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card.] Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck. Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one. [Homer deals Bond another card.] James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"? Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond... [Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.] James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose! [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.] At least tell me your plans for world domination! Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again. -------------------- [Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant] Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. -------------------- Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively. -------------------- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. -------------------- Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible! -------------------- [Homer is using butter as a pencil holder.] Marge: Is that my butter? Homer: Can't talk - taking memo. [Licks tip of pencil as if about to write.] Mmmmm... delicious. -------------------- Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway. -------------------- Moe Szyslak: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants. -------------------- [Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care] Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster. -------------------- [Looking at Uruguay on a map] Homer: Heehee! Look at this country! "You are gay." -------------------- [Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison] Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar. -------------------- [At Apu's wedding.] Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before. Reverend Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ. -------------------- Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, so in the end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no." -------------------- Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit? Bart: Can I burn evidence in it? Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it. -------------------- Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee. Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee! -------------------- Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new? Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure. -------------------- [At her first Broadway show.] Marge: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience. -------------------- [Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.] Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine." Guard: And your name is...? Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine. -------------------- Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats. Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours. -------------------- Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins. -------------------- Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! -------------------- Moe Szyslak: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine. -------------------- Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and free." -------------------- Homer: If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they make my shoes smell good? -------------------- Mark Hamill: Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies. Audience: Talk about Star Wars! Homer: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls. -------------------- Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now. -------------------- Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats. -------------------- Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny. Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny? -------------------- Marge: You awful, awful man! Stay away from my son! Sideshow Bob: [menacing] I'll stay away. Stay away... FOREVER! Homer: Oh, no! Sideshow Bob: Wait. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again! Marge: No! -------------------- Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you. Bart: Since when? Homer: Since your mother yelled at me. -------------------- Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy. -------------------- Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer. -------------------- Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero. Lisa: How so dad? Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out. Lisa: How does that make him a hero? Homer: Well it's more then you've done. -------------------- Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. -------------------- Insurance Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind? Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. Gasp! But what else is open at night? Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Homer's Brain: Heh heh heh. I woulda never thought of that. -------------------- Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings] Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick- Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord? Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands] Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but - [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious. -------------------- Moe Szyslak: I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt. -------------------- Bart: George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess. -------------------- Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed. Bart: No he hasn't! He's more the same than ever! -------------------- Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that? Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe? Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart. Marge: You got that from a movie poster. Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope. -------------------- [A very young Ranier Wolfcastle in a TV commercial] Ranier Wolfcastle: My bratwurst has a first name. / It's F-R-I-T-Z / My bratwurst has a second name. / It's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-H-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N -------------------- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer? -------------------- Faith: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest. Homer: Oh I love your magazine! My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good. -------------------- Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won! [Lisa sighs.] Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music. [Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.] -------------------- [Answering the phone] Bart: Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em. -------------------- Social Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention. -------------------- Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand. -------------------- Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... THE KILLBOT FACTORY! -------------------- Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning. Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally. Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning. -------------------- [Writing a food review] Homer: The bread was... the bread was... Santa's Little Helper: Ruff! Homer: You've been pitching that one all night. Santa's Little Helper: Chewy? -------------------- Homer: Lisa, I've had it with you and your stories. "Bart's a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is. -------------------- Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside? Professor: Yes I would, Kent. -------------------- Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage! Send help! Over. Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit. -------------------- Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! -------------------- [Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing.] Marge Simpson: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win. Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God... -------------------- Lisa Simpson: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot! [Marge whispers something in his ear] I knew that. -------------------- Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children's children! ...For three months. -------------------- Homer: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue! Mayor 'Diamond' Joe Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse? -------------------- Mayor 'Diamond' Joe Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains. Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye! I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day! Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that! [Grabs the bell from him] Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer, and he shalt rock thy world! Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous! Seymour Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance! -------------------- Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! -------------------- Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations! Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy. -------------------- Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. [Looks out window] Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear. Marge: That's it: we have to get them back to school. Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! -------------------- Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone. -------------------- Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving! -------------------- Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing. -------------------- Bart: Man, I'm so bored! Milhouse Van Houten: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy! -------------------- Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair. -------------------- Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror! -------------------- Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner! Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children... -------------------- Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman! Why I never. -------------------- Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me. -------------------- Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first. Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. -------------------- [Marge's plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air backfires] Marge: I guess one person can make a difference but most of the time they probably shouldn't. -------------------- Kent Brockman: At 3pm Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at Town Hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to alive. -------------------- [Lisa wins an essay contest] Homer: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off! -------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / |
