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                You may be thinking, "Dang, is there anything in this world this young girl has not been through?" Well, the answer is, "No, there's not much." I have had my share and I am not afraid to admit it. I am grateful for it all because it has made me stronger. Yes, I have lost several loved ones in my life and it took me almost 10 years to know how to cope with the feelings I had. This page is dedicated to my family and friends that have moved on to a peaceful world. 

Grandpa-- AC Gibbons-- 5-28-1984

Grandpa-- Harold Dryden-- 11-05-1990

Mother-- Nancy Gibbons--  10-13-1992

Friend-- Daniel Johnson--   8-5-1995

Foster Dad-- Mike Hunter-- 1998

Grandma-- LaDean Gibbons-- 5-1-2000

Uncle-- Stan Gibbons-- 5-15-2004

Grandma-- Juanita Dryden-- 11-18-2004

Uncle-- TED BARRON-- 4-2-2005

2nd Momma-- Wanda Barron-- 7-18-2005

Uncle-- TIMMY DRYDEN-- 12-23-2005

FATHER -- TERRY LYNN DRYDEN --- 06-17-2006

My mother, Nancy Gibbons, died in 1992 when I was 9 years old. She was an addict/alcoholic and developed cirrhosis of the liver. She left this world at age 37. I was placed in foster care around five years old so I had a sense of loss at that time. I spent four to five years trying to get home but when my mother died I knew that my dreams were shattered. After 11 more years I finally picked up the pieces and developed new skills. I still love and miss her dearly and I will never forget what a great person she was.

    The feelings that occur when a loved one dies can be intense, perhaps overwhelming. Some people follow the time frame of mourning and recovering precisely, while others may get stuck in different stages and bounce back and forth spiraling into what we know as depression. If the right coping skills are not known then the stages and depression may become crippling emotionally and physically. The mourning process depends on the person; one may feel certain things and be able to continue living a healthy functioning life while another may be held back for years or the rest of their life.

     In most cases during the first few weeks the intensity is pretty high, but as the initial shock and denial starts wearing off reality of what happened sinks in those feelings become more intense. In some cases it may differ but we are looking at the honest truth of most people. Typically, these feelings begin to decrease after four to six months and we are able to think a little more clearly, laugh a little more, feel a bit more relaxed, have a nice day at work, and get back on our normal routines. This usually lasts up until the one year mark. Yep, you got it right.... the anniversary of the loss. All those feelings we thought had disappeared were still stored inside and now they come back to the surface more extreme then when it actually happened. 

    Birthdays and Holidays tend to stir up emotions with some intensity also. Songs, movies, smells, foods, and a thousand other things can bring back memories. During any of these events we still have the choice of how to handle it. Are you going smile and remember them or are you going to keep yourself in those potholes of unwanted feelings? Come on, you know you don't really like sitting around, not going anywhere, and watching life pass you by!!! Since you are reading this I know that you are wanting help or you are wanting to help somebody else, either that or you're just wanting to see what I had to say over this topic. *Gigglez* SMILE! You can do it! It may seem difficult now but it does get easier. You will always remember them, but don't let it destroy what you do have left. It's all about your perception, outlook, and goals. 

    If you are able to understand the 5 Stages of Grief then you will be able to identify where it is that you are in the grieving process. Then you will be able to discover the tools and skills that you need personally to continue on and heal.

Here's something that I learned that helped me understand what I was going through: 

The Five Stages Of Dealing With Loss:

1.Denial

2.Anger

3.Bargaining

4.Depression/Despair

5.Acceptance

A loss experience involves the following five stages of emotional response:  (1) denial, (2) anger, (3)bargaining , (4) despair, (5) acceptance.

·         These five stages can occur in either the sequence presented or in any variety of sequence.

·         One stage can last a long time, uninterrupted.

·         The stages can recur during a loss experience.

·         These five stages can occur in either the sequence presented or in any variety.

·         The loss process can last from three months to three years or more.

·         These stages of grief are normal and are to be expected.

·         It is healthier to accept these stages and recognize them for what they are rather than to fight them off or to ignore them.

·         Working out each stage of the loss response promises a return to emotional health and adaptive functioning.

·         Getting outside support and help during the grieving process will assist in gaining understanding and insight.

Stage 1.            Denial

·         We deny that the loss has occurred.

·           We ignore the signs of the loss.

We begin to use:

·         Magical thinking. Believing this loss will magically go away

·         Excessive fantasy. Believing nothing is wrong; this loss is just imagined; when I wake up everything will be alright.

·         Regression. Believing that if we act childlike and want others to reassure us that nothing's wrong.

·         Withdrawal. Believing we can avoid facing the loss and avoid those people who confront us with the truth.

·         Rejection. Believing we can reject the truth and those who bring us the news of our loss to avoid facing the loss.

Stage 2.      Anger 

·         We become angry with God, ourselves, or with others over our loss.

·         We become outraged over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.

·         We pick out ``scapegoats'' on which to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies, spouse, friend, family, etc.

We begin to use:

·         Self-blaming. Believing we should blame ourselves for this loss.

·         Switching blame. Believing we should blame others for this loss.

·         Blaming the victim. Believing we should blame the victim for leaving us.

·         Aggressive anger. Believing we have a right to vent our blame and rage aggressively on the closest target.

·         Resentment. Believing our hurt and pain is justified to turn into resentment toward those involved in our loss event including the victim.

Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved; if it is held in and suppressed, it will become "Anger in" leading to depression that drains our emotional energy.  

Stage 3. 

·         We bargain or strike a deal with God, ourselves, or others to make the loss go away.

·         We promise to do anything to make this loss go away.

·         We agree to take extreme measures in order to make this loss disappear.

·         We lack confidence in our attempts to deal with the loss, looking elsewhere for answers.  

We begin to:

·         Shop around. Believing we look for the "right'' agent with the "cure'' for our loss.

·         Gamble. Believing we can take chances on "cures'' for our loss.

·         Take risks. Believing we can put ourselves in jeopardy financially, emotionally, and physically to get to an answer or "cure'' for our loss.

·         Sacrifice. Believing in our pursuit of a "cure'' to change the loss we can ignore our real needs.

Stage 4.    Depression/ Despair

·         We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain, and hurt of our loss; we are thrown into the depths of our emotional response.

·         We can begin to have uncontrollable spells of crying, sobbing, and weeping.

·         We can begin to go into spells of deep silence, negative thinking, and deep melancholy.  

We can begin to experience:

·         Guilt. Believing we are responsible for our loss.

·         Remorse. Believing we should feel sorry for our real or perceived "bad past,'' deeds for which this loss is some form of punishment.

·         Loss of hope. Believing that because the news of our loss becomes so overwhelming that we have no hope of being able to return to the calm and order our life held prior to the loss.

·         Loss of faith and trust. Believing that because of this loss we can no longer trust our belief in the goodness of God and mankind.

We need support to assist us in gaining the insight to regroup our lives. If we are not able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events such as mental illness, divorce/separation, suicide, inability to cope, detachment, poor bonding, or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss.  

Stage 5.      Acceptance

·         We begin to reach a level of awareness and understanding of the nature of our loss.  

We can now:

·         Describe the terms and conditions involved in our loss.

·         Fully describe the risks and limitations involved in the treatment or rehabilitation for the loss involved.

·         Cope with our loss.

·         Test the concepts and alternatives available to us in dealing with it.

·         Handle the information surrounding this loss in a healthier way.  

We begin to use:<

·         Rational thinking. Believing we're able to refuse our irrational beliefs or fantasy thinking in order to address our loss from a rational perspective.

·         Adaptive behavior. Believing we can begin to adjust our lives to incorporate the changes necessary after our loss.

·         Appropriate emotion. Believing we begin to express our emotional responses freely and are better able to verbalize the pain, hurt, and suffering we have experienced.

·         Patience and self-understanding. Believing we can recognize that it takes time to adjust and give ourselves time to "deal'' with it. We set a realistic time frame in which to learn to cope with our changed lives.

·         Self-confidence. Believing, as we begin to sort things out and recognize the stages of loss as natural and expected, that we gain the confidence needed for personal growth.

We can be growing in acceptance and still experience denial, bargaining, anger, and despair.

To come to full acceptance we need support to gain insight. It is often useful to gain such assistance from those who have experienced a similar loss. For example, groups of parents who have experienced the death of a child or people who've lost a parent.

Peer support from strangers is often the best way for a person to deal with the grieving process.

A Little More In Depth: 

Denial

What is denial?

· Being unwilling to face problems on either a conscious or subconscious level.

· Acting as if there are no problems to face.

· A defensive response; protection from pain, hurt, or suffering

· A mask to hide feelings or emotions behind.

· A way to avoid conflict, disagreements, or disapproval from others.

· A way to avoid facing the negative consequences of reality.

· A way of retaining our sanity when experiencing unbearable pain.

· A way to repress the truth, a way to continue to function "normally.''

· A pattern of life for individuals who are compulsively driven to "look good", "professional" or "strong"

· A way to avoid the risk of change as a result of problems or loss.  

How does denial look to others?