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Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Maaarge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie!
Homer: Oh yeah...

Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
Lisa: Well, it's a country in Europe.
Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

"When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces,,...I just know they're about to jab me with something."

"Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose."

"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"

"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."

"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."

"I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!"

"If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now."

"If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."

"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button."

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?"

"Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."

"No! No no no no no no! Well, yes."

"Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will."

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Contents collected from the Internet and personal resources. For your entertainment and amusement only and is not meant to insult anyone.