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Codependency Many professionals turn away from the word codependency and as it may be a popular diagnosis of the self by many people around the world, clinical psychologists tend to shun the idea. It goes against our natural caring ways. But, depending on your beliefs and the theories you may follow it could describe you. If you find yourself overdoing the caring ways and putting others ahead of yourself 100% of the time- this may be for you. As I have walked into the lives of many others I have heard the statements, "I am a codependent." "I am an enabler." "I love him too much to think about myself first." etc..... So, as my ways go - I do not talk people out of feeling or believing a certain way, I simply help them find their strengths and use them to help themselves. If you think you are codependent this page was written for you.
Codependency
was coined in the 1970's in the context of treating alcoholism. Alcoholics were observed
to share a somewhat consistent set of behaviors. As therapists treated families of
alcoholics, they observed that the family members also exhibited a fairly consistent
pattern of behavior. The alcoholic was dependent on alcohol; the family was also
negatively affected so the members were called co- dependent. Originally, the word co-dependent was applied only to the families of alcoholics. Later, the term was given to families of those who were dependent on any kind of drug. Today the word is used to describe anyone in a significant relationship with a person who exhibits any kind of dependency. Some of these dependencies include alcohol, drugs, sex, food, work, gambling, perfectionism, success, etc.
Those who are adversely affected by the dependent person's behavior, and who have an
unbalanced sense of responsibility to rescue, fix and/or help the dependent person, are
coined as being a co-dependent. The dependent person either consciously or unconsciously deprives the
co-dependent of needed love and attention. This provokes rescuing as a means of obtaining
that affirmation. For the purpose of our groups, co-dependency is defined as: An
unconscious compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their problems. Co-dependency
occurs when a person's God-given need for love and security have been blocked in a
relationship with a dysfunctional person, resulting in three primary characteristics: 1. A lack of objectivity (inability to see reality as it is), 2. a warped sense of responsibility 3. Being controlled and controlling others. The goal in
the codependence life is to avoid the pain of being unloved and to find ways to prove that
they are loveable. Codependency
is an issue in nearly all relationships to some degree or another. The inability to
function in a relationship without obsession. Unhealthy patterns of relationships are
really "codependent" patterns, and unhealthy relationships are really
"co-dependent" relationships. Codependency
is related to power, need fulfillment and emotions. Power in
relationships -"Whenever the other person's
behavior has more control over you than you do yourself, you are co-dependent." Need
fulfillment- "Whenever your needs and
expectations of others control you, you are co-dependent." Emotions
-"Whenever your hurt, disappointmentt, anger, fear, or insecurity control you more in
a relationship than happiness, you are co-dependent." Core Belief System of Codependents 1. "I have little or no value." 2. "Other persons and situations have all the value." 3. "I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values." 4. "I am to place myself to be used by others without protest." 5. "I must give myself away." 6. "If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish." 7. "I must repress all feelings."
Characteristics of Codependency A.
You'll often "tip toe" around the person B.
You'll oftentimes feel C.
You'll feel... D.
In a conflict... E.
You'll have difficulty speaking the "truth in
love:" F.
You'll spend a lot of time... G. You'll seem to set yourself up for failure no matter what you do. You'll feel "damned if you do and damned if you don't." H.
The person's disapproval will cause you to be... I.
There will be an inordinate grief due to... J.
You'll be afraid to act without the person's approval and
support...OR
Types
of Codependency Spousal
Codependency: Spousal
codependency occurs when a wife or husband becomes so invested in the behavior of the
spouse that happiness depends completely on the actions and attitude of the spouse. The
codependent spouse often becomes obsessed with what the husband or wife is not doing. The
lack of objectivity is a common phenomenon. The spouse of the addicted often becomes
bitter, overwhelmed and controlling as the result of living with his addiction, while not
understanding the devastating effects on themselves. Family of
Origin Codependency: It occurs
when children assume rigid roles, instead of successfully completing their developmental
stages. In adult life, this type of codependency often becomes Employer/Employee
Codependency: The expansion
of Employee Assistance Programs since the 1960's was a direct outgrowth of educating
corporate America about the toll addiction takes in the working world. Before they
understood addiction, supervisors of alcoholics tended to respond in two predictable
manners: 1. The
addiction would be fired from the job immediately, or 2. The
supervisor might develop the tendency to protect the addiction or addict from the
consequences of their behavior, believing the promises of the employee that they would
"do better" Both of these
approaches needed to be examined and changed. Currently, most personnel department workers
know that a worker who demonstrates symptoms of addiction needs intervention and referral
to a self-help group or for professional treatment. Supervisors often are trained to
recognize the symptoms of abuse of mind-altering chemicals. Absenteeism is a primary
indicator. Sibling
Codependency: While the
symptoms of sibling codependency are similar to those of spousal co- dependency, the
difference is that adult siblings often do not live together. Thus, the non-addicted
sibling often has the erroneous belief that he or she is really not "affected"
by the other sibling's addictive dysfunction. In reality, most siblings do develop some
codependent behavior (excessive concern and anger, believing they can talk the sibling out
of addiction.) They need help in dealing with this, even if the addictive behavior of the
brother or sister has had an onset as an adult. Parental
Codependency: Like spousal
and sibling codependency, parental codependency is characterized by excessive concern and
controlling behavior, denial that the problem is as severe as it is, anger (expressed or
unexpressed), etc. The uniqueness of parental co-dependency is that the rift between the
parent and the addicted child widens and can become permanent unless the parent becomes
educated about addiction and possible solutions. If there is an addictive behavior problem
in a child, the parents need to: 1. Learn about addiction, the symptoms, the solution, 2. Intervene ( either with a professional or alone ), 3. Seek professional treatment.
Friend
Codependency: Finally, we
may come into contact with a friend who has an addictive problem or other severe
dysfunction. Perhaps we "bond" with them, and they begin to use us as a source
of spiritual and caring help. Codependency can often develop in this type of situation,
especially in Christian settings. A well-meaning Christian may want to "help."
He may become obsessed and angry with this person's seeming inability to be responsible or
even tell the truth. Without a full knowledge of how to "detach with love,"
these relationships become incredibly stressful and begin to detract from the caretaker's
home life, job and other relationships. Adult
Child Codependency: Where you may still be controlled by your parents even though you are an adult with you own family. Because you have never processed your childhood, you are so wrapped up in their life that you can't live your own. You are afraid to make decisions without their approval. There is financial dependency on your parents.
Are
You a Codependent? The lack of
objectivity in a codependent's life is very strong. Often, it takes many different
perspectives to help a person understand the depth and the scope of codependency. In
conjunction with the six dominant characteristics we have already examined, let us look at
codependency from the perspective of this/her list of traits. 1. Typically, he/she comes from a dysfunctional home in which his/her emotional needs were not met. 2. Having received little real nurturing himself, he/she tries to fill this/her unmet need vicariously through others, events and/or substances. 3. Because he/she couldn't change his/her parents into the warm, loving caretakers he/she longed for, he/she responds deeply to the familiar emotionally unavailable person whom he/she can again try to change through his/her love. 4. Terrified of abandonment, he/she will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving. 5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the person with whom he/she is involved. 6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, he/she is willing to wait, hope and try harder to please. They see that the other person has the POTENTIAL to meet their needs, and they keep hoping and believing the other person will fulfill their unmet needs. 7. He/she is willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship for anything. 8. His/her self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside he/she does not believe he/she deserves to be happy. Rather, he/she believes he/she must earn the right to enjoy life. 9. Having experienced little security in childhood, he/she has a desperate need to control and exercise power over his/her partner and the relationships. He/she masks his/her efforts to control people and situations with "being helpful." 10. In a relationship, he/she is much more in touch with the dream of how it could be, than with the reality of the how the situation is presently. 11. He/she is addicted to people and emotional pain. 12. He/she may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones. 13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by becoming enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, he/she avoids focusing on his/her responsibility to him/herself. 14. He/she may have a tendency toward depression, which he/she tries to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship. He/she is not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in him. He/she finds such "nice" people boring.
Recovery
from Codependency Look over the recovery checklist that follows. This checklist
can help you determine your strengths and weaknesses in recovery & healing. It can
also be helpful in setting your recovery goals. 1. Maintaining appropriate daily routine. 2. Setting and achieving daily and long-term goals. 3. Personal care, taking care of your personal health and hygiene needs regularly. 4. Setting and sticking to limits/boundaries with children and others. 5. Constructive planning, that will make a positive difference. 6. Appropriate decision-making and problem-solving efforts. 7. Choosing behaviors. You controlling your behavior not it controlling you. 8. Well-rested. 9. Resentment-free. Get rid of your anger and bitterness. 10. Accepting. That means accepting what is happening, living in reality, not living in denial about circumstances, people, events, or feelings. 11. Not controlling other or being controlled by them. 12. Open to appropriate criticism and feedback. 13. Free of excessive criticism of self and others. 14. Attitude of gratitude vs. self-pity and deprivation. 15. Responsible financial decisions (not over or under-spending) 16. Appropriate nutrition (not over or under-eating). 17. Not escaping or avoiding through work or sex. 18. Self-responsibility (vs. scapegoating, justifying, entitlement and blaming). 19. Valuing wants and needs, knowing the difference. 20. Free of "victim" self-image. 21. Free of fear and anxiety. 22. Free of guilt and shame. 23. Free of worry and obsession. 24. Not feeling excessively responsible for others. 25. Feeling of dealing appropriately with feelings, including anger. 26. Trusting and valuing self. 27. Making appropriate decisions about trusting others. 28. Attending and maintaining recovery routing (attending support groups, etc.) 29. Mind clear and peaceful; logical thinking; free of confusion and chaos 30. Maintaining contact with friends. 31. Appropriate disclosing, not telling everyone everything about you and your life! 32. Reasonable expectations of self and others. 33. Needing people versus NEEDING them. 34. Feeling secure with self; self-affirming. 35. Communicating clearly, directly, and honestly with others. 36. Balanced mood. 37. Getting -- and allowing self to believe -- positive feedback. 38. Feeling connected and close to people versus lonely and isolated. 39. Healthy perspective; life looks worth living. 40. Not using alcohol and medication to cope. 41. Having fun, relaxing during leisure activities, enjoying daily routine. 42. Giving appropriate positive feedback to self and others. 43. Able to graciously accept compliments from others without giving some kind of disclaimer to nullify their compliment.
From Beyond
Co-Dependence by Melody Beattle
Material on this page taken from "The Wounded Woman" a study by
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