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---------------------------------------- Willow: 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends of all. Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say. Xander: It's the kiss of death. ---------------------------------------- Principal Snyder: That Summers girl. I smell trouble. I smell expulsion and just the faintest whiff of jail. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too. Giles: Here, here. Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies. ---------------------------------------- [On Sunnydale coach station] Xander: What better way to welcome somebody to our country than the stench of urine? ---------------------------------------- Xander: We're in the Crime Club, which is kind of like the Chess Club. Only with Crime. And no Chess. ---------------------------------------- [reacting to Willow who's trying to convince her she isn't a cat] Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental *when*...? ---------------------------------------- [when told that vampires are known as the Lonely Ones] Xander: We usually call them "the nasty, pointy, bitey ones". ---------------------------------------- Giles: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise. ---------------------------------------- [waking from a nightmare] Willow: Don't warn the tadpoles. ---------------------------------------- Giles: I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming the text. ---------------------------------------- [Xander's boiling of his egg] Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression. Xander: I resent that... or, possibly, thank you. ---------------------------------------- [on children] Joyce Summers: They're such a... oh, I don't want to say burden, but... actually, I kind of *do* want to say burden. ---------------------------------------- Giles: Only a true creature of evil and survive his touch. Xander: So, what's the problem? We send Cordy to go fight this guy and we go for pizza. ---------------------------------------- Drusilla: We're going to destroy the world, wanna come? Angelus: No, I'm more interested in destroying the slayer. Spike: Well, she's in the world so that should work out. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: This is *great*. There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer's a basket case, I'd say we've hit bottom. Xander: I have a plan. Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place. ---------------------------------------- Giles: You should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance where I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong. ---------------------------------------- Xander: "Something weird is going on"? Isn't that our school motto? ---------------------------------------- Tara Maclay: Yeah, you learn her source, and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. [pause. everyone stares] Tara Maclay: Th-that was funny if you, um, studied Taglarin mythic rites... and are a complete dork. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this? Giles: Why wouldn't I be? Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before? ---------------------------------------- Harmony Kendall: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books 'n stuff. Spike: What, "Evil for Dummies?" ---------------------------------------- Buffy: This'll probably go faster if we split up. Lily: Okay. Can I come with you? Buffy: Okay, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing? ---------------------------------------- [Buffy and Spike are engaged after a spell goes wrong] Buffy: Spike and I are getting married. Xander: How? What? How? Giles: Three excellent questions. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Mr. Flutie... Principal Flutie: All the pupils here are free to call me Bob. Buffy: Bob... Principal Flutie: But they don't. ---------------------------------------- [Spike decides to attack a Gorah demon] Spike: Hey, Gorah. Heads up. [The demon rises revealing itself to have three heads] Spike: Right... heads it is. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Get with the program Giles. I'm a teen, I'm not yet mature. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Note to self: religion = freaky. ---------------------------------------- Willow: Oh yeah, a research party. Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: What am I, mass transportation? Xander: . That's what most of the guys say, but that's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind. ---------------------------------------- Willow: There's a Slayer handbook? Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook? Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool... ---------------------------------------- Xander: Angel's our friend, except I don't like him. ---------------------------------------- Spike: Rebecca of Sunnyhell Farm and her mates will die. ---------------------------------------- Oz: That's okay, I don't do thanks. I turn all red and have to bail. It's not a pretty sight. ---------------------------------------- Oz: Want some animal crackers? Willow: No thanks. Oz: You know the monkey is the only cookie animal that gets clothes... .I wonder if the hippo is like, 'Hey, were are my clothes?' and the monkey is like, 'I mock you with my monkey pants.' . . .All monkeys are French, you didn't know that? ---------------------------------------- Xander: Willow, you're the best human ever. I adore you. This may be the cookies talking, but you're the best. ---------------------------------------- Willow: My head. . .it feels big. Is it big? Oz: No, it's head size. ---------------------------------------- Spike: What, your Mom doesn't know? Joyce Summers: Know what? Buffy: That I'm. . .I'm. . .in a band... withum um, Spike here. Spike: Yeah, she plays the. . .triangle. Buffy: The drums. Spike: She's hell on the old skins you know. ---------------------------------------- Joyce Summers: Have we met? Spike: Yeah, we have. You hit me with an axe once. Remember "get the hell away from my daughter"? ---------------------------------------- Xander: Calvary's here. Calvary's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here. ---------------------------------------- Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head and make me see things I want. Xander: Then why would they make you see me? Giles: Oh, right. Let's go. ---------------------------------------- Anya: Sometimes in movies when people go crazy they slap them. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: And you're sure this isn't a fan boy thing? Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat. ---------------------------------------- [to Xander] Dracula: You are strange and off-putting. Go now. ---------------------------------------- Dracula: Do you know why you cannot resist? Buffy: 'Cause you're famous? ---------------------------------------- Anya: I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope. ---------------------------------------- Anya: She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely. Xander: Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl. ---------------------------------------- Anya: Don't you watch television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons. ---------------------------------------- Glory: Did anybody order an apocalypse? ---------------------------------------- Buffy: How was school today? Dawn: The usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair. Buffy: Just how I remember it. ---------------------------------------- Ben: Two steaming cups of chocolate goodness courtesy of whoever I swiped it from out of the cupboard. Couldn't find any marshmallows. I'll try to steal some for next time. Dawn: Don't like 'em anyway. Ben: What? Is that even possible? Dawn: Too squishy. When I was five, Buffy told me they were monkey brains... ---------------------------------------- Anya: Anybody else feel that? Willow: What? Anya: Cold draft of paralyzing fear? ---------------------------------------- Dawn: Um, guys, hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing. Anya: That's a myth. Dawn: Yeah. Anya: No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus. Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop. Tara Maclay: There's a Santa Claus? Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney, all true. Dawn: All true? Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disemboweled children. But otherwise... Willow: The reindeer part was nice. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: So, how does it start? Rupert Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it. And then I... uh... shake my gourd. Buffy: Oh, I know this ritual. The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around. ---------------------------------------- [Xander is split into two persons that can't exist without each other] Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he'll be dead. [Riley gives her a funny look] Buffy: You know what I mean... ---------------------------------------- Kralik: She's dead to me now. Mostly 'cause I killed and ate her. ---------------------------------------- Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Does everyone know about you? Buffy: She's a friend. Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher. Cordelia: Well does Wesley have to leave the country? I mean, you got fired and you still hang around like a big loser, why can't he? ---------------------------------------- Xander: Some of Buffy's friends played a funny joke. They took her stuff, and now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans. ---------------------------------------- [Buffy and Spike are going to get married] Buffy: Honey, we have to talk about invitations. Do you want to be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike", because either way it will look majorly weird. Spike: ...While "Buffy" just adds that touch of elegance. Buffy: What's wrong with "Buffy"? Giles: A valid question right now. ---------------------------------------- [After Xanders basement leaks] Spike: My soddin' chairs all... sodden. ---------------------------------------- [Spike takes a lackadaisical approach to saving Giles' life] Rupert Giles: You might have let me in on your plan while he throttled me. Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cup o' tea, cup o' tea, almost got shagged, cup o' tea. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Oh Look, demons. Don't see those everyday, unless you're us. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Who's a little fear demon? Come on. Who's a fear demon? Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon. Xander: Why? Can he hurt me? Giles: No, it's just tacky. ---------------------------------------- Spike: RANDY Giles? You might as well of named me Horny Giles. I knew there was a reason I hated you. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: See... [points to Dawn's necklace] Buffy: You're Dawn. Dawn: [looks down] "Or, 'umad.'" ---------------------------------------- Dawn: So, you don't have a name? Buffy: Of course I do. I just don't happen to know it. Dawn: I can give you a name. Buffy: That's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I think I'll name me... Joan. Dawn: Ugh. Buffy: What? Did you just 'ugh' my name? Dawn: No. I just - I mean... it's so 'blah.' Joan? Buffy: I like it. I feel like a Joan. ---------------------------------------- Giles: As proprietor of a magic shop, I propose we fight them. We can use you know, 'magic tricks' or whatever they're called. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Slay someone. A female someone. Who do these jerks think they are? Anya: They're bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: I had no idea that children en masse could be gracious. ---------------------------------------- Sunday: The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple. ---------------------------------------- Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore. ---------------------------------------- Harmony Kendall: Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool. Can we eat a doctor and get a stethoscope so I can hear my heart not beating? ---------------------------------------- Spike: I wish I was dead. Buffy: Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard... ---------------------------------------- Spike: Is everybody very stoned here? ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Last night was the most perverse, degrading experience of my life. Spike: [smiles fondly] Yeah. Me too. ---------------------------------------- [Standing before the gang as they prepare to leave to fight evil hell-goddess Glory] Buffy: Remember: The ritual starts, we all die; and I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn. [turns and leaves the room] Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it? Giles: [picking up remaining weapons] We few, we happy few... Spike: ...we band of buggered. ---------------------------------------- Faith: Isn't it weird how slaying always makes you hungry and horny? Buffy: Well, I do sometimes crave a nonfat yogurt afterwards. ---------------------------------------- Xander: [Imitating Cordelia] 'I love the way you talk, Wesley. I love the way you sing, Wesley. Can you say *jailbait*, Wesley?' Limey bastard. Buffy: He's gonna do the entire speech? Willow: Man, just ascend already. Buffy: Evil. ---------------------------------------- Spike: Don't be a stupid git. There is no... Giles: Spike if I want your opinion I'll... I'll never want your opinion. ---------------------------------------- [After Buffy is ordered by Giles to deal with a singing demon on her own] Spike: Forget it slayer, I got your back. Buffy: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang? Xander: Spike sing a "widdle" song? Anya: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit, or more of a book number? Xander: Let it go sweetie. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: We knocked 'em dead. Xander: Which they already were. Willow: We knocked 'em deader. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Hey, I happen to be... Spike: A glorified bricklayer? Xander: I'm also a swell bowler. Anya: Has his own shoes. Spike: The gods themselves do tremble. ---------------------------------------- Giles: And you're certain she was a robot? Buffy: Absolutely. Tara Maclay: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass. ---------------------------------------- Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we're married? Xander: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them. ---------------------------------------- [Anya practices her wedding vows] Anya: I, Anya, promise to cherish you... Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, I promise to have sex with you whenever... *I* want, and, uh... [walking down off the platform] Anya: uh, pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle... Tara Maclay: Uh, sex poodle? Anya: Yeah, why? Tara Maclay: Um, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: Y'know, one of these days, you're going to wake up in a coma. ---------------------------------------- Giles: [teenage Giles] So, lets find the demon, and, er, kick the crap out of it. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: I don't want any trouble, I want a life, a house and a tea cozy, I don't even know what one is, but I want one. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts. Anya: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty and I would have been looking for a gas can. Giles: Clearly emotions are running high, but as far as I can tell these people burnt up from the inside; spontaneously combusted. I've only seen the one. I was able to examine the body whilst the police were taking... witness arias. ---------------------------------------- Giles: I have to go save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel. Cordelia: Now, let's get this straight, the brain damage occurred before I hit you. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Spike's working for Adam? After all we've done for - nah, I can't even pretend to act surprised. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar? Giles: Yes... It was a gift. ---------------------------------------- Xander: I guess it's time for a little reconnaissance. Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff? Xander: That was the Renaissance. Buffy: Oh. I told you I've had a bad week. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: We have to find the nest, and fast, before Sunnydale turns into the Troublemeat Palace. [Everyone turns and looks at her] Buffy: I wish I'd said something else. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: If you're going to tell me something valuable, then I'm grateful. If not, I'll pull out your rib cage and wear it as a hat. Whistler: Hello to the imagery. ---------------------------------------- [Willow in the magic shop] Willow: I feel like a witch in a magic shop. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: [reading] Come to the Bronze before it opens or we'll make her our dinner. Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'm gonna pretend I didn't just say that. ---------------------------------------- Harmony Kendall: Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? He can't pick flowers. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Why can't we just once find a bunny-worshipping cult? Anya: God, thanks for those nightmares. ---------------------------------------- Xander: What are you doing? Buffy: Looking for more evil trio cameras, or actually, evil uno. Xander: Ah yes, the sinister yet addictive card game. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: There's only one thing left to do. Burn the house down and collect the insurance money. Plus, fire-pretty. ---------------------------------------- Anya: I know what you can do. Buffy: What? Anya: Start charging. Buffy: For what? Anya: For slaying. Dawn: Buffy can't charge innocent people for saving their lives. Anya: Sure she can. Spider-Man does. Dawn: No, he doesn't. Anya: Yes, he does. Dawn: No, he doesn't. Xander? Xander: Action is his reward. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / |
