FUNNY STORIES
Those Yanks
An American soldier boarded a crowded train in London. He was disgusted when he saw a little poodle occupying a seat next to a lumpy looking snooty older woman. Ma'am may I sit here. I am so tired. I have to get off my feet. The woman rolled her eyes and curled her lips at the soldier. You Americans are rude and disgusting. She gave him the finger and continued to look out the window. Please Ma'am, he asked again. The woman rolled her eyes again. Piss off Yank, she said loudly. The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
I've Got A Secret!
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
School Haze
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up"
said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman
rose to his feet.
"Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to
see you standing up there all by yourself."
Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Johnny: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark."
Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"
Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Boy: "Because of a sign down the road."
Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?"
Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"
Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."
How To Get To Sesamee Street
“Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street”. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed "Special Ross". After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him "Leonard Cheeks". Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they picked and scratched.
What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: "Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!"
An Elephants Tale
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
Barbie Doll
A man walks into a toy store and ask to buy a doll for his daughter.
The salesman says the Barbie Doll is very popular with young girls. "Here
we have Fashion Barbie she cost $5.99. Here we have Beach Barbie and
she cost $5.99. This one is Secretary Barbie and she cost $5.99. And
this one is Divorced Barbie. She's $599.00."
The man was astounded. "Why does Divorced Barbie cost so much?"
The Sales man replied, "because she comes with divorce papers, Ken's house,
Ken's car, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog.
The Bus Driver
A kid gets on a city bus and sits across from the bus driver. He yells
frantically at the driver. "If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow
I would be a little bull." The driver is getting upset at the noisy
kid and grumbles.
The kid continutes..."if my dad was a boy elephant
and my mom was a girl elephant, I would be a little elephant." The kid
continues talking very loudly and runs through several more types of
animals.
The bus driver has had it with the noisy kid. He asked, "what if your
dad was an idiot and your mother a fat cow?"
The boy replies then I would
be a bus driver.
Mile High Virgin
A woman is a passenger on a plane that is about to crash.
"Please help me..I'm still a virgin. Please somebody make
me feel like a woman before the plane crashes."
A man in the seat behind her quickly strips off his clothes
jumps over the seat and hands them to her. "Iron my pants
and shirt...no starch."
Fly Swatter
A woman walks into the kitchen where her husband is busily swatting
flies. "Any luck? she asked.
"Yeah, he replies. "I killed two males and two females."
Intriged she wonders how he could tell the sex of the flies.
"How did you know which were male and which were female?"
"Easy," he replied. "The two males were on my beer can and the
two females were on the telephone."
Lost
A business man is lost out in the middle of nowhere. He runs across
a redneck kicking a can down a deserted road.
He ask the stranger, "whats the quickest way to get back on the road North."
The stranger stops and scratches his head. "Are you walking or driving,
he ask the business man."
"Driving," replies the business man.
"Well, I guess that's the quickest way," replies the redneck.
Another Blonde Joke
Two blondes are driving to DisneyLand. They arrive at a fork in the
road. The sign says Disneyland left. So they turn around and head
back home.
Breast Stroke
A blonde enters a swimming contest. The contestants are told by the
judge they would be using the breast stroke for the first round. the
blonde comes in dead last and complains to the judge: "That wasn't
fair they were all using their arms!"
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Disclaimer
Contents collected from the Internet and personal resources. For your entertainment and amusement only and is not meant to insult anyone.
