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---------------------------------------- Kent Brockman: "What are you lookin' at?" - the innocent words of a drunken child. ---------------------------------------- [Upon receiving death threat letter written in blood] Homer: Oh my God. Someone's trying to kill me. Oh, wait, it's for Bart. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it? Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe. ---------------------------------------- Smithers: What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job? ---------------------------------------- [Moe is on a soap opera] Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life. ---------------------------------------- [Homer throws pudding at Lenny's face] Lenny: Ow, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it. ---------------------------------------- Smithers: Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year. Mr. Burns: $3? We're getting screwed. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you? Homer: [thinking] Don't panic. Just come up with a good story. [out loud] Homer: My name is Mr. Burns. [thinking] Homer: D'oh! ---------------------------------------- Homer: Oh well. At least we'll die doing what we love: inhaling molten rock. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Marge: What's that? Homer: A dinosaur. ---------------------------------------- Marge: I have nothing to say to you. Homer: But I was a political prisoner. Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram? ---------------------------------------- [Kent Brockman is covering a summer camp mutiny] Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've was at 'Nam, Korea and Kuwait, and I can say without fear of hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: I don't think he couldn't do it. Grampa Simpson: You'd be surprised at what people could do. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. Last year, I proved myself wrong. ---------------------------------------- [Homer has changed his to Max Power] Homer: Kids. From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way. Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way? Homer: Yes, but faster. [Homer walks into a cactus] ---------------------------------------- Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means? Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up. Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing? Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Lisa, if you want to tell this boy you're not interested, just tell him the truth. Homer: And if that doesn't work- six magic words: 'I'm not gay but I'll learn'. ---------------------------------------- [trying to get into George Bush's house] Homer: Hey, Bush. Get out here. Secret Service Agent: Excuse me sir, we're you going? Homer: I'm going to punch George Bush in the face. Secret Service Agent: OK, is he expecting you? ---------------------------------------- Principal Skinner: [over intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'? Homer: Yes. Crisitunity. ---------------------------------------- Woman: We're having a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend. Homer: How much is this free resort weekend? Man: It's free. Homer: And when *is* this weekend? Man: It's this weekend. Homer: Uh-huh, and how much does it cost? Man: Um, it's free. Homer: I see, and when is it? Man: It's this weekend. Homer: And what are you *charging* for this free weekend? ---------------------------------------- Moe: It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot. ---------------------------------------- [Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into heaven] Homer: There, did you see that? Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking. Homer: I thought you guys were always watching. Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus. ---------------------------------------- Bart: Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show? Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more. ---------------------------------------- [Homer has just been shot] Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for. Homer: After pie. ---------------------------------------- [Bart and Homer are about to race their horse] Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race. Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast. ---------------------------------------- [Homer has been told that he is staying in the VIP area] Homer: What does the I stand for? Tour Guide: Important. Homer: Ah. And the V? Tour Guide: Very. Homer: One more question... Tour Guide: Person. Homer: I see. What's the I stand for again? ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Dad, being a union leader is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man. Homer: And to make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. ---------------------------------------- [Homer's job interview with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant] Smithers: Now, let's say that there's something wrong with the reactor... Homer: There's a problem with the reactor? We're all gonna die! [Homer runs out, screaming] ---------------------------------------- Chief Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Lou: Uh, second word, chief. ---------------------------------------- [The writers of MAD Magazine are in conference] Writer: Why don't we call it "Everybody HATES Raymond"? [Everybody laughs] Chairman: Well, we had to stay here all night, but it was worth it. ---------------------------------------- [Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage] Marge: Well, Homer, doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?" Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?" ---------------------------------------- Govt Agent: [about Homer's mail] Most people write to movie stars, this guy writes to movies. [reads letter] Govt Agent: Dear Die Hard, you rock. Especially the part where that dude is on the rooftop. P.S. Do you know Mad Max? ---------------------------------------- Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people. ---------------------------------------- Kent Brockman: [Doing a live newscast] How can I prove that we're live? Penis. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers? Smithers: Absolutely, sir. Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you? Smithers: Boy, would I. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog, one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. Hmm, why here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm proud buttocks... reminds me of me. ---------------------------------------- [Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million] Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work. Chief Wiggum: Crybaby. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Homer, when I asked you if you bought that dummy to fake your death, you told me "no". ---------------------------------------- Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony. Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony. ---------------------------------------- Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. ---------------------------------------- News reporter: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending unqualified, under trained civilians into space? Homer: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell! ---------------------------------------- [Homer got Marge pregnant] Abe Simpson: Son, you've got to marry that girl. Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do? Abe Simpson: No. Because you'll never do any better. Heh, heh, heh. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar. ---------------------------------------- Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. ---------------------------------------- Dr. Wolff: Lisa, Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's "Obsession For Teeth." Marge: Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we need something a little more... affordable. Dr. Wolff: These pre-date stainless steel, so you can't get them wet. ---------------------------------------- Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye. Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches. ---------------------------------------- Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father. ---------------------------------------- Tony Blair: Hello, welcome to the United Kingdom Homer: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? Tony Blair: No. But thank you. Homer: Wow. I can't believe we just met Mr Bean. ---------------------------------------- Homer: How much can I get for this? [He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card] Comic Book Guy: Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I OWN. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy! Homer: Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine? ---------------------------------------- Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV? Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on. ---------------------------------------- Groundskeeper Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies, like the English and the Scots. Or the Welsh and the Scots. Or the Japanese and the Scots. Or the Scots and the other Scots. Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland! ---------------------------------------- [after Santa's Little Helper disappears] Homer: There's his leash, there's his water dish, and there's the spot where he took a whiz on the rug! [cries] Marge: Homer, get a-hold of yourself! Remember, Doggy Heaven! Homer: Oh, Marge! There's no such place! I made it all up! [Marge clears throat, Lisa and Bart look at him] Homer: Or to put it another way... there... is. ---------------------------------------- Homer: I just have two questions: "How much?" and "Give it to me". ---------------------------------------- Marge: Homer, there's a bird on your head. Homer: I know, Marge, he's grooming me. ---------------------------------------- Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum! [everybody in court house laughs] Chief Wiggum: Oh wait, I get it, he's all right. ---------------------------------------- [Marge has written a book based on her and Homer] Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book. Bart: He'll never read it. Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it? Bart: He'll never see it. Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV? Bart: We're doomed! ---------------------------------------- [after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop] Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting... Bart: That's just his shopping list. Milhouse: No, it's his instructions. ---------------------------------------- Bart: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet. Lisa Simpson: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab. Homer: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Homer, are you licking toads again? Homer: I'm not NOT licking toads. ---------------------------------------- Helen Lovejoy: [about Michelangelo's statue of David] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil! ---------------------------------------- Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife. Maude Flanders: Uh, I'm right here. Homer: Sarcastically Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package! [after a pause] Homer: Really, I mean that. Sorry if it SOUNDED sarcastic. ---------------------------------------- [Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam] Homer: [pointing to an American flag] Now, can you identify this object? Apu: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year. ---------------------------------------- Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt! Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam. ---------------------------------------- Marge: [reading the back of a super glue tube] "In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician." ---------------------------------------- Kwik-E-Mart President: Welcome, my friends. You may ask any three questions. Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Homer: Really? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Homer: Really? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Thank you, come again. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Hey, what's lucky hooked up to? Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him. Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. ---------------------------------------- Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learneding! ---------------------------------------- Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me. Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering. Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad. Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. ---------------------------------------- Homer: [deadly serious] I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife. ---------------------------------------- Moe: [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] How about a minute of silence for our dear friend, Homer. Barney: [after a short while] How long's it been? Moe: Seven seconds. Barney: Do we have to start over? Moe: Hell no. ---------------------------------------- Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society? Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos. ---------------------------------------- George Bush: You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names. Bart: Yeah, well, welcome to the 20th century, George. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Now Homer, don't you eat that pie. Homer: Okay, Marge. [Marge leaves] Homer: Alright, pie. I'm going to go like this, [makes chomping motion] Homer: and if you get eaten, it's your own fault. [Advances toward pie while chomping, hits head] Homer: Ow! Oh!... Ah, the hell with it. [Eats pie] ---------------------------------------- Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. Marge: You're looking at her through a father's eyes. Homer: Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would, but to me she's beautiful. Marge: That is so sweet. ---------------------------------------- Homer: [Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours. Grampa Simpson: Oh, this is gonna be sweet. ---------------------------------------- Bart: Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your cittizenship. Homer: Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported? Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier, Twilliger, Hutz, McLure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook? Marge: 70 dollars. Homer: Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet? Marge: No. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / |
