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---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: Alright. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: She saw these scores and her head spun round and exploded. Rupert Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes? ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: This is the SATs, Buffy. Not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score can seriously harm your chances of getting into college. Buffy: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off. ---------------------------------------- Joyce Summers: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires. Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction. ---------------------------------------- Nurse: What are you doing? Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files. ---------------------------------------- Oz: It's Willow, she's nearby. Cordelia: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume. Oz: She's afraid. Cordelia: Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing. Oz: I really agree. ---------------------------------------- Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say, "Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner." ---------------------------------------- Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking. ---------------------------------------- Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h? Rupert Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander: A "bitca"? ---------------------------------------- Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years. Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way. ---------------------------------------- Xander: And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word. Amy: I didn't say blackmail. Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night? Cordelia: You sure don't. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. ---------------------------------------- Xander: How could you let her go? Rupert Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go. ---------------------------------------- Xander: I don't get this. The candy is supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff-never mind. ---------------------------------------- Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss. ---------------------------------------- Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party. ---------------------------------------- Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides "Doritos" and "chihuahua." ---------------------------------------- Xander: The band, yeah. They're great. They march. Willow: Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Well, 'cause you never know if a girl's gonna say yes or if she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me. Lone fashionable wolf. Xander: I like the maroon, has more dignity. Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: I told one lie... I had one drink... Rupert Giles: Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture. ---------------------------------------- Xander: It is a statistical impossibility for a sixteen year old girl to unplug a phone. ---------------------------------------- Xander: What's taking you so long? Spike: Give me a second I'm packing. [Spike starts loading things into a bag] Xander: Hey. That's my lamp, you can't steal my lamp. Spike: You're what, shocked and surprised? Do I have to remind you that I am Evil? ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: Might I have a word? Buffy: Have a sentence even. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else. Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" ---------------------------------------- Vampire: When I kill the Slayer, it will be the greatest event since the Crucifixion, and I should know. I was there. Spike: Oh, please. If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock. Vampire: I oughta rip your throat out. Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move. ---------------------------------------- [Buffy reads her mom's thoughts] Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had SEX with Giles? Joyce Summers: It was the candy, we were teenagers. Buffy: On the top of a police car? Joyce Summers: I'll be downstairs. Buffy: TWICE? ---------------------------------------- Harmony Kendall: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire? Spike: No. Harmony Kendall: Oh. Can I make him a vampire? Spike: No. Actually, yes. Go on. Do Mel and the kids too. ---------------------------------------- Xander: I don't get your crazy system. Rupert Giles: It's called the alphabet. Xander: Would ya look at that. ---------------------------------------- Spike: The Ring of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie. ---------------------------------------- Jenny Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library don't you? Buffy: We're literary. Xander: To read makes our speaking English good. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Giles lived for school. He's still bitter there were only twelve grades. Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier." Xander: Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid? Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part - he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at. Willow: So he's nice? Buffy: Very, very. Willow: And there's sparkage? Buffy: Yeah. He's... have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have. ---------------------------------------- Willow: I don't like it. The thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me. Xander: Not looks like, "is you." Buffy: It was you, Willow, in every detail. Except for you not being a dominatrix... as far as we know. Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night. Please. Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place? ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away. Rupert Giles: Oh, please. Spike: Giles, make her stop. Rupert Giles: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh. Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her. Xander: That's sweet. ---------------------------------------- [As the group ponders how to stop Glory] Anya: Okay, but I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a God, let's think outside the box. Spike: Why don't you go think outside the bleeding box. Giles: Yes, Anya. Apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm have you anything else to contribute... Anya: The daggon sphere. Giles: Sorry? Anya: When Buffy first met Glory she found that magical glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Oh. [motioning to a large hammer] Anya: And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You want to fight a god, use the weapon of a god. Spike: Nah, that thing's too heavy to... [Buffy easily picks up the hammer] Spike: Yeah, good. Buffy: I like this. Thanks. Anya: Here to help. Wanna live. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer. Slay-er. Chosen One. She-who-hangs-out-a-lot-in-cemeteries? You're kidding. Ask around. Look it up: "Slayer, comma, the." ---------------------------------------- Anya: Xander, you haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those processed food bricks. I don't know why. Xander: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money. Take Anya nice places, buy pretty things. Anya: That does make sense. ---------------------------------------- Xander: Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. [Deep breath] Xander: Now who's with me? [Willow and Tara hesitate] Spike: I am. [Everyone looks at Spike in surprise] Spike: I know I'm not the first choice for heroics... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But [pauses] Spike: Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [Frowns, shakes his head and walks away] Spike: I wonder if Danger Mouse is on. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: But this is why I think we should all keep a level head in this. Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class. Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing. ---------------------------------------- [Buffy thinks her new college roommate is a demon] Willow: Toenails? Buffy: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep. Willow: Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body. ---------------------------------------- Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms. Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends? Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on. Rupert Giles: Please don't. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days. Xander: What? Spike: What? Anya: What? Spike: I'm not stayin' with him. Rupert Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone. Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend? Rupert Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said. ---------------------------------------- Spike: We're out of Wheat-a-Bix. Rupert Giles: We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all. Again. Spike: Get some more. Rupert Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood. Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Gives it a little texture. Rupert Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself. Spike: Sissy. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts. Rupert Giles: It's... it's traditional among... erm... people. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking yet. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm supposed to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and one day, I'll turn around and realize, I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then if I want someone to eat m-er, to enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done. ---------------------------------------- Dawn: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink. Xander: No, no, that's not it at all, they just need time to, um, be tender. Relax. Anya: He's not very convincing is he? ---------------------------------------- Angel: Buffy, careful with this gift. Lots of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful. Buffy: Like, say, immortality? Angel: Exactly. I'm dying to get rid of that. Buffy: Funny. Angel: I'm a funny guy. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: Tonight sucks. And, and look at me. Look at, look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and, and, and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And, and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker. ---------------------------------------- Willow: So he *is* a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night. One being someone who's... not. ---------------------------------------- Anya: Crap. Look at this... Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage. Xander: That means you're winning. Anya: Really? Xander: Yes. Cash equals good. Anya: Ooooh. I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash? ---------------------------------------- Oz: We survived Buffy: It was a hell of a battle. Oz: Not the battle. High School. ---------------------------------------- Cordelia: What are you doing Friday night? Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Uh, I, uh, as always my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from, ah... Why? Cordelia: I have a paper to write for English and you're English, so I thought... What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective? I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over? Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched. ---------------------------------------- Spike: [sniffing Buffy's jumper] Draw your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. Riley Finn: What's a little bit of sweater sniffing between sworn enemies? ---------------------------------------- Xander: I still don't know why we had to come here to look up information on a killer snot monster. Rupert Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not say that. ---------------------------------------- [In response to being asked to fight a troll] Spike: I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much. ---------------------------------------- Buffy: When the apocalypse comes... beep me. ---------------------------------------- Riley Finn: When I'm around you Buffy I find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse. ---------------------------------------- Xander: All right, where is he? Where's the creep who turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch? Buffy: He's gone. Xander: Dammit. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm tired of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm through being everybody's butt-monkey. Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey. ---------------------------------------- [to Cordelia] Xander: I don't know what everybody's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker. ---------------------------------------- Darla: It's been a while. Angel: A lifetime. Darla: ...Or two, but who's counting? ---------------------------------------- [To Giles] Jenny Calendar: I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the twentieth century, with three whole years to spare. ---------------------------------------- Rupert Giles: I'll be back in the Middle Ages. Jenny Calendar: Did you ever leave? ---------------------------------------- [told to imagine her audience in their underwear] Cordelia: Euw. Even Mrs Franklin? Rupert Giles: Perhaps not. ---------------------------------------- [confronting his nightmare clown] Xander: Your balloon animals were *pathetic*. Anyone can make a giraffe. ---------------------------------------- Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / |
