by
Laura Dryden
Physical,
sexual, emotional, and neglect are all words we hear everyday. These four words
also happen to be different forms of abuse. They are all equally painful to
people of all ages. They all do damage on a persons life. There are more than
900,000 children being abused every year in the United States alone.
The abusers usually are unhappy, lonely, anxious, angry, depressed,
aggressive, or just plain sick and demented. Most abusers have low self-esteems,
lack impulse control, and have poor coping skills. A third of abusive parents
were abused themselves as children or young adults.
Abused children usually do poorly in school and have many behavioral
problems. They develop negative self-concepts and attachment problems. Some
children may distant themselves from everyone while others become clingy and
overly attached to everyone. They may become withdrawn or aggressive. They
usually are found playing by themselves and not talking and not interacting with
others or they may act out excessively and fight others around them. Some may
become overachievers, extremely compliant, obedient, and spend most of their
time trying to please people and gain positive attention. Others may choose to
be disobedient, destructive, and negative for gaining the negative attention is
better than no attention at all. Anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, nightmares,
inappropriate behaviors, sexually acting out, mental illnesses, and regressive
behaviors are more symptoms of abuse.
Many of these symptoms can carry on through adolescents and adulthood.
Abuse affects every area of a person’s life until they die. Adolescence is a
rough period of life and with the effects of abuse it makes it a more difficult
stage to go through. Many teenagers who have been abused may become depressed,
aggressive, withdrawn, self-injurers, drug users, homicidal, and suicidal. They
tend to get involved with illegal activities and self- degrading activities.
These include things such as drugs, alcohol, burglary, arson, etc. Some run away
to escape every problem that is thrown at them. Many teens may turn the other
way though, having strong fears of drugs, alcohol, jails, and sex. A lot of
confusion is still there. They have trouble making decisions and act on impulse
easily. A lot of the time the anger and hostility sinks in.
Emotional abuse is linked to lying, stealing, low self-esteem,
dependency, emotional problems, learning disorders, aggression, under/over
achievement, suicide, and homicide.
As I have always looked at it it’s
like when your mother or father tells you everyday that you are stupid and fat
then there is a high chance that you won’t try to learn as much as you could
and you will sit around and become fat. You become what they make you.
All kinds of abuse leaves a child with the feelings of rejection. Like
they are unwanted, unloved, or not good enough. This is what they will carry
with them all of their life. It may affect many areas of their life such as
jobs, relationships, friendships, social life, and several others.
Abuse seemed
normal to me. I thought that every other family was like mine. I didn’t know
it was abuse until I was four years old. That is when DHS stepped in and removed
my brother and I from our parents. My parent’s problem was drugs/alcohol. That
is what brought out the violence. Yeah, there were times when they were happy
but it didn’t last very long. My father was a Vietnam Veteran with Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder so he had many other problems to deal with. He grew up
in an idea perfect family. His parents were still married, owned several
businesses and bars, had a big nice home, and had four children. He was the
youngest. He participated in Cub Scouts and was actually quite popular. Around
his 17th birthday, his life changed. He went into the Army and off to
war. He came back a different man.
My mother
was a beautiful woman. She grew up with the idea perfect family also. My
grandparents owned a small bar in Cleveland so she too grew up in the middle of
the alcoholic world. My mom loved attention, she was very outgoing, outspoken,
adventurous, and big hearted. She put up with a lot more than most people. She
wasn’t scared of anything or anyone. She married young and had her first child
when she was twenty years old. She always was attracted to the “bad” guys.
No matter how many abusive relationships she had she would still move on to
another one just the same.
My mom and dad met at a bar she was working at in 1981. I’m sure
everything was perfect at first but then gradually got worse. I was born in 1983
and my brother Terry came along a year later. I always thought that we put a lot
of stress on them. When the hell started nothing could stop it. Extension cords,
belts, poles, boards, lamps, whatever was in reach were the object used. We
always had bruises, cuts, welts, and broken bones. A lot could piss dad off. She
stuck by him though, for as long as she could stand it.
I think too many times my brother and I got in the way. We got our share
of it for sure. I remember taking my brother and trying to hide in our closet or
under the bed, there was nowhere to hide. No escaping it.
When you grow up around abuse and watching your loved ones being abused
by another person you love you tend to get trapped in it all. It does affect
you. I was almost five when I went into foster care. I acted out a lot. I was
always fighting, lying, stealing, cussing, destroying stuff, crying, and hating
everyone. We didn’t stay in a home for very long. No one could handle us. So
my grandma took us in. I started school in Cleveland and that became a place to
express myself. I didn’t pay attention, couldn’t follow directions well, I
was always in trouble for one thing or another. Cussing, dirty jokes, fighting,
and destruction were my main problems. I tore down posters, books, and windows.
I often found myself in trouble for throwing bricks through teacher’s car
windows.
At home I had two or three different personalities. I was sweet and kind
when I wanted to be. On other days I was withdrawn or aggressive. I took a lot
of my anger, pain, resentments, hostility, and sadness out on my brother then
when my foster parents or grandma stepped in I would turn it all on them. People
always say, “All they need is a good spanking.” Well, when we lived with my
grandma I got my share of spankings and swatted with switches, but it never
helped. In my eyes it made everything worse. I put them in the same category of
my parents and grew the hatred towards them. I did not understand why we were
taken away from mom and dad. I did not understand what they meant by abuse.
As an abused child one is more at risk to getting involved in abusive
relationships. Abuse us a problem and most of the time it does not just end by
the abuser changing. That rarely happens.
EFFECTS ON CHILDREN:
Infants & Toddlers (1 day---2.5 year)
Developmental delay
Failure to thrive
Emotional Withdrawal/low frustration tolerance
Physical problems
Pre-schoolers (3-6 years)
Developmental delay
Emotional Withdrawal
low frustration tolerance
Act out aggressively towards peers and adults
Inability to play constructively
Inconsistent or inappropriate display of emotions
School age Child (7-11)
Behavior problems with peers and adults
Aggressive acting out becomes more severe and purposeful
Severe behavioral difficulties
Scholastically delayed/poor school performance
Fearful/nightmares/night terrors
Withdrawn/depressed/hopeless/despondent
Chronic physical complaints
Beginning to mimic adult roles
Chronic low self-esteem
Adolescence (12-17)
Depression
emotional neglect
signs of physical injuries
aggressions/delinquency/running away
poor school adjustment
proficient at mimicking adult roles
early sexual activity/marriage
death by suicide or murder
expansion of violence into the community
“They cry in the dark so you
can’t see their tears
They hide in the light so you can’t
see their fears
Forgive and forget all the while
Love and pain become one in the same
In the eyes of a wounded child
Because hell, hell is for children”
Pat
Benetar “Hell is for Children”
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Domestic Abuse
