FOSTER CARE
Over 500,000 children in the United States currently reside in some form of foster care. As a former foster child I have that first hand experience of being statistic.
I had many problems during my 13 years in foster care. From an early age I fought the system and blamed them for my pain. I continued fighting even as I turned 18 and they kicked me out. I had many feelings towards the whole thing, I experienced many losses as well as gains/rewards, I learned new things, I met new people, saw how the world viewed foster kids, been behind the steel doors of hospitals and group homes, felt the heartbreaks of changing homes every few months, but most of all I was able to see the real story behind parents (workers, counselors, and agencies) giving up on me, lack of understanding, and money hungry families. On the brighter side I was able to find a few people who had the patience, love, and understanding I had always dreamt of experiencing. I learned many lessons, beliefs, and values from both sides.
Children are placed in DHS custody for a variety of reasons. Most reasons for foster placement include parental problems (abuse/neglect, incarceration, alcohol/substance abuse, abandonment, endangerment, death); runaways, or severe behavioral problems in the child, illness (physical or emotional). Being removed from their home and placed in foster care is a difficult and stressful experience for any child. Many of these children have suffered some form of serious abuse or neglect and about 30% of children in foster care have severe emotional, behavioral, or developmental problems. Confusion, frustration, and fear are some feelings that overwhelm the minds of these children. Physical health problems are also common. Some children do show determination to go on with their lives if able to receive the right guiding hands. Children in foster care lack many needed supports and resources, we also tend to go unnoticed by others or on the other hand talked about and looked down upon. We, foster children, feel left out, unwanted, and abnormal compared to others around us.
Goals and treatment plans are developed for each child after being placed in states custody. After a few months of emergency and temporary foster care placement, goals are set for permanency planning. Options include: returning the child to birth parents or termination of parental rights, adoption, long-term care with foster parents or relatives. When parental rights have been terminated by the court, most states will try to place children with relatives, this is known as kinship foster care. If that fails they turn towards the options of adoption or long term foster placements.
Most states encourage efforts to provide the birth parents with support and needed services (e.g. mental health or drug/alcohol treatment, parent skills, training and assistance with child care and/or adequate housing) so their child can be returned to them. In some cases the parent(s) are unable to complete their treatment plan or requirements, sometimes they may allow their child(ren) to remain in foster care until they are ready to take care of them. In other cases, the parent(s) may sign over custody or a judge may terminate parental rights. Regardless, foster care may be a life changing event. Many foster children have a hard time during their stay in foster care. Children in foster care have special and complex needs which are best addressed by a coordinated team; usually includes the birth parents, foster parents, mental health professionals (including child and adolescent psychiatrists) and child welfare staff.
I am hoping to bring some help to the children/teens in secondary homes, friends/families of foster children, foster parents/adopting parents, and to those who work with foster kids/teens.
Children
in foster care often struggle with the following issues:
� blaming themselves and feeling guilty about removal from their birth parents
� wishing to return to birth parents even if they were abused by them
� feeling unwanted if awaiting placement/adoption for a long time
� feeling helpless about multiple changes in foster parents over time
� having mixed emotions about attaching to foster parents
� feeling insecure and uncertain about their future
� reluctantly acknowledging positive feelings for foster parents
Important
challenges for foster parents include:
� recognizing the limits of their emotional attachment to the child
� understanding mixed feelings from the child and toward
the child's birth parents
� recognizing their difficulties in letting the child return to birth parents
� dealing with the complex needs (emotional, physical, etc.) of children in
their care
� working with sponsoring social agencies
� finding needed support services in the community
� dealing with the child's emotions and behavior following visits with birth
parents.
The word "Foster" means to help someone grown and develop by taking care of their needs. Foster parents are parents, other than the biological family, that helps someone grow and develop. They welcome kids and teens into their homes and allow them to live with them for as long as needed. They provide shelter, food, clothes, guidance, and love. They help arrange appointments with medical professionals so that the child/teen is able to remain healthy and get the proper care in all areas. Foster parents provide protection to the child/teen from danger or harm. The time that a child/teen is in a foster home could be hours, days, or weeks up to months or years. It depends on the biological family/guardian.
A lot of changes may occur when being placed into foster care or having to move to a different foster home. Every family has different rules, sleeping arrangements, jobs, schools, values, religions, etc... So it is normal to feel a great amount of feelings at once before and during your foster placement.
Most foster children maintain a strong and natural bond with their natural parents and family regardless of the circumstances that occurred to or around them. The foster child�s primary goal is usually reunification with their natural family. Majority of children in foster care will be frightened, confused, defensive, angry and uncooperative. If the child is like I was, they will try every method to return home to their parents. At 5 years old, I thought that if I cussed, hit, bit, kicked, tore up everything, threatened, etc... then the foster parents would give me back to my parents. I tried this method for years! I also tried not talking or eating in hopes to go home. Then I broke down and complied with every rule they had, but nothing worked. I didn't understand that going home did not depend on my actions and behaviors. I still loved my parents and was willing to return to the abusive drug filled home just to be with mom and dad. The bond a child has with their birthparents needs to be understood and handled appropriately.
*Actions and Behaviors are signs of unmet needs/wants.*
The child will consider the new foster parents as the primary power that removed them from their home. The foster parent will be the main one the child lashes out towards. Many foster children was not taught to express their feelings appropriately, so any feelings that the foster child may have about the placement will most likely be acted out in some way or another, and 9 times out of 10, it will be directed towards the foster family. I blamed every foster family, my grandparents, DHS, counselors, etc.... for the entire 13 years that I was in custody. I still catch myself pointing fingers towards the foster care system at times. I didn't want to hear that my parents did wrong or hurt me. I wasn't grateful for the kind families or protection I received, I did not understand how it was helping me at the time, I just knew that I could not see my parents everyday.
Here are a few tips to consider when dealing with your new foster child:
1. Never make judgments about the natural parents. Especially in front of or to the child, this is a quick way to ruin the trust and will allow negative behaviors to increase. Resentment comes hand in hand in this case. It is best not to discuss the issues surrounding the child�s placement with the child at all unless the child brings the subject up. In responding to the child�s statements or questions about their removal from their natural home, if you cannot be supportive of the child�s natural family, at least remain neutral and be supportive. Do not discuss the circumstances or possible allegations against the natural parents with the child. Acknowledge the child�s feelings, and help the child make arrangements to speak with their social worker, case manager, or counselor concerning placement issues. Never take sides.
2. Never try to replace a child�s natural family, or put yourself in between a child and their natural family. Whenever possible and appropriate support and encourage as much contact between the child and their natural family as possible. Reassure the child that you are there to care for them, but have no intention of taking the place of their natural family. Remind the child that foster placement provides a time during which families can resolve problems and work towards building a stronger family.
3. Expect to meet with anger, frustration, resentment and fear. Remember that these are normal reactions to a very abnormal situation, and are not directed at you personally. Do not be offended by or try to repress these feelings. Help the foster child express these feelings appropriately and be very supportive of the child. Provide as much verbal reassurance as possible; you can�t overdo it. Be very cautious about physical reassurance such as hugging or touching until you are much more familiar with your foster child. Depending on the child�s background, such physical displays might be very uncomfortable, frightening and unwanted. Respect the child�s feelings, and their right to feel that way, while being firm in helping them to express them through positive channels. Do not allow the foster child to damage property or become physically or emotionally abusive to members of your family.
4. New foster parents often expect that they will automatically be treated with respect and that the foster child will respond immediately to their kindness, blending in easily with the new foster family. The reality is that the foster child will often blame the foster parent for their circumstances, and will try to take their anger and frustration out on the foster parent. There is often a period of �testing� as well, during which the foster child will exhibit their worst behavior in order to gauge the reactions of their new foster parents. Place more emphasis on giving respect than on demanding respect. Remember, you are the adult and must remain calm and in charge of your emotions and the situation while the foster child vents their feelings. Again, do not allow the child to be abusive or destructive, but be firm and gentle in responding to their actions. Most importantly, do not take their actions personally. Assure the child that you are there to care for them regardless of their behavior and be consistent in setting expectations of appropriate behavior for the foster child. Your best defenses in meeting the child�s offense are patience, understanding and firmness.
5. Don�t expect the child to rush up with expressions of gratitude at having been �saved�; they might not see the situation as an improvement for them. Give them time to get to know you, and time to understand what is happening to them. Television and movies are fond of portraying meetings between foster children and their prospective foster parents as full of warmth, love, and immediate trust and acceptance. Would you feel this way towards the people that had just abruptly torn you away from your family? Foster parents most often have optimism as their common characteristic, and that optimism is essential in making the foster family successful. Don�t let your optimism crumble if your first advances are met by a sullen and angry or frightened child. You will have to feel your way carefully with the foster child, but a good rule of thumb is to be extravagant with verbal support and terms of affection and endearment while letting the foster child decide when and if physical contact should be initiated.
Trust is the most important factor in building the foster parent-child relationship, and trust is not developed immediately. It will build, however, if you maintain your optimism, be firm and consistent, and respect your foster child�s feelings. If you can avoid taking the child�s responses too personally, maintain a sense of humor and affection towards your foster child, and allow them to develop the relationship at their own pace, the resulting relationship can be awe inspiring.
Before considering
the job of foster parenting:
- Know
why you want to provide foster care.
- Evaluate
the skills you have that qualifies you to provide foster care: patience,
time, and abilities to cope with the complications and problems the foster
child is suffering.
- Maintain
an attitude that is more professional than maternal. View foster care as a
job to establish safe boundaries. Create a secure environment that allows
the child to progress as a person and enjoy a period of peace and happiness.
- Allow
the child plenty of transition time. A newcomer to a strange home does not
adapt over night.
- Make
certain your expectations for the foster child are realistic and reasonable.
- Believe
a trainer or caseworker when you are told some kids are extremely hard to
handle.
- Ask
questions! Get the clearest idea possible as to where this case is going.
Determine the length of time this child will be in your care.
- Investigate
and explore all of your options. Find out about subsidized adoption, legal
guardianship and other care options available to you. Investigate the
opportunities available to your foster child.
- Take
advantage of the support available to you. Ask your caseworker for help and
advice.
- If
you find your foster child is impossible to work with, then admit defeat and
move on. Arrange for the removal of the child from your home. It is better
for the child and it is better for you. Personality clashes do happen.
Fostering can only be effective between people who can work together.
- You
must have patience and compassion.
- Foster
care is a very important job. It is not an easy job.
- Happy
endings do not always happen. The reward is in the 'doing' of this job.
- Check
your motives. Are you doing this for the child or for yourself?
- Be
realistic about the time you can give to foster care and about the skills
you do or do not have.
FOSTER TEENS
Foster children have a hard time trusting others, and this is especially true for teens. By the time the child reaches her teen years, she has been shuffled from home to home and school to school. Why should she trust you? How are you and your home different from any of the other places she�s been? It�s hard enough to parent a teenager, but it�s even tougher when the teen hasn�t had much of a start in life. You now have to undo at least 13 years worth of hurt, anger, and disappointment. You have to teach her how to act appropriately, how to trust, and how to be responsible.
Teen foster kids are self-absorbed -- from their changing bodies to their ever-changing homes. They feel sorry for themselves, and they build walls around their hearts to keep out fear and pain. They have been let down so many times that they can�t see any reason to believe you. ("You�ll just hurt me like everyone else.")
Some teens will have memories called "suppressed memory flashbacks." These cause even more anxiety, and can send them further into depression. Reaching a foster teenager is a feat in itself. So, what can you do? Well, when you raise a child from a young age, you and that child have a foundation for your relationship. You build on it for years, and by the time that child reaches her teen years, she knows who�s boss, and who she can turn to for help - YOU.
With the foster teen, you have no foundation. You�ll have to build one. Here are some suggestions.
Ask her what their favorite things are. Even if they don't want to tell you, if you are observant you will be able to figure some out.
Surprise her every now and then with a little token of your affection. If his favorite color is black then get him that black wallet or watch. This will show him that no matter how hard he tries to keep you at a distance, you are going to care for him anyway. This is a first step to building your foundation.
The next thing to do is make a coupon book, just for her. Each page should say something to the effect of "You are entitled to one talk session on a subject of your choice -- yes, even boys!" You�re likely to get a laugh out of her, and she�ll see that you want to be there for her. Tell her she can talk to you anytime, with or without a coupon.
Your next step is to try to get her involved in the family. Have family meetings once a week to discuss things that need to be addressed. Allow everyone a chance to talk about things that are going on with them, and a chance to gripe if there�s something they don�t like. Remember, teens are self-absorbed, and you should expect such pettiness as whose turn it was to wash the dishes or who left the porch light on last night. This is just a manipulative way of getting your attention. Don�t interrupt, and don�t laugh. Let her finish, give her the most honest reply you can without making her feel like her opinions don�t count, and then move on to other topics, such as where everyone wants to go for the family outing on Saturday. Meetings can be called by anyone, at any time, if they have something to tell the family
