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HEALING
Can you Pass the Forgiveness Test Now? Take the following test, see if you pass… have you truly forgiven or asked for forgiveness? Are you free from the offense and the offender? Have you broken the chains binding you? · You realize that by wronging another person you have wronged God. · You have released the offense and the offender. Although you will remember the incident, the poison, pain and toxicity are removed from the incident and subsequently from your memory. · You can discuss the event/incident without becoming emotional, feeling resentful or hurt. · You do not entertain even the slightest thought for ill-will or revenge with regard to that person. · You experience no negative reactions when revisiting the scene or seeing the person(s) involved in the incident, offense or conflict. · You are able to project love to that person expecting nothing in return. · You would never think to bring up the incident from the past to that person again merely because you were in a conflict with them today. · You are able to thank God for the conflict and recognize how you’ve have been changed or grown as a result of the conflict. Written by: Rhonda Robbins
“forgiveness”
Feeling Letter Exercise The ‘Feeling
Letter Exercise’ is a gift to all humanity from Dr. John Gray, author of
Men Are from Mars, Women are From Venus. It is a wonderful technique for
releasing and getting in touch with your feelings. Many thanks to Dr. Gray for
his work in the behavioral health area and for this effective technique. The first time you
attempt a ‘Feeling Letter’ it may be difficult. You may think you don’t
have anything to say or write, but you’d be surprised at what will come out
once you start. Write it in any language you want… this is for you. You’re
not sending it to anyone, no one else will see it. If you get childish while
writing it… good. Go there! Just keep writing. Don’t be
discouraged if you can’t get through all three parts in your first sitting.
Just write as much as you can. Keep writing and keep attempting to write all
three parts. Take as much time as you need. Work through your feelings and
don’t put yourself on some kind of schedule or performance trip … this is
not a task on a ‘to do’ list. It is infinitely more difficult than taking
out the trash or scheduling a doctor’s appointment. If you continue to
be blocked and unable to finish all three steps to the ‘Feeling Letter’
exercise, try a vocalization instead. Find a quiet time and place, sit down,
imagine the other person is sitting in the chair next to you. Say (out loud)
everything you want to say to that person. Express all your pain, anger and hurt
feelings. Tell them everything you want to tell them. Tell them how furious you
are and how much you hate them or how they’ve made you feel. Keep telling
them; keep talking until you are tired of talking … until you’ve said
everything you ever wanted to say to them over and over again. Continue to
express your feelings until you have nothing else to say. Now go back and try to
finish the letter. When you have been successful in writing all three parts, you
are ready to proceed. Part 1: Express
your feelings and what you want. Get all your feelings
out… write exactly how you feel, even if it sounds childish. Express your
feelings of anger, regret,
sadness, fear, hurt, sorrow, rejection, etc. Example: "When
you said I was stupid and couldn’t even chew bubble gum and walk, I felt hurt,
belittled, unloved …
" Part 2: Imagine a response that would make you feel loved ... Instead of saying or doing ______________ I wish you would
have __________________. Example: "Instead of calling me stupid, I wish you would
have told me how special and precious Part 3: I forgive you Offense List 1.
Get a blank piece of paper 2.
Make two columns 3.
On the top of one column write your name 4.
On the top of the other column write the name of the person with
whom you are having a conflict 5.
List all their offenses 6.
List all your offenses Method The method you use will
depend largely upon who you are dealing with, what kind of history you have with
them and what your relationship with them is. If it is a coworker who casually
wounds you, you’ll want to quickly take care of it at work in person.
Conversely, if the offense is from a person close to you that you have a lot of
history with (family member) the approach will be different, particularly if
there is a history of abuse or continued violation from this person. The ‘in
person’ approach with a habitual violator screams for more abuse. God never
intended for us to be in unsafe situations -- so protect yourself. Seeking
‘forgiveness’ is good, but do not compromise your safety (emotional,
physical or spiritual well-being) to ‘get it’. ·
Phone call: This is a
"safe" and appropriate vehicle to use for someone who deeply wounded
you in the past, examples of this kind of offense would include: ·
Individual who verbally, physically or
sexually abused you or your children. ·
An overly strict parent [caregiver] who
never treated you as though you had any rights. ·
Individuals who continually disempowered,
demeaned, belittled and berated you through use of words or actions or both. ·
Someone you had improper intimacy with
outside of marriage. ·
Individual who violated you spiritually. Obviously, the list could
be endless. The point is that these kinds of abuses make huge rips and tears in
our souls, they are ‘long remembered’ and ‘long nurtured’. We may
believe we have forgiven someone and forgotten the incident… that it no longer
has any affect upon us. Take the forgiveness test to see if it is indeed
forgiven, or have you merely stuffed it? DO NOT attempt to ask forgiveness for bitterness or
resentment of these individuals in person unless you are very, very strong and
well-prepared. Best advice, call on the phone. ·
In person: Once
you’ve done your phone script a couple of times with those people from your
past (who may still be part of your present) and you are understanding the
process a bit better, you may want to try initiating the ‘in person’
approach with coworkers and friends. However, you still want to ensure that you
are well prepared and understand what you will say before you set up a meeting
with this person. Otherwise, you’ll probably just blubber around the issue and
never get to the point, hence you will not receive the forgiveness or the
release you are seeking. Remember to keep yourself safe. It is not open hunting
season, stick to the script. ·
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER write and send a letter.
NEVER! Timing When you call or set up a meeting make sure timing is good.
Don’t just assume because you are ready and available that it is also a good
time for them. Ask them if it’s a good time. ·
Is this a convenient time for me to speak to
you? When would a good time be for me to speak with you? I have something of a
delicate nature to discuss with you; do you have some time? When can we get
together? ·
Pray, asking God to help you pinpoint when a
good time will be. ·
Will the two of us be alone? Will there be
other distractions? ·
Will he/she be able to respond
appropriately? Is it too soon after the incident? Is he/she still angry? Are
feelings still high? Emotionally charged atmosphere? NOTE: Do not attempt to
seek forgiveness until emotions have returned to normal… then ask. Script Feel free to improvise a bit and make the script more
appropriate for your speaking style (we’re not telemarketing). However, DO NOT
omit the underlined, bolded words. This is a critical phrase. If you do not know
what the offense centers around, focus instead on your behavior [attitudes] and
how you’ve come to feel about the conflict. Have you become angry, resentful
or bitter? If so, focus on your attitudes, actions and behavior.
If you know what the offense is in reference to be specific in asking for
forgiveness. Let’s say for instance that you gossiped about them to someone
else. You will say, " I was wrong and want to know if you will forgive me
for gossiping about you?" Script: I’ve been thinking about our relationship
[friendship/marriage] and it is obvious that I have offended you or hurt you. I
want you to know that I value and care about you and our relationship. You are
important to me. I am so sorry to have hurt and offended you by my attitude or
actions. I was wrong and want to know if you will forgive me for
__________________ [my bitterness] toward you?. Typical responses: ·
Surprise!! ·
Denial. I don’t know what you are talking
about. ·
What do you mean your ______________
(bitterness/anger) toward me? They want details!! Do not discuss details
– simply say, "I’ve had wrong attitudes toward you and want to know if
you’ll forgive me." ·
The person may actually agree with you about
the offense, then they may feel free to bring up other offenses they have
against you to your attention. In fact, they may give you a list. Be prepared
and open. Do not allow yourself to be angry and defensive. If their list is more
than you can handle right now say to them, "I am glad you are sharing this
information with me, I really want to know about these kinds of things and I
don’t want them to be issues that hinder our relationship. However, right now
I’m truly unable to deal with other things right now. Can we get together
later and discuss these other incidences when I am better prepared?"
Remember, you’re opening doors and seeking resolution and continued
relationship. Others will see things in and about us that we cannot; they see
our blind-spots. ·
The person may want to discuss the details
– DON’T! Focus on getting forgiveness. Don’t discuss the details! Simply
say, "The details are not important – what is important is that I have
had bad/wrong attitudes toward you and I need to know if you will forgive
me." ·
The person may feel like you’re trying to
make them the scapegoat; that in some way you are transferring blame to them.
Tell them YOU ARE NOT. Tell them, it has nothing to do with them… it has to do
with you and your attitudes. Tell them it’s your problem, not theirs. ·
The person may try to trivialize or minimize
it and say there is nothing to forgive. If the person does not say they forgive you…. Ask again.
"Will you forgive me?" Go for the release!! As much as
possible, insist on getting forgiveness from them without being rude or pushy.
Be firm when asking for forgiveness. Don’t be be tentative or wishy-washy! Script: "No, it has nothing to do with you, it is about
me and my wrong attitudes/behavior. I really need for you to forgive me
because I feel I have wronged you. Will you forgive me?" If they have not forgiven you or you have asked them for
the third time and they still will not forgive (release) you…. Say to them: Script: "Before I came to seek your forgiveness I prayed
about this call [meeting] and want you to know that whatever your response was,
I gave it to God. Consequently, I am now releasing myself and will not accept
any rejection from you now or in the future regarding this incident." NOTE: Keep in mind that you may not demand
forgiveness. The person may choose not to forgive you, that is their personal
right and choice. You don’t have a ‘right’ to their forgiveness. Realize
you have done everything you can to resolve the conflict. Forgive yourself,
release yourself and move on.
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