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---------------------------------------- Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey: Everyday use... Chandler: Fancy... Joey: Guest... Chandler: Fancy Guest... Ross: Two seconds. Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven? Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: [dancing and singing] She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back. Monica: Don't you still have to pee? Chandler: That's why I'm dancing. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Whoa. Where you going in those pants? 1982? ---------------------------------------- Joey: She thinks she's the greatest actress since... since... sliced bread. Chandler: Ah yes, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth. --------------------------------------- [In response to one of Joey's stupid comments] Chandler: How do you not fall down more often? ---------------------------------------- Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say? Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us." ---------------------------------------- Rachel: I've never asked a guy out before. Phoebe: You've never asked a guy out? Rachel: No. Have you? Phoebe: Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it? ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... Did I say that out loud? ---------------------------------------- Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing. Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit? ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Gum would be perfection. ---------------------------------------- [Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship] Monica: Can't we tell your parents first? Richard Burke: They're both dead. Monica: Oh, you are *so* lucky. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were HOMO sapiens, is that why they�re exctinct? Ross: Joey, they are people. Joey: Hey, I'm not judging. ---------------------------------------- Ross: I think my marriage might be kind of over. Phoebe: Oh my god, why? Ross: Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation. ---------------------------------------- [Ross and Joey's first meeting] Ross: [glum] My wife's a lesbian. Joey: Cool. Chandler: Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross. ---------------------------------------- [Rachel complaining about her father] Rachel: Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady". Chandler: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference. ---------------------------------------- Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? [pause] Chandler: Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre? ---------------------------------------- [Peering out the window] Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving. Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes." Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt. ---------------------------------------- [Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife] Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her. Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon. Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer. ---------------------------------------- [Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica] Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh? Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here. Chandler: I hope he did. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast? Jill Green: No. What? Rachel: Well... she died, Jill ---------------------------------------- [Reading Rachel's "romance novel."] Monica: "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it. ---------------------------------------- Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey: I'd probably kill myself. Monica: Excuse me? Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live. Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent. Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry. ---------------------------------------- Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys. Joey: Hey, yeah. Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string. Chandler: Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: So umm, how - how are we gonna mess with them? Phoebe: Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout! ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Men are here. Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. ---------------------------------------- Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig? Rachel: Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic. ---------------------------------------- Monica: I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross. Rachel: I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there. ---------------------------------------- [Trying to fix up Monica with a date] Joey: Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you. Monica: No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: From now on, I have no first name. Joey: So - you're just Bing? Chandler: I have no name. Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you? Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint. Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint. Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe: Um... Gene. Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint. Joey: See ya later, Gene. Phoebe: Bye, Gene. Chandler: It's Clint. Clint. Joey: What's up with Gene? ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming. ---------------------------------------- Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her. Joey: Tongue? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Cool. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: See? Unisex. Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago. Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex. Joey: I wouldn't say no to that. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet? Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense... Chandler: MUCH sense? ---------------------------------------- Susan: There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover's Day. Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover's Day. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: I got her machine. Joey: Her answering machine? Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up. ---------------------------------------- Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into dinosaurs we were? [To Ross] Will: So what do you do now? ---------------------------------------- [Jill is wearing a sexy outfit] Jill Green: So, what do you think? Rachel: I-I don't like it. Jill Green: Really? Rachel: It's kinda slutty. Jill Green: It's yours. Rachel: Well, I'm a slut. Jill Green: Me too. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: [walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages. Chandler: And you thought of that in there? Monica: Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did. ---------------------------------------- [Referring to Janice] Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day? Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. Chandler: Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush. [Janice enters Central Perk] Janice: [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine. Chandler: Hello, Just Janice. ---------------------------------------- [Talking about her lesbian experience] Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing. Ross: Now that's two of my wives. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like. Joey: Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives". Chandler: Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Hey, you know, you could always visit him. Phoebe: Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport? ---------------------------------------- Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours. Rachel: [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word? ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right. ---------------------------------------- [In the alternate world episode] Monica: Wow. You're a really good kisser. Chandler: Well, I have kissed more than four women. ---------------------------------------- Joey: [mubling over a cell phone to Chandler] Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point. Rachel: A moo point? Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense? ---------------------------------------- Ross: Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now. Ben: Why? I want him to stay. Chandler: Because... if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long... the universe will... implode... ---------------------------------------- [Chandler walks in] Joey: You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan. ---------------------------------------- Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. ---------------------------------------- [Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop] Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. [Joey looks disturbed] Gunther: [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there. ---------------------------------------- [After a fight caused by Chandler watching a car chase on TV] Monica: Well why don't you blame the idiot who tried to drive from Albany to Canada on half a tank of gas? Chandler: DO NOT speak ill of the dead. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: How do I ask a guy out? Joey: Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing? Rachel: Ew! Joey: [Turns to Phoebe] How you doing? Phoebe: [Giggles] Just fine. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you. Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows. Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them? Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."? ---------------------------------------- Monica: I've got it, lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. [Silence] Monica: What? I'm not gonna put nipples on them. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Hey. Where's Joey? Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? ---------------------------------------- Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. [takes a glass from the fridge] Chandler: Taste it. Joey: [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat. Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: [entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. ---------------------------------------- [Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel] Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross: What? Chandler: [shyly] The sheep. Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time... ---------------------------------------- Joey: Where's my underwear? Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear? Chandler: He took my essence. Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. ---------------------------------------- [Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding] Monica: Why must your family be Scottish? Chandler: Why must your family be *Ross*? ---------------------------------------- [About Ugly Naked Guy] Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out. Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / |
