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---------------------------------------- [Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish] Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and thrash around? ---------------------------------------- [Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents] Phoebe: Oh, my god. Under the couch. [takes out bag] Rachel: We got one. It's a Macy's bag. [turns it over and an old shoe falls out] Phoebe: Yay. Who's it for? Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear suckers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you." Phoebe: Oh, no. I think she might be on to us. ---------------------------------------- [Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time] Ross's Date: Wow. They must both be very strong. Joey: Or equally weak. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: [about Ross] I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons. Monica: Why are so mad at him? Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay? Monica: Well, it just seems that... Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list by the way? Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like? Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: I had a baby. Amy: I decorated dad's office. Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography. Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in. Joey: Well, I think we all learned something. ---------------------------------------- [Singing] Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a [mumble] Phoebe: handlerrrrr. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment. Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States. ---------------------------------------- [Ross's cousin is very attractive] Cassie: The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that? Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that. Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles. [reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap] Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related. Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out? Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow. [softly] Ross: Just like our children would be... ---------------------------------------- [On living alone] Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think. ---------------------------------------- Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie. Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line. [winks at Joey] ---------------------------------------- [Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling] Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here. [Joey and Chandler laugh] Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple. Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry. Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you? Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again. ---------------------------------------- [Joey is starring in a World War I epic] Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses? Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks. Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I. Joey: Really? Great. ---------------------------------------- Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it? Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we". ---------------------------------------- Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe. ---------------------------------------- [Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards] Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut. Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture... Monica: Rachel, that was a library card. [Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card] Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. ---------------------------------------- Ross: [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller. Jack Geller: DR. Ross Geller. Ross: Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller... ---------------------------------------- Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment. Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert? Ross: I'm not a pervert. Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that. ---------------------------------------- Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather. Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you. ---------------------------------------- Joey: I am telling this to Rachel. Monica: No, Joey. Joey: Unless... Chandler: Unless what? Joey: Unless you name your first born after me. Chandler: What? Why? Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name. Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni. [pause] Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there. ---------------------------------------- Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight? Ross: Sure. Mona: Ok. Bye. Ross: Bye. Chandler: [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself. ---------------------------------------- Joey: [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right? Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep". Chandler: And then he did. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer. Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself. Phoebe: She was a drug dealer. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man. Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about? Ross: Hey, what's going on? Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me. Ross: What? Joey: No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years. Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And then, there was definite... cupping. Joey: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. [Chandler and Ross stare at him] Joey: What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. Chandler: Maureen Rosilla. Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason. ---------------------------------------- [Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part] Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General. Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major? Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ---------------------------------------- Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid. Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know. ---------------------------------------- Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch? Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know. Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that. ---------------------------------------- Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model. Interviewer: A Mento? Joey: Right. Interviewer: Like the candy? Joey: Matter of fact, I do. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange. Chandler: Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name. Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. [Pause] Chandler: I'll let myself out. ---------------------------------------- Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this? Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need it, so I balled it up... [notices Monica's angry glare] Chandler: And now I wish I was dead. ---------------------------------------- [Ross tries to pysche Chandler up to cancel his gym membership] Ross: Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs? Chandler: No. I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts! ---------------------------------------- [In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room] Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial. [There is a knock at the door] Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers. ---------------------------------------- [Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes] [Just been told the patients date of birth] Joey: Age...? Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth? Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician. ---------------------------------------- Tag: Phoebe? Wow... that's a great name. Phoebe: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number... ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick. Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"? Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs? ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath. ---------------------------------------- [hitting on a lesbian at Carol and Susan's wedding] Chandler: You know what, penis, shmenis we're all people. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. Monica: Ok, ten. Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else? Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws. Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the... Chandler: I'm begging you stop. ---------------------------------------- Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off of the penis and moved it to the bunny... That's a WEIRD sentence. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. Ok? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it. ---------------------------------------- [Telling Rachel how to be sexy] Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose". Chandler: "Flashdance". Joey: Where this plumber chick... Chandler: She was a welder Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie? ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: They're coming. Run! Joey: Where? Phoebe: Mexico! ---------------------------------------- Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you? Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me! ---------------------------------------- Joey: Of course it was a line! Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed." ---------------------------------------- Rachel: You gotta come with me! Phoebe: Come where? Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones! Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too. ---------------------------------------- Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go. Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that. ---------------------------------------- Ross: So, uh, how long are you going to punish him? Joey: Five years. Ross: You've sentenced him? Joey: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. ---------------------------------------- Ross: So why don't you quit? Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like have 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you. And then they bring out Maria. Ross: Who is Maria? Chandler: Ah, Maria. You can't say no to her. She's like this lycra/spandex covered gym... treat. ---------------------------------------- Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas. ---------------------------------------- [Phoebe has a taste of "Mockolate"] Phoebe: Eww! Eww! That must be what evil tastes like! ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / |
