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---------------------------------------- Lieutenant George: Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do? Captain Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 250 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area. ---------------------------------------- Lord Flasheart: Ok chums, let's doooooo it. As the bishop said to the choirboys. ---------------------------------------- Captain Blackadder: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun. ---------------------------------------- Lord Flasheart: Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why. Lieutenant George: Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash? Lord Flasheart: Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on! ---------------------------------------- Lord Flasheart: Now I may be packing the kind of tackle that you normally expect to find swinging about between the hind legs of a Grand National winner. But I'm not totally stupid! ---------------------------------------- Lord Flasheart: Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting, doesn't mean that I'm not sick of this damn war. ---------------------------------------- Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing? Private Baldrick: I'm a Sopwith Camel, sir. Captain Blackadder: Ah, it is a Sopwith Camel. I always get confused between the sound of a Sopwith Camel, and the sound of a malodorous runt wasting everybody's time. ---------------------------------------- Lieutenant George: In school I was voted least likely to complete a coherent , um, uh... ---------------------------------------- Captain Blackadder: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants. ---------------------------------------- Captain Blackadder: So in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert? Captain Darling: I'm only doing my job, Blackadder. Captain Blackadder: Well, how lucky you are then that your job is also your hobby. ---------------------------------------- [After his interrogation] Captain Darling: You'll regret this Blackadder. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you. Captain Blackadder: Please, Darling. There are ladies present. ---------------------------------------- [On the new plan to win the war] General Melchett: There is, however, one small problem. Captain Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds? General Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshall Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men attached. So he's looking for a way to cheer them up. Captain Blackadder: Well his resignation and suicide might be a good way. General Melchett: Interesting thought. Make a note, Darling. ---------------------------------------- Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs? Captain Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start?" Private Baldrick: Yeah. ---------------------------------------- [Baldrick enters the witness box at Blackadder's trial] Captain Blackadder: [whispering] Baldrick! Deny everything! Captain Darling: You are Private Baldrick? Private Baldrick: No. Captain Darling: Are you not Captain Blackadder's batman? Private Baldrick: No. [Blackadder beats his head against the desk] ---------------------------------------- General Melchett: Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose. Captain Blackadder: [protesting] Sir, your moustache is lovely... ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: And here is a front page of Macbeth, signed by William Shakespeare himself! Elizabeth, Darling, George: Who? Melchett: Oh, come on, you know this... he's the fellow who invented the ball-point pen! ---------------------------------------- Baldrick: You know how when you're drowning, and your life flashes in front of your eyes? Well, what I was thinking is that you could dunk your head in a bucket of water and if you held it down till just before you died, you could see how the levers were and get us home! Blackadder: Excellent plan, Baldrick, with perhaps one slight modification... [Punches Baldrick and shoves his head in a bucket of water] Baldrick: I'm 18, I've just left Nursery School! I'm 25, I'm back in Nursery School! ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: [punches Shakespeare] That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years. Have you any idea how much suffering your going to cause? Hours spent at school desks trying to find ONE joke in "A Midsummer's Night Dream". Wearing stupid tights in school plays saying things like, "What ho, my Lord," and, "Oh, look, here comes Othello talking total crap as usual." ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: You really are as thick as clotted cream, that's been left out by some clot, and now the clots are so clotted, you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter, aren't you, Baldrick? ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: May I present to you, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Sir Rodney Tricycle thought to himself, "I'm bored of walking. I think I'll invent something with three wheels and a bell, and name it after myself" ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 |
