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---------------------------------------- Cordelia: Yeah, like this one time when I accidentally ran this girl over. It was the most traumatic moment in my life and she's all yelling about her broken leg. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Hey, you two play nice or Willow will make you two boneless chickens skinless too. Anya: Which means no protection spell for you. Andrew Wells: Yeah, and then what? You think after your little witch buddy kills us she's going to stop? You saw her, she's a truck driving magic mama. We've got seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everyone into Jawa burgers and not one of you bunch has the mediclorines to even stop her. Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex have you? ---------------------------------------- Giles: 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead.' Americans. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music. Buffy: I didn't hear that. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: How've ya been? Amy: Rat. You? Buffy: Dead. Amy: Oh. ---------------------------------------- [Buffy fires a crossbow at the Judge demon] The Judge: You're a fool. No weapon forged can kill me. Buffy: That was then... [pulls out a rocket launcher] Buffy: ... this is now. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Hey Ken, want to see my impersonation of Gandhi? [beats him to death with a club] Lily: Gandhi? Buffy: Yeah, he was really pissed-off. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Spike loves me. [Xander starts laughing] Buffy: I'm not joking. Xander: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true. ---------------------------------------- [Spike offers Buffy his flask] Buffy: Eww. Spike: It's not blood. It's bourbon. Buffy: Ewww. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: These vampires have been here for awhile. They've nested. Spike: So what are you saying? They're a couple of poofters? ---------------------------------------- Joyce Summers: Honey, did you lead him on in any way? Buffy: Uh... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base. ---------------------------------------- Spike: I had a leg cramp. Buffy was helping. Tara: A cramp in your pants? Spike: It's a thing. ---------------------------------------- Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them. Xander: Then why are you talking to me? Anya: I don't have a date for the prom. Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch? Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me? Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which. Anya: You know, this happens to be all your fault. Xander: My fault? Anya: You were unfaithful to Cordelia so I took on the guise of a twelfth-grader to tempt her with the Wish. When I lost my powers I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me. Xander: Be still my heart. Oh wait, it is. ---------------------------------------- Xander: You're in a band. That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? Oz: Not the way I play it. ---------------------------------------- Xander: You mean I'm the key guy? I'm the key guy. Ahh... pride... joy... Buffy: I think Angel should go with you. Xander: Wait a minute. I'm still the key guy though right? Buffy: Yes Xander. Xander: Very well. Angel may accompany me in a non-key-guy capacity. Angel: What fun. Xander: Excuse me. Key guy still talking here. ---------------------------------------- Anya: [practicing her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but NOT to obey you, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who you do you think you are, like a sea captain or something? ---------------------------------------- Devon: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies. Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords. Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Plans? We had plans? Riley Finn: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang." And then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: How bored were you last year? Rupert Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it. ---------------------------------------- Xander: I'm still spinning on this whole "fairy tales are real" thing. Oz: So what do we do? Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: [notices the large pile of books] Is this all research, or just some kind of stress test for the table? ---------------------------------------- Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me? Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kind of cartoony. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Xander must've broken the talisman. Dawn: How do you know there was a talisman? Buffy: There's always a talisman. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: That's the flora kua alaya. A native of Paraguay, if my botany serves. Willow: Is there anything you don't know everything about? Rupert Giles: Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me. ---------------------------------------- Dawn: I like music. I'm very into Britney Spears' early work, before she sold out. So mostly her finger painting and macaroni art. ---------------------------------------- Willow: [Imitating Anya] I'm Anya. I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services. ---------------------------------------- Anya: I know how you talk about me behind my back. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human, and strangely literal". Willow: OK, no, 'cos no one talks like that. ---------------------------------------- Anya: You know who else aren't American? French people. ---------------------------------------- Buffybot: I know Spike's evil, but you should see him naked. I mean, *really*. ---------------------------------------- Spike: Ben, Glory. He's a doctor, she's the Beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. It's like a bloody sitcom. ---------------------------------------- [following Spike who's tracking blood] Xander: Do you think we should have put a leash on him? Buffy: Yeah, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire. ---------------------------------------- Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't group with the "sorry". We prefer "Oh God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones." ---------------------------------------- Xander: From beneath you, it devours." It's not the friendliest jingle, is it? It's no "I like Ike" or "Milk: it does a body good. ---------------------------------------- Giles: If your identity as the slayer is revealed, it can put you and those around you in grave danger. Buffy: Ok, then I won't wear my button that says 'I'm the Slayer - Ask Me How.' ---------------------------------------- Giles: I was 10, when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. He was one, and his mother before him. I was to be next. Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure? Giles: No. I had very definite plans about my future. I was to be a fighter pilot. Or, a grocer. ---------------------------------------- [Spike asks Buffy to invite him into Giles house to get out of the sunlight] Spike: Please, invite me in. I'm parboiling out here. Buffy: No. Spike: Wait, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, the other night in your room, tell them what I did. Willow: You said you were going to kill me and Buffy. Spike: Yeah, bad. But get to the part where I couldn't bite you. Willow: [to Buffy] It's true. He had trouble... performing. ---------------------------------------- [Spike is chained to a bathtub] Spike: I'll bloody kill you. Buffy: What are you going to do, lick me to death? ---------------------------------------- Buffy: When you look back at this in the, oh, three seconds it takes to turn to dust, I think you'll find the big mistake was touching my stuff. ---------------------------------------- Drusilla: [giving Spike a puppy] I've named her Sunshine. Her owner died... without a fight. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman, and he isn't. Willow: This isn't about his physical presence, it's about his heart. Anya: His physical presence has a penis. Willow: I can work around it. ---------------------------------------- Willow: Well, I have skills. I can prove my love with magic. Anya: Yeah, right. What are you going to do? Use magic to make him into a girl? [Willow's face lights up] Anya: Damn... ---------------------------------------- Xander: Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? ---------------------------------------- Anya: I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing, except when she's evil. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Once you get back your soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor? Willow: No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there. ---------------------------------------- Jonathan Levinson: Wish I'd stayed in Mexico. Andrew Wells: I didn't like it there. Everyone spoke Mexicalan. Jonathan Levinson: You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big. ---------------------------------------- Spike: It's nothing I know. What, you think I'd come running over here yelling, "I've got a secret to tell, please beat it out of me?" ---------------------------------------- Willow: Nervous? Xander: No way. I'm full of that good ole kamikaze spirit. Giles: Xander, just because this is never going to work is no need to be negative. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Great plan, it's right up there with duck and cover. ---------------------------------------- Spike: Well, then everything is all right and we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work team. ---------------------------------------- Jonathan: Of course I'm scared. Last time we were here, 33.3 bar percent of us were flayed alive. ---------------------------------------- [singing] Dawn: Anchovies, anchovies, you're so delicious. I love you more, than all the other fishes. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Are you mad at me? Riley: No, no. Not at all. I'm planning your death, but in a happy way. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with you car? Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty. Buffy: Little two door tramp. ---------------------------------------- Dawn: Willow and Tara are witches, which is so much cooler than being a slayer. I told my mom once that I wish that they would teach me some of the stuff they do alone together. Then she got all quiet and made me go to my room. ---------------------------------------- [to the ghosts] Anya: Shut-up repressed crybabies. ---------------------------------------- Xander: You smell sin? Well let me tell you something lady, she who smelled it dealt it. ---------------------------------------- Xander: This totally adds to my 'old people are crazy' theorem. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Why would a vampire lie about who sired him. What's that, some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Here's your cup of coffee, brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid. Rupert Giles: Thank you. [Takes a sip] Rupert Giles: Horrible. [Takes another sip] Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea anyway? Rupert Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense. Xander: Okay. But you are destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here. ---------------------------------------- Dawn: [sarcastic] We're all safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with. Tara Maclay: It sounded convincing when I thought it up. ---------------------------------------- Spike: OK. Is it bigger than a breadbox? Harmony Kendall: No. Four left. Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox. Harmony Kendall: Heh heh. No, only three. Spike: Harmony... is it a sodding breadbox? Harmony Kendall: Yes. Oh, my God. Someone's blondy bear is a Twenty Questions genius. ---------------------------------------- Anya: Clearly our number is a retro-pastiche that's never going to be a break-away pop hit. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: Hi, Mr. Beech. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, it's for the yearbook ---------------------------------------- Anya: Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins, 20 years old, born on the 4th of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, Mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now. ---------------------------------------- [About her roomate] Buffy: Ugh. She's even affecting my work now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer. [Kicks and breaks the bench] Buffy: She's other... really... bad things. Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench which was lookin' shifty. ---------------------------------------- [Tara sees some guys checking her out] Tara Maclay: Oh my god. I'm cured. I want the boys. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: We have to talk. Buffy: I don't suppose this is about happy squirrels? Rupert Giles: Vampires. Buffy: That was my next guess. ---------------------------------------- Andrew Wells: I was about to be dead. You saved me. Buffy: For the time being. But if you don't tell us what we need to know, then I'm gonna offer you to The First on a platter and let him chop you into tiny pieces. Andrew Wells: The first what? Anya: The name of the evil thing that pretended to be Warren to get you to kill Jonathan. Andrew Wells: Oh, not very ominous sounding. Dawn: No, it is if you understand the context. Andrew Wells: No, an evil name should be like Lex or Voldemort, or... ---------------------------------------- Dawn: There's blood on this. Lots. Looks like The First made another sacrifice. Or a music video. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: Sorry to barge in. We have a slight apocalypse. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: We need more muscle. That's why we need to find Spike. Anya: Yeah, he'll help. You know, if he's not crazy or off killing people or dead. Or, you know, all of the above. ---------------------------------------- [Watching TV] Spike: Pacey, you blind idiot, can't you see she doesn't love you? ---------------------------------------- Jenny Calendar: [as the First] I'm not a demon, little girl. I'm something you can't conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin, beyond death... I am the thing darkness fears. You will never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate... Buffy: All right. I get it, you're evil. ---------------------------------------- Xander: And we thought just because we didn't have any money or any place to go, that this would be a lackluster evening. Willow: I know. We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own teabags and ask for hot water. Xander: Hop off the outlaw train Will, before you land us all in jail. ---------------------------------------- Spike: Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis, like when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it. Doris Kroger: I'm sorry, did you say... Buffy: Crib. Crib. He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang. ---------------------------------------- [Social worker finds suspicious bag] Buffy: You know, I know what that looks like, but I-I swear it's not what it looks like. It's magic weed. It's not mine. ---------------------------------------- The Baljox's Eye: The eye sees not the future, only the truth of the now and before. Anya: Yes, we've all got that, it's called memory. ---------------------------------------- Willow: Last time I tried using magic, The First, it turned it around on me. Got inside. I felt it just surging through me, every fiber of my being. Pure, undiluted evil. I could taste it. Kennedy: How's evil taste? Willow: A little chalky. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: I do well on standardized tests. [pause from everyone] Cordelia: What? I can't have layers? ---------------------------------------- Willow: So you feeling better about Angel? Buffy: Well we talked, then, then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me and then we talked some more. Willow: See? That's how it should work. ---------------------------------------- Andrew Wells: What's going on? Anya: Dawn's gonna be a Slayer. Andrew Wells: Holy crap. Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny... Xander: Say "Skywalker" and I'll smack ya. ---------------------------------------- Xander: I think the student exchange program is cool. It's a beautiful melding of two cultures. Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program? Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count? ---------------------------------------- Willow: Maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke. Xander: For 21 hours? Willow: It's addictive, you know. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Oh yeah, fall for the old "Let me translate that ancient seal for you" come-on. Do you know how many times I've used that? ---------------------------------------- [Dead body liquefies] Willow: Well, there's something you don't see everyday. Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy until I'm 30. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find? Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? ---------------------------------------- Xander: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing. Anya: Come share in the joy of our groove thang. Willow: And despite that, I succumb to the beat. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: You can't do anything with the information you have, except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's home journal... ---------------------------------------- Anya: How 'bout you, ever play Shiver Me Timbers? Tara Maclay: I'm not really much for the timber. ---------------------------------------- Principal Snyder: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms. Xander: Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh? Oz: But they go with everything. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / |
