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Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange? Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children. Fran: Look, if you don't believe me, you can come 'round tonight and we'll watch the wall. Manny: Don't be ridiculous. We'll be staying in watching the thermometer, won't we, Bernard? Eh? Will we? Bernard: I don't know, it's an impossible choice. Walls, thermometers... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin, it somehow EXPLODES and kills me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away? Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Is space hot? Bernard: Of course it is, where do you think we get pineapples from? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Security Man: This is a really good security system. You know the CIA? Bernard: Yeah. Security Man: Well, they don't use this stuff. They've probably got something a lot better. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: I've never said it before because I'm too nice, but your son has the cold, dead eyes of a killer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: You can find work and sort your life out anytime. The pub closes in five hours. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: You said he had a funny smell. Bernard: He did. He did. He had a living beetroot smell. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: It's all rubbish! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste. Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating? Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit. Manny: It's a coaster! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: He's a midget. A tiny midget. Manny: What if he overheard? Bernard: He won't. His ears are too small. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard? Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake. I bought some popcorn and a drink and now I have no money left. Cashier: That's how much it costs. Bernard: What is it, magic popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Fran and I are going out for drinks. We've bought some absinthe, it's the drink that makes you want to kill yourself instantly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beranrd: You've got yourself a case, you should get a lawyer. Manny: Expensive though. Maybe get someone to pretend to be a lawyer. Bernard: Yeah, get someone who's a bit like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked, a real bastard. [Manny and Fran stare at Bernard] Bernard: No, I'm not doing it. Fran: Oh, go on! And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference! I'll lie, I'll say you were... okay. Bernard: Alright, deal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Will you stay with me? Bernard: No, I'm a boyfriend now. I have duties. Lots of sighing, holding hands, not finishing sentences properly... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Where's my cure? Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover. Bernard: It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to block out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: I want the weekend off. I want a life. Bernard: This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it! Manny: We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl... Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [to Fran] You! What have you been telling Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance. I have to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff... she's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: I've got a date. Ben - divorcee, very good-looking. Nice arse. Which is a first for me. Bernard: Never had a nice one? Fran: No, never. And I know they exist because I've seen them on the telly. You had one? Bernard: Well, there was this one woman, Janine. I don't know if it was "nice", but it was... huge! With an enormous sense of value. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [attempting to fill in his tax return form] Bernard: "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do. [writing on the form] Bernard: 'Ma. Possibly deceased'. |
