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---------------------------------------- Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. [Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this] Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986? ---------------------------------------- Monica: [chasing after him] Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it. Chandler: [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. Joey: You could? Rachel: Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat. Phoebe: Your own boat? Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick. ---------------------------------------- [talking to Ross] Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: Hey, can we turn on the TV I think it's raining outside. ---------------------------------------- [Watching Joey's small role in a porno movie] Joey: Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am... ---------------------------------------- Monica: You broke a little girl's leg? Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler: [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. [to Ross] Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish? ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later? Chandler: I don't sound like that. Joey: Oh, yes you do. Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: [sees a little kid playing with a race car bed - to kid] Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' [Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook] Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. [looks all confused] Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers. Ross: All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won. Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried. Ross: Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm. Chandler: That was you. Ross: Whatever dude. You kissed a guy. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates. Chandler: I wish I'd known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese. Joey: Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food of yours. ---------------------------------------- [Ross' Halloween costume] Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas. [Everyone glares at him like he's crazy] Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik [Joey enters] Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit. ---------------------------------------- [Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work] Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time. Chandler: That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum. ---------------------------------------- Ross: So, does it do something special? Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. ---------------------------------------- Monica: [about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp. Chandler: That-that's bad? Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn. Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7. ---------------------------------------- [Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby] Ross: OK, how about Ruth? Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman? ---------------------------------------- Ross: I'm going to China Monica: China? Why? Ross: We have a bone, they want the bone so we have to take the bone over - it's a big bone thing. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?" Monica: Which one was that? Phoebe: You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza...". ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania. Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right? Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from. ---------------------------------------- [The Friends attend a lesbian wedding] Joey: All these women, and nothin'. Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding. ---------------------------------------- Rachel�s Mother: You thought I was Rachel? Chandler: Yes we did because you look so pretty. Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women. ---------------------------------------- [Phoebe has been hitting on Chandler] Monica: Oh my God. She knows about us. Chandler: Are you serious? Monica: Phoebe knows about us and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it. Chandler: OK. But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps... SHE KNOWS. ---------------------------------------- [After Chandler kisses Kathy] Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line. The line is a dot to you. ---------------------------------------- [filling out a form] Monica: Are you currently on any medication? Rachel: Um, oh wait yes. Blistex. Monica: Okay, no. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people. Monica: Maybe we're like some kind of magnets. Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch. Monica: There's more beer right? ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: I'm taking a Literature class at the New School. Chandler: That is so cool. Phoebe: Yeah, well I kinda liked that Lamaze class I took, but I was looking for something a little bit more intellectual, with a less painful final exam. ---------------------------------------- [About Ross being in love with Rachel] Phoebe: This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... alright what's bigger than huge? Joey: Uh, this? Phoebe: Yeah. ---------------------------------------- [Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape] Ross: You want to see it? Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see? Joey: Are we watching the tape or not? ---------------------------------------- [Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom] Joey: I'm hungry. Phoebe: We could eat the wax. It's organic. Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe: No, not the used wax. Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy. ---------------------------------------- Joey: You think I need a new walk? Chandler: What? Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk. Chandler: Are you actually saying these words? ---------------------------------------- [Rachel is upset about something] Phoebe: It's ok Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that's your name. Phoebe: Oh. I thought that was just something we called each other. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Hey Mon, I got a question for you. Monica: Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird. ---------------------------------------- [At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]] Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award. Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf. Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means. Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it. ---------------------------------------- Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents? Monica: No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay? Joey: Okay. Monica: Give me one more. Joey: Okay. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets. Joey: What secrets? Chandler: Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper. [The girls walk away] Joey: You'll tell me later? Chandler: You already know. ---------------------------------------- Nora Bing: Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy [softly] Nora Bing: and a fantastic lover. Chandler: Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so. ---------------------------------------- [Rachel doesn't take his advice] Joey: Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Chandler. You're smoking again? Chandler: Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still... ---------------------------------------- Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mum died? Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer. ---------------------------------------- [Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over] Monica: How ya doin'? Chandler: Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. Rachel: Okay, you win. ---------------------------------------- Ross: (about Rachel's date Russ) Plus, it takes the guy, what, I don't know, uh, like, a week, to get a sentence out? Chandler: Yeah, it's annoying, huh? ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed. Monica: Wow, you-you worked in a mine? Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why? ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women. ---------------------------------------- [to Emily's British father] Jack Geller: Don't start with me, Mister Would be speaking German if it wasn't for us. ---------------------------------------- [Chandler has just watched a woman giving birth on tape] Chandler: Before this, the most disturbing thing I ever saw was my dad doing tequila shots off the pool boy. Now, I'd gladly use that image as my screensaver. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really? Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall... [Monica stares] Chandler: ...in exchange for money. ---------------------------------------- Monica: You know Phoebe, a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Chandler: I thought a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die. ---------------------------------------- Parker: I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person. Phoebe: No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa Claus... on Prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything? Monica: I'll have a latte. Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf. Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little... Phoebe: You know I was just being polite. ---------------------------------------- [In Ross's apartment] Amy: Could I take this call upstairs? Ross: Sure... but we don't live there. Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor. Rachel: He has a Phd. Amy: Ewww... ---------------------------------------- [Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up] Chandler: Great show. Good work, Joey. Joey: You liked it? Chandler: Liked it? I loved it. Joey: What did you like best about it? Chandler: I liked... everything the whole show. Joey: What about the specifics? Chandler: Specifics? Specifics were the best part. Joey: What about the scene with the kangaroo? Chandler: I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic. Joey: You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks. Joey: Why? Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met. Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing. Chandler: I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in. Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines. Chandler: [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living. Joey: I know. ---------------------------------------- Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture. Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans. [winks at Ross] Ross: Why'd you wink at me? Joey: Don't look at me. You're the one who likes the picture so much. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont. Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault. Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money. ---------------------------------------- Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo. Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name. Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French. Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent. Rachel: Ok, you got a better one? Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin. Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard. Phoebe: By Sandrine. ---------------------------------------- Rachel: I think it's a great thing you're having for Frank and Alice. Phoebe: Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one. Rachel: Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news... ---------------------------------------- [Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck] Chandler: Could we BE more white trash? ---------------------------------------- [in Richard's apartment] Chandler: Oh, my god. Look at this tape. It says 'Monica'. Joey: So? Chandler: Think about it. Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it... [Joey looks thoughtful] Chandler: Get there faster. [Joey thinks for a few seconds] Joey: Ohhhh. ---------------------------------------- Chandler: Wow. What a kitchen. [looks further inside] Chandler: Slash, bathroom. ---------------------------------------- Eddie: Ok. You want me to move out? Fine. I just want to hear you say it. Chandler: Fine. Eddie I would like you to move out. Eddie: No, that's no good. I want you to say it with your mouth. ---------------------------------------- Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING. Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / |
