Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior where one person in a relationship tries to gain power and control over his or her partner through fear and intimidation. This can take the form of threatening or actually using physical violence, or the abuse can be emotional, economic, or sexual.
Domestic violence often goes unreported, but an estimated 3-4 million American women are beaten each year by their partners. According to the FBI, 30% of women and 6% of men killed in this country are killed by their partners or ex-partners. Some experts say that a woman has between a 1-in-3 and a 1-in-5 chance of being physically assaulted by a partner or ex-partner in her lifetime.
Domestic violence can flare up with little or no warning and from a spouse who is a loving partner in many other ways. The abuse may start as verbal or psychological, then escalate to physical assault. therefore, the best time to take preventive steps, such as seeking counseling, is at the first sign of abuse. In order to prevent future abuse, both partners must be committed to making a nonviolent relationship work.
Are You Abused?
Does the man/woman you Love.. .. .
1. "Track" all of your tiime and activities?
2. Constantly accuse you of being uunfaithful
3.&nnbsp; Discourage your relationships with family and friends
4. Prevent you from working or atteending school
5. Criticize you for little things'<
6. Anger easily when drinking or on drugs
7. Control finances and force you tto account for what you spend?
8.&nnbsp; Humiliate you in front of others
9. Destroy personal property or senntimental items
10. Hit, punch, slap, kick, bite youu or your children
11. Threaten to hurt you or your chhildren
12. Use or threaten to use a weaponn against you
13. Force you to have sex against yoour will
The Cycle
In the book, The Battered Woman, Lenore Walker talks about the "cycle of violence" as a way of describing what happens in violent relationships between men and women.
None of us can avoid the conflicts and stresses of everyday fife. For the battering man, the tensions he experiences as a result of conflict and stress lead to abusivee behavior. He explodes in violence that may last just a few minutes or go on for hours, even days. Afterwards he may make excuses or say he is sorry and promise it won't happen again. Maybe he will tell his wife he loves her and needs her. He may make a special effort to smooth things over by trying to be especially attentive and kind. Often the victim will forgive her abuser at this point. At the same time, both parties are probably minimizing the problem, especially when the worst is over.
What most victims experience is that as time goes by conflicts and stresses will come up again. If there has been no Intervention, future violence is Inevitable and the cycle is repeated. Domestic violence workers and survivors of abuse agree on one thing: If the cycle is not interrupted, the violence will escalate in frequency as well as severity.
STRESS FACTORS
* Isolation • Pregnancy
* Economics
* Alcohol/Drugs
* Death • Role Change
* Change In Family Structure
* Sexual Dysfunction
* Medical Problem
Source: You Are Not Alone: A Guide for Battered Women. By Linda P. Rouse. Learning Publications, 1994.<
Why Do They Stay??
Women who stay In Violent relationships undergo gradual steps of reasoning to reconcile the violence In their minds. The reasons she stays may change as the violence in the relationship progresses.
At first, she stays because:
she loves him
she believed he'll grow up or change
she believes she can control the beatings by doing as he says, cleaning the house, keeping the children quiet, having dinner on time, etc.
she believes she can convince him that she loves him (and end his jealously)
she believes It Is her duty to make the relationship work
she believes she can reason with him
she's embarrassed for him and herself, so she seldom seeks help she's afraid of what will happen If the police get Involved
Later, she stays because:
she loves him,
she hopes he'll chaange or get help
she's under
she believes he loves and needs her
she's afraid to be alone
she believes she can't support herself
she believes his promises that he'll change and that they'll start living the life she dreams of, that he'll get counseling, that he'll stop abusing drugs or alcohol, etc
she is confused
she is increasingly afraid of her partner's violence and may see lethality In his out-of-control behaviors
Finally, she stays because:
fear: he has become tremendously powerful In her eyes
he threatens to kill her or the children or her family
she
has
she believes no one can love her
she believes she can't survive alone
she is very confused and feels guilty: "he cares, he beats me, I must be bad. I must deserve this, I don't know why"
she becomes depressed and Immobile. Decisions are difficult, sometimes Impossible for her to make
she believes she has no control over her life
she feels hopeless and helpless
she believes >she has no options
she has developed serious emotional or physical problems
she becomes suicidal and homicidal
Danger Signs
1. <Jealousy - Intense envy and almost paranoia can lead to Isolation of the victim. Example: Girlfriend cannot look, notice or speak to another male; cannot go out alone or with friends.
2. Home life - has experienced violence or witnessed abusive situations in the home as a child. Example: Father abuses mother; brother abuses wife or girl friend; abused as a child by parent or siblings.
3. Hates/Resents mother - strong negative feelings toward mother; talks harshly or degradingly about mother of women In general.
4.Quick temper, low Impulse control - will strike out using violence quickly; easily provoked to anger; uses a lot of physical aggression to solve problems.
5.Substance abuse - uses alcohol and/or drugs regularly. Example: Abusing person claims, "I wouldn't have done it If I hadn't been drunk.' Victim excuses behavior, 'He only hits me when he's been drinking.'
6. Rigid role expectations - fantasy approach to life, women fit into only one role: dependent, submissive, compliant; men fit only one role: boss, decision-maker, dominant, macho.
7. Controlling - completely rules the relationship; other person's point of view not Important; his opinions, attitudes, beliefs must always prevail.
8. Dictatorial - wants absolute control. Example: Dictates victim's dress, make-up, hairstyle, choice of friends, etc.
9. Displaced aggression - consciously or unconsciously finding fault with something that Is not related to the problem at hand.. Example: Abuser feels angry because of something that happens at school, work or home, and then hits his girl friend.
10. Hitting walls, throwing objects, name calling - gestures that may lead to physical violence.
11. Jackyl-Hyde personality, dual personality - extreme mood swings.
12. Low self-esteem - poor self Image; putting others down helps him feel better about himself.
If you are being abused:
1. Protect yourself and your children
2. Seek help, preferably for both yourself and your partner, but at least for yourself
3. Make the changes necessary for you and your children to live abuse-free
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Every 15 seconds, a woman is beaten in this country.
As many as four million women, this battering is so severe, they require medical or police attention. But for nearly 4,000 women each year, the abuse ends. They die.