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Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 Edmund Blackadder: Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Contemptible. Worth a try. ---------------------------------------- Lord Percy: The fashion today is towards the tiny. Edmund Blackadder: In that case you have the most fashionable brain in London. ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: They do have one redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as hard to get your hands on. ---------------------------------------- Bishop of Bath and Wells: Never have I encountered such foul, mindless perversity. Have you considered a career in the church? ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I'm best. ---------------------------------------- Lord Melchett: Gray, I suspect, your Majesty. Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett. Lord Melchett: Gray is more usual, Ma'am. Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen? Lord Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants... ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd. ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand? Baldrick: Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water. ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: Which reminds me, Auntie... Lady Whiteadder: Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. Which is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table. Edmund Blackadder: Or indeed, any table. Lord Percy: Except perhaps a table in a brothel. ---------------------------------------- Lord Flasheart: Nursie. I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down, boy, down. ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have? Baldrick: Some beans. Edmund Blackadder: Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make? Baldrick: A very small casserole. Edmund Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there? Baldrick: Three. Edmund Blackadder: What? Baldrick: ...and that one. Edmund Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have? Baldrick: Oh. Some beans. Edmund Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it? ---------------------------------------- Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord? Edmund Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it. ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy... just go forth into the street. ---------------------------------------- Lord Flasheart: I've got a plan, and it's as hot as my pants. ---------------------------------------- Lord Flasheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils. ---------------------------------------- [Blackadder sees through Ludwig's disguise at a fancy dress party and stabs him] Queen Elizabeth: But how did you know it wasn't Nursie? Edmund Blackadder: It was simple. You see, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad insane old woman with an udder fixation. All I had to do was kill the one who actually looked like a cow. ---------------------------------------- [At the queen's costume party, Baldrick is crouched with two pencils up his nose] Queen Elizabeth: Well, what are you supposed to be? Baldrick: A pencil case. ---------------------------------------- Edmund Blackadder: [After seeing Percy's giant ruff] You look like a bird that's swallowed a plate. Lord Percy: Actually, I think it makes me look rather sexy. Edmund Blackadder: To another plate swallowing bird perhaps, if it was blind and hadn't had it in months. ---------------------------------------- [Melchett and Blackadder are prisoners of the Spanish Inquisition] Lord Melchett: Let's play a word game. Edmund Blackadder: OK, make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut. ---------------------------------------- [Blackadder shows Baldrick a potato] Blackadder: I mean, look at this. What is it? Baldrick: I'm suprised you've forgotten, my lord. Blackadder: I haven't forgotten; it's a rhetorical question. Baldrick: No, it's a potato. ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start. ---------------------------------------- Samuel Johnson: This book, sir, contains every word in our English language. Blackadder: Every single one, sir? Samuel Johnson: Every single one, sir. Blackadder: Oh. Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the doctor my most enthusiastic... contrafibularities. ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: Oh, I'm sorry sir. I'm inuspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctious to have caused you such pericumbobulations. ---------------------------------------- Prince George: Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey. Blackadder: Oh, an absurd suggestion sir, unless it was a particularly stupid donkey. ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head. ---------------------------------------- Pitt the Younger: I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you. Blackadder: And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the glint the milkman's eye? ---------------------------------------- Keanrick: Why, your very posture tells me, "Here is a man of true greatness." Blackadder: Either that or "Here are my genitals, please kick them." ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 |
