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-------------------- Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story. -------------------- [Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone] Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it. Homer: D'oh! -------------------- [Watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor] Charles Montgomery Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Waylon Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock. -------------------- Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons! -------------------- Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live! -------------------- PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series - and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes. -------------------- Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS! Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they? -------------------- Carl: Throw away your self-pity and come get drunk with us. -------------------- Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. -------------------- Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all! -------------------- [Homer is a limo driver] Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks! You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me! Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks. -------------------- Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. -------------------- [Homer can't stop the monorail] Marge: I've brought somebody to help you. Homer: Is it Batman? Marge: It's a scientist. Homer: Batman's a scientist. Marge: It's NOT Batman. -------------------- [The school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how to spend it.] Lunch Lady Doris: The kitchen staff is complaining of rats in the kitchen. I'd like to hire a new staff. -------------------- [Bees have escaped from a bee farm] Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here. Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean. Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't. Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees. Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one. Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile! Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy? Beekeeper 2: ...Yes. -------------------- Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think! -------------------- Homer: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?! -------------------- Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill! -------------------- Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer?" -------------------- [Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe.] Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic. Marge: Well, duh. -------------------- Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. -------------------- Kent Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature *was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble. -------------------- [Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa.] Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a girl! Jimbo Jones: That is so gay! -------------------- Seymour Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice. -------------------- Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites? Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance. -------------------- Lenny: We made it! And it's all thanks to teamwork. Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork. -------------------- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a leason: kids never learn. -------------------- Mayor 'Diamond' Joe Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot? -------------------- [Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school] Homer: They're milking rats! RATS! Mayor 'Diamond' Joe Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats?! You promised me dog or higher! -------------------- [About to watch dinner theater] Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall. -------------------- Mark Hamill: [singing to the tune of "Luck Be A Lady"] Luke be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi tonight! Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda! -------------------- Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead? -------------------- Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. Lisa: What percentage is that? Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it? -------------------- Marge: You love Shake n' Bake! You used to put it in your coffee! -------------------- Lucy Lawless: I'll take you home. [Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.] Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly! Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. -------------------- Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup! -------------------- [Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse.] Dr. Julius Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death. Marge: But I thought broccoli was... Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste. -------------------- Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven. Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house... Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus. -------------------- Bart: We want the truth! Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! I deride your truth-handling abilities. -------------------- Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day. Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion! -------------------- Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow! -------------------- Troy McClure: [Reading a fan letter] "How does Matt Groening manage to crank out a brand new episode of The Simpsons each week?" Well, I'm glad you asked. That's why we sent someone over there to find out! [Matt Groening in his office, drinking whiskey. He notices the camera.] Matt Groening: Get outta my office! [Shoots the cameraman.] Troy McClure: Of course what he MEANT to say, according to his lawyers, was that he couldn't possibly do it alone! -------------------- Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute. -------------------- [Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital.] Abraham 'Grampa' Simpson: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it! Ha ha! -------------------- [Lisa has been caught looking out the window at Nelson during band practise.] Class: Lisa likes Nelson! Milhouse Van Houten: She does not! Class: Milhouse likes Lisa! Janey Powell: He does not! Class: Janie likes Milhouse! Uter: She does not! Class: Uder likes Milhouse! Professor Ludwig: Silence! NOBODY likes Milhouse! -------------------- Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man... Homer: Seven! Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question. Homer: OK, eight. Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means? Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means? -------------------- Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown! -------------------- [Homer is teaching a university course on marriage] Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow. Mrs. Edna Krabappel: We need names! Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!" -------------------- Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy! You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches! Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion? Bart: Is it a Bible story? Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo! Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches! Bart: How did a lion get riches? Homer: It was the olden days! Bart: Oh! -------------------- Monty' Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number. Actor Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department. Monty' Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good. -------------------- Seymour Skinner: I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it. -------------------- [Students draw pictures in Sunday School.] Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus didn't have wheels. -------------------- [Ned and Homer are driving in a snowstorm.] Ned Flanders: Homer, we just hit something! Homer: Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders! -------------------- Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. Marge: But we did win! Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty. -------------------- [Showing Simpsons "outtakes."] Troy McClure: If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold! -------------------- Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [The cape says "DRACULA."] Police are baffled. -------------------- Ranier Wolfcastle: The film is just me standing in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million. Jay Sherman: How do you sleep at night? Ranier Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money, with lots of beautiful ladies. -------------------- Jay Sherman: And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil! Homer: It was a Gummi Bear. -------------------- Monty' Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg! Waylon Smithers: He's unavaliable. Monty' Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! -------------------- [After getting school uniforms] Bart: These uniforms suck! Actor Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that? Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked! Actor Marge: Homer! Homer: Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me! -------------------- [Moe is describing a plan to Homer] Moe Szyslak: Okay Homer, this olive is you... Homer: Mmm... me... -------------------- [Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge.] Lisa Simpson: Gee, is it always this good? Actor Marge: Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse. -------------------- Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. Actor Marge: Is that bad? Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son." -------------------- Homer: Marge, can I go out and play? -------------------- Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable! Bart, Lisa: Cable?! Bart: All right! Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day! Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this? Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it. Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal? Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this. [Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable".] Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know... -------------------- Moe Szyslak: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe. -------------------- Lisa: Where's that music coming from? Marge: And all the liquor!? Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense. ---------------------------------------- Ralph Wiggum: I found a moonrock in my nose. ---------------------------------------- Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole". ---------------------------------------- Parole Board Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man. ---------------------------------------- Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant. Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin. ---------------------------------------- [Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese] Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese... [begins eating] Homer: ... sixty-four... sixty-three... [morning comes, Homer is still eating] Homer: Two... one... [Marge walks in] Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese? Homer: I think I'm blind. ---------------------------------------- Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Can't you do something for him? Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. Homer: What an age we live in. ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials. ---------------------------------------- Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero. David Crosby: Oh, you like my music? Barney: You're a musician? ---------------------------------------- State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge. ---------------------------------------- Janey: Well, that was a waste of time. Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time. Ms. Hoover: Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your pencils down and stare at the front of the room. ---------------------------------------- [Mr. Burns has put Homer's brain into a robot] Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is not something to be toyed with. Life is precious. Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet! ---------------------------------------- Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny. Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more. ---------------------------------------- Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing the saxophone for 30 years. I want you to have it. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: This isn't a saxophone. It's an umbrella. Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: So I've been playing the umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anyone ever tell me? Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Cause we all though it was funny. Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: That's not funny. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting? Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting? Lisa: This conversation is over. Homer: This conversation is *under*. Lisa: Goodbye. Homer: *bad*bye. ---------------------------------------- Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man. Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh... what was that last thing you said? ---------------------------------------- Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. ---------------------------------------- Comic Book Guy: Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now. ---------------------------------------- Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. ---------------------------------------- Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city. ---------------------------------------- Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other nature films as "Earwigs, Ew." and "Man Vs Nature... The Road To Victory". ---------------------------------------- Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other medical films as "Mommy, What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore". ---------------------------------------- Ralph Wiggum: My cat's breath smells like cat food ---------------------------------------- Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late. Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts. ---------------------------------------- Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You are certainly are popular now that you've become a Stonecutter. Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined. ---------------------------------------- Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star. ---------------------------------------- Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered? Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness. ---------------------------------------- Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze. ---------------------------------------- [Moe is taking a lie detector test, where it buzzes for false and dings for true] Cop: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns? Moe: No. [buzz] Moe: All right, I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding] Cop: Checks out. All right, sir. You're free to go. Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] Moe: A date. [buzz] Moe: Dinner with friends. [buzz] Moe: Dinner alone. [buzz] Moe: Watching TV alone. [buzz] Moe: All right. I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz] Moe: Sears catalog. [ding] Moe: Now will you unhook me already? I don't deserve this shabby treatment. [buzz] ---------------------------------------- Mr. Burns: OK, Mr. Spielbergo, I want you to do for me want Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo. Mr. Burns: Pish posh. Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We both made shells for the Germans, it's just that mine worked. ---------------------------------------- Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that." ---------------------------------------- Grampa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. Sincerely, Abe Simpson. PS: I am not a crackpot. ---------------------------------------- Homer: Marge, I wanna be a blackjack dealer. Marge: Homer, no. Homer: But it's my lifelong dream. Marge: Your lifelong dream was to appear on "The Gong Show", and you did it, in 1977. [Homer has a flashback to him and Barney playing an oversized harmonica] Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire. ---------------------------------------- Homer: I'm a bad father! Patty: You're also fat. Homer: I�m also fat! ---------------------------------------- Principal Skinner: That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya about the colored chalk, didn't I warn ya? That chalk was forged by Lucifer himself. ---------------------------------------- Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless. Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / |
