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---------------------------------------- Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once. Blackadder: Really? Baldrick: Yeah, it was called Macbeth. Blackadder: And what did he play? Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes. Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece. Did he have a large part? Baldrick: Depends who's playing Macbeth. ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: Disease and deprivation stalk our land like... two giant stalking things. ---------------------------------------- [Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries] Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B. Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation? Baldrick: They certainly are. Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it? Baldrick: We do nothing... Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater. Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off. Blackadder: And then we... spring into action? ---------------------------------------- [Baldrick has accidentally burnt Dr. Johnson's dictionary] Blackadder: Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat. ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: We are going to Mrs. Miggins' Coffee Shop, we are going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of his dictionary, and YOU are going to steal it. Baldrick: Me? Blackadder: Yes, you. Baldrick: Why me? Blackadder: Because you burnt it, Baldrick. Baldrick: But then I will go to Hell forever for stealing. Blackadder: Believe me, Baldrick, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil. ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age. Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard. Blackadder: Quite. ---------------------------------------- [referring to Dr. Johnson's dictionary] Blackadder: Right, Baldrick. Where's the manuscript? Baldrick: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. The manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson. Baldrick: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. Dr. Johnson. Baldrick: So, you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Now for the last time, Baldrick, where is Dr. Johnson's manuscript? Baldrick: On the fire. Blackadder: On the *what*? Baldrick: The hot, orangy thing under the stony mantelpiece. ---------------------------------------- Vincent Hanna: Master William Pitt, the Even Younger, are you disappointed? Pitt the Even Younger: Yes I'm horrified. I smeared my opponents, bribed the press to be on my side, and threaten to torture electorate if we lost. I fail to see what a more decent politician would have done. ---------------------------------------- [Trying to find a bride for the Prince] Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 - they're out - 47 are under 10 - they're out - and 39 are mad. Baldrick: They sound ideal. Blackadder: They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse. ---------------------------------------- Blackadder: She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany and, as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition. ---------------------------------------- Pitt the Younger: Mr. Speaker, Members of the House, I shall be brief, as I have rather unfortunately become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams. ---------------------------------------- Pitt the Younger: I now call on the Leader of the Opposition to test me on my Latin vocab. ---------------------------------------- [Blackadder is about to leave for the West Indies] Baldrick: I still can't believe you're leaving me behind. Blackadder: Oh don't you worry. When we're established on our plantation in Barbados I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you Balders. From now on you will stand out in life as an individual. Baldrick: Will I? Blackadder: Yes. All the other slaves will be black. ---------------------------------------- King George III: Some people say I'm mad, and say the word "penguin" after each sentence. But I believe that we two can make Britain great, with you as the Prince Regent, and I as King Penguin. ---------------------------------------- Bob Parkhurst: I want to see how a war is fought, so badly. Captain Blackadder: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside. ---------------------------------------- [Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans] General Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder. Captain Blackadder: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans. General Melchett: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed? Captain Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir? General Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan. Captain Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan? General Melchett: Great Scott! Even you know it! ---------------------------------------- Lieutenant George: Smithy, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around have you, who might be German spies? Brigadier Smith: Nein. Lieutenant George: Nine! Well, the cap's got his work cut out, then. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 |
