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Homer: I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

Homer: Our kids keep getting smarter. If we have another kid, he could invent a time machine to go back in time and prevent us from having kids.

Homer: I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are driving me nuts.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Homer: If I don't see it, it's not illegal!

Homer: If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny...

Homer: Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Homer: What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

Homer: [reading Internet for Dummies: Remedial Edition] Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Homer: Oh. What am I gonna call my Internet company? All the good names are taken. Oh, wait. I've got it. Flancrest Enterprises. [checks name availability] D'oh!

Homer: I can't go to prison! They pee in a cup and throw it at you, I saw it in a movie.

Homer: [watches Santa's Little Helper eating dog food] Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't?

Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start now.

Homer: Well, Bart, what did you learn in karate class today?
Bart: Well, um... today we learned how to rip out a man's heart and show it to him before he died.
Homer: Heh heh heh, that'll learn him!

Homer: I'm just saying , why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Marge: Maybe it's the Champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy.
Homer: Really? It must be the champale talking.

Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Homer: Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.

Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

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(Lisa shows him an ugly drawing of her someone did) Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you would look if you were a cartoon character.

Outta my way, jerkass!

Pffft. Who needs English? I'm never going to England.

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Facts. You can use them to prove anything.

It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."

Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy....I think I'll need a bigger drill.

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

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