Communication Skills
Laura Dryden
We all find ourselves falling into conflicts with loved ones, friends, roommates, coworkers, or other people we come into contact with. Sometimes we realize it and think, "What is causing this?" "Why am I constantly arguing with my wife/husband?" etc... Well, it usually always comes down to one thing....communication problems. Majority of us don't know how to communicate properly and we didn't sit down as children and learn it, we simply observed others and picked up on how to talk and listen. We learned ways to get things we wanted, to get our needs met, or to get our point across....but somehow many of us learned the noneffective way of doing it. Yes, it may work and we may benefit from it at times, but in the long run if we all could figure out what we are doing wrong and what we could do about it, it will save us from getting stressed out, into arguments, or wasting time.
Here are some things that may help you understand what's going on and how to change it. Don't worry.......It does take some time and practice to get in the habit of naturally stopping and being assertive and communicating at a better level.
What is Listening? Selecting, attending to, creating meaning from, remembering, and responding to verbal and nonverbal messages.
*Selecting: Sorting through various sounds that compete for your attention
*Attending: Focusing on a particular sound or message
*Understanding: Assigning meaning to sounds
*Remembering: Recalling information
*Responding: Confirming your understanding of a message
Listening Styles: Preferred way of making sense out of spoken messages
What is your listening style?
People Oriented Listeners: Listener who is comfortable with and skilled at listening to people's feelings and emotions. They enjoy listening to others' stories and problems and spend a lot of time doing so.
Action Oriented Listeners: Listener who prefers information that is well-organized, brief, and error-free. They do not like lengthy stories. They are the ones who constantly think, "Get to the point."
Content Oriented Listeners: Listener who is more comfortable listening to complex, detailed information. They prefer the facts, details, and evidence. These would make good lawyers and judges.
Time Oriented Listeners: Listener who likes messages delivered with as little words possible. These are busy people with so much to do and not enough time to sit and listen to a conversation. Think about the businessmen or salespeople who spend most of the time talking and when you do say something they cut you off and say, "Um huh, anyways, this product is top of the line....."
Listening Barriers
Some things keep us from hearing the other person at the fullest. Let's look at them and then see ways to get past them:
Being Self-Absorbed: Consciously become aware of the self-focus and shift attention
Unchecked Emotions: Use self-talk to manage emotions
Criticizing the Speaker: Focus on the message, not the messenger
Differing Speech Rate and Thought Rate: Use the time difference between speech rate and thought rate to mentally summarize the message.
Shifting Attention: Focus on the most important message vying for your attention.
Information Overload: Realize when you or your partner is tired or distracted and not ready to listen.
External Noise: Take charge of the listening environment by eliminating distractions.
Listener Apprehension: Concentrate on the message as you mentally summarize what you hear
Identifying your Emotional HOT BUTTONS: Some things that others say may have an impact on you listening and responding. They may create a strong reaction or emotions on your part positively or negatively. Write down all the phrases or situations that apply and write in other things that you want.
Starter: The following causes me me stop listening or upsets me:
____"YOU NEVER/YOU ALWAYS"
____Know it all--attitudes, "No, you are wrong, It is this way.."
____"Shut up!"
____Advice giving "What you should do is...."
____Profanity or obscene language
____Whining
____Baby talk
____Bad grammar "I aint gonna..."
____Ignoring what I say
____Being interrupted
____"You never listen"
____Smoking cigarettes while talking to me
____Bad body odors
____"Whatever"
Improving Listening, Comprehension, and Responding Skills:
stop: Tune out distracting noises/objects. Don't think of things you need to do later. Use self talk to remain focused.
look: Pay attention to nonverbal cues. Monitor your own to show your interest. Eye contact, no fidgeting or doing other things. LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES!
listen: Create meaning from your partner's verbal and nonverbal messages. Mentally summarize details, link these details to main ideas.
ask: Ask questions, ask for definitions and examples; clarify feeling and sequences of events. "What happened first?" "What do you mean by that?" "Could you give me an example?"
reflect: Briefly state what the speaker has said to ensure your understanding, summarize the main points.
PARAPHRASING: To make sure that you understand what they said you can paraphrase what you understood. "Are you saying...." "You seem to be describing..." "Do you mean..." "So the point you are making seems to be..." "So what seems to have happened is..." "What I hear you saying is.......is that correct?" Then summarize the events, details, or key points you think they are saying. This is used to check the understanding of what was said.
Improving Empathic Listening and Responding Skills
1. Understand their feelings: Ask yourself how you would feel if you had experienced a similar situation, or recall how you did feel under similar circumstances.
2. Try to summarize what you think your partner may be feeling when appropriate. "So you are feeling..." "You must be feeling..." "
Active listening: ask questions, ask about goal and visions of the future, look for some commonalities, tune in with all of your attention, respond with nods/sounds, paraphrase from time to time, maintain right amount of eye contact, let go of your own agenda.
Paraphrasing can be useful: before you take an important action, before you argue or criticize, when your partner is speaking unclearly, when you are talking to yourself, when your partner wants to understand your feeling and thoughts, when you encounter new ideas.
When reflecting and paraphrasing remember to use your own words, be concise, specific, brief, accurate, and don't go beyond the information communicated by the speaker.
3. Provide Confirming Responses: Acknowledge what others say to you, confirm others' judgments, offer supportive responses, seek to clarify others' messages, affirm others' positive feelings, and pay sincere compliments.
Direct Acknowledge: This is when you respond directly to something another person says to you, you are showing the person that they are worth responding to.
Agreement about judgments: This is when you confirm someone's evaluation of something, you are also affirming the persons sense of taste and judgment.
Supportive response: When you express reassurance and understanding , you are confirming a person's right to his/her feelings.
Clarifying Response: when you seek greater understanding of another person's message, you are confirming that he/she is worth your time and trouble. Clarifying responses also encourage the other person to talk in order to explore his/her feelings.
Expression of positive feelings: We feel confirmed or valued when someone else agrees with our expression of joy or excitement.
Compliments: When you tell people you like what they have done or said, what they are wearing, how they look, etc... You are confirming their sense of worth.
4. Avoid Disconfirming Responses: Provide some acknowledgment of others' attempts to communicate; do not interrupt; avoid irrelevant, tangential, impersonal, incoherent, or incongruous responses.
Impervious Response: When a person fails to acknowledge your statement or attempt to communicate, even though you know he/she heard you, you may feel a sense of awkwardness or embarrassment.
Interrupting Response: When people interrupt you, they are implying that what they have to say is more important than what you have to say. In effect, they could also be implying that they are more important than you are.
Irrelevant Response: This one has nothing to do with what was being said. Chances are your partner is not listening to you at all.
Tangential Response: This one acknowledges you, but that is only minimally related to what you are talking about. Again, it indicates that the other person isn't really tending to what you are saying.
Impersonal Response: This one intellectualizes and uses the third person distances the other person from you and has the effect of trivializing what you say.
Incoherent Response: When a speaker mumbles, rambles, or makes some unintelligible effort to respond, you may wonder if what you said was of any value or use to the listener.
Incongruous responses: This one is when a verbal message is inconsistent with nonverbal behavior, people usually believe the nonverbal message, but they usually feel confused as well. An incongruous response is like a malfunctioning traffic light with red and green lights flashing simultaneously, you're just not sure whether the speaker wants you to go or stay.
IMPROVING RESPONDING SKILLS cont...
Avoid jumping to conclusions:
Use well-timed responses: Immediate feedback is good at times, and just-in-time response is good at other times.
Use meaningful information: Select information that your partner can act on rather than vagueness
Avoid Unnecessary Details: Avoid information overload; Be brief
Be descriptive: Don't evaluate your listening partner; focus on behavior rather than on personality.
Communicate Effectively
Effective communication can help you express who you are and help you get along with other people. To communicate your needs effectively, learn the difference between assertive, passive, and aggressive. Practice being more assertive, rather than being passive and aggressive.
Assertiveness. This is a true expression of your wants and needs. It means standing up for your rights and needs in a manner that increases the chance of achieving your goals. An assertive response allows you to express your feelings build self respect, and feel good about yourself. The persons with whom you are being assertive will feel good about themselves, too.
Passiveness. This is an inability to stand up for your rights, thoughts, and feelings or communicating them in a weak, ineffective manner. When you are passive, you allow others persons' needs and beliefs to be more important than yours. As a result, your needs may not be met and you can end up feeling angry, resentful, and hurt.
Aggressiveness. This is a domineering or condescending expression towards another person. You express your wants and needs, but at the humiliation of someone else. This results in the other person feeling angry and resentful. It may also cause you to feel guilty later about comments you made.
EXAMPLEZ:
***Listed below are examples of assertive, passive, and aggressive responses to a situation in which your significant other plays his/her stereo loudly while you are trying to sleep.
Assertive response: "I need to have less noise in order to sleep. I would appreciate it if the stereo was turned off or you use headphones when I go to bed."
Passive response: Leaving the room and going to bed irritated, allowing the music to play. Not saying anything and as a result, not getting enough sleep.
Aggressive response: "You are a deaf and inconsiderate! How do you expect me to sleep while your stupid stereo is blasting?" Or get up in a huff and turn the stereo off.
To communicate in an assertive way:
Begin statements with "I" instead of "you." For example, "I need," "I want," or "I would like it if..." Don't begin statements with "YOU" or accusations, such as "You idiot," "You are," etc.
Make sure that your facial expressions and gestures are congruent. They need to convey the message that you are saying. Don't laugh when you are serious. Use your hands to highlight feelings, but don't make a fist, this displays aggression.
Use short sentences. Be specific and clear. Don't shout or speak too softly. Don't whine.
Use good eye contact to show self-confidence and interest. Don't stare at the other person; this comes across as a challenge.
Be relaxed, natural, and concerned. Avoid slouching, putting your hands in pockets, and looking away from the person you are talking to.
Ask for feedback from the other person to make sure he or she understood your need or opinion. At this point, be an active listener and allow the other person to express his or her need & opinion. Try to come to a conclusion of what can be done to meet both of your needs and make the situation better.
And........Compromise. If neither one of you wants to give in and change something then compromise on something in between. "If you don't want to turn it off or use head phones then could you turn the stereo down enough to where I can not hear it in the bedroom, so that I can go to sleep?" "Maybe I can shut the bedroom door so that I don't hear the music."
OBSERVER CHECKLIST:
NONVERBAL: ___direct eye contact ___open relaxed posture
____uncrossed arms & legs ____Appropriate hand gestures
____Reinforcing head nods ____Appropriate volume
____Responsive facial expression
VERBAL SKILLS: ____Not interrupting ____Timely paraphrasing
____Accurate paraphrase of content & emotion
____Effective & appropriate questions
HOMEWORK!!!!
Pay attention to yourself and acknowledge your problem areas. Take a week or so to keep track of your personal listening statistics, what changes would you like to make?
Today I........
Interrupted other people ____ times
Misunderstood other people____ times
Lost track of a conversation ____ times
Asked someone to repeat themselves ____ times
Stopped making eye contact with someone ____ times
Let my mind wander while listening to someone ____ times
Jumped to a conclusion about what someone was going to say ____ times
Changed the subject in the middle of a conversation ___ times
Reacted emotionally to what someone was saying before he/ she finished ___ times
www.bethanymurray.com/emotcomp.htm IQ tests
http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza/eliza.html A site where you can ask questions and "Eliza" will respond.
