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---------------------------------------- Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him? Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer. ---------------------------------------- [Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition] Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude? Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me. Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what? Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Alright, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for. ---------------------------------------- [In response to a stupid comment] Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance. ---------------------------------------- Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived. ---------------------------------------- [After Monica gets a disastrous haircut] Ross: How's Monica? Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Ross: How's the hair? Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good. Joey: Can we see her? Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her. Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock. [To Rachel] Monica: Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda overweight... really overweight... I was his thin friend. Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend? Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't though about him in a long time. ---------------------------------------- [Will gives a cake to Monica] Will: It's no fat, no sugar, no dairy... It's no good, throw it out. ---------------------------------------- Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will. Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other. ---------------------------------------- Ross: So what are you up to? Will: I'm a commodities broker. Ross: Really? That sounds interesting? Will: Yeah, no it's not but I'm rich and thin. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins? Phoebe: Sure. Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams. [Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins] Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember? Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole." Joey: Okay. [He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave] Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair. Joey: THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE. Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. ---------------------------------------- Joanna: What are you doing? Chandler: I'm getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me ---------------------------------------- Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some? Ross: No thanks, I'm 29. ---------------------------------------- [Playing Football] Monica: Okay Phoebs, you know what you're doing right? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block. Phoebe: What's block? Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing. Phoebe: I thought you meant in life. ---------------------------------------- Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious? Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica: Absolutely. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey: [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex? ---------------------------------------- Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker? Ross: Well, I don't know. Phoebe just threw a Jack away because he didn't look happy. ---------------------------------------- Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged. Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story. Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to... Jack Geller: [ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened. Judy Geller: [incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy. ---------------------------------------- [Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair] Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it. Monica: How who wears it? Phoebe: Demi Moore Monica: Demi Moore is not a he. Phoebe: Well, he was HE in Arthur and in 10 Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE., I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. Phoebe: Oh, ohhh. Monica: OH MY GOD. Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY. Which one is Demi Moore? Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, and Ghost. Phoebe: OH. Oh she's got gorgeous hair. Monica: I KNOW! ---------------------------------------- Joey: Here it is buddy boy, you hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh My God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear. Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing anymore clothes? ---------------------------------------- Ross: I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel? Rachel: OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name. ---------------------------------------- Ross: Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and Chandler. What is the name on the magazine? Rachel: Oh it's Chandler Bing. Him. Right there. Monica: No. Ross: Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler Bong" Chandler: Ms. Chanandler Bong. ---------------------------------------- Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review? Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas. Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct. ---------------------------------------- Reporter: I like that. What's your name? [pointing tape recorder at Pheobe] Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate. ---------------------------------------- [After observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross] Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two? ---------------------------------------- Monica: Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time. Chandler: I'm not macho. Monica: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games. Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room? Chandler: No. Ross: Then you are neither of your parents. ---------------------------------------- Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us. Monica: Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play. Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you. Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him? Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: [To Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute. Joey: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple. Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man. ---------------------------------------- [Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross] Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home? [Ross enters with his gift for Mona] Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here. Ross: [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day. [Mona stares angrily at Ross] Ross: Or, something to remember me by... ---------------------------------------- [Monica knocks] Chandler: You can't come in. Monica: Why not? Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked. Ross: What? Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked. Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked? ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything. Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna DO? Joey: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it, ducks or clowns. Candler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby? Joey: You got a better idea? Chandler: All right, call it in the air. Joey: Heads. Chandler: Heads it is. Joey: Yess! Whoo! Chandler: We have to assign heads to something! Joey: Right, okay, okay, uhhh, ducks is heads, because ducks... have heads. Chandler: What kinda' scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out. Phoebe: Oh, No Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Hey Phoebe, guess what I'm thinking? Phoebe: Oh, okay. How it's been so long since you've had sex and wondering if they've changed it? Monica: No, only now that's what I'm thinking. ---------------------------------------- Eddie: [Chandler just asked him to move out] This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it? Chandler: No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet? Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out. Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running. Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on? Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996. Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there. Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen. Rachel: Huh? Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirl pool that fills the apartment. ---------------------------------------- Joey: I can pass for 19, right? Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19. Joey: Really? Chandler: Yes. Joey: Seriously. Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31. Joey: [gasps] I'm 30. Rachel: Joey, you are not; you're 31. Joey: Aw, crap. ---------------------------------------- Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over. Joey: Way to be strong, man. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means. Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code? ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Guess what, GUESS WHAT? Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident? ---------------------------------------- Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare. Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT." ---------------------------------------- Emily: Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Ross: [on the phone] I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Want some jam? Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: No, I definitely don't like the name Ross. Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down. Phoebe: Well it's just that something like this would never happen to, like, The Hulk. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. Ross: Then I'll use the gentle cycle. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone. Monica: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry. Rachel: For once, could you not just remember every little thing? ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys. Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long. ---------------------------------------- [Monica looks fat in an old home movie] Monica: The camera adds ten pounds. Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you? ---------------------------------------- Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves? Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then- [breaks down laughing] Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that. ---------------------------------------- [Monica's reunion with an old high school friend] Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents? Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want. ---------------------------------------- Monica: So Chip, what do you do? Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work. Monica: You mean you still work at the movie theater? Chip: Yeah. I can get you free posters for your room. Monica: No thanks, I'm set. ---------------------------------------- Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please leave. Chandler: Do you have to be *Carol*'s lesbian life-partner or can you be anyone's? ---------------------------------------- [Doing a crossword puzzle] Ross: Heating device. Phoebe: Radiator. Ross: Five letters. Phoebe: Rdatr. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / |
