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Embarrassing Pictures pt. II:
Embarrassing pictures was never meant to be a running piece, but since then there have been incredible terrible rip-offs like the "Willis Cam" or whatever the hell that crap on the Park Exers page was supposed to be. This time around, our embarrassing pictures will reveal what some of the GMs have been up to over the last few weeks while hopefully helping you, as is always our goal, by teaching you how this should be done right. (continue..)

State of the Union:
There are a plethora of issues that demand the attention of GM KneeCo and he isn't always available to address them. Today, he finally commented on some recent issues that have come up since the beginning of the second half in a short press conference held earlier today. To read the complete transcript, (click here..)

Well it happened, Bin Laden proved himself to be a sore loser. In the most recent update of the progressively more boring Pontiac Pride webpage, Bin Laden announced that week thirteen would be decided by having "co-winners" of the team of the week honors. GM KneeCo had this to say:
"Bin Laden, you think you accomplished anything? Well you didn't. I refuse to share anything with you. I'm keeping the week 13 trophy as you see it here regardless of what terrorist threats you might make. Here's the deal (I know you don't want any more "advise", but I figured some "advice" was warranted): I'm keeping the week 13 trophy without the stupid "co" subscript and adding it to my trophy case. However, if you are able to beat me next week when we face off I will remove it completely and you can be the sole week 13 winner. Also, and I think I speak for all the GMs when I say this, I think we should decide team of the week as I suggested (team that would have won face off in case of tie) from here on in because sooner or later we'll have a six way tie or something stupid like that."
 

Week 13 was a great week for the Raccoons; we captured the single week record for homeruns with 23, (breaking the old Porno Stars record of 21) we broke the single week record for OPS (defeating our own record by .001) and we tied Boogaloo for the runs scored record with 59. Moreover, we retook third place and began a climb back up the ranks as we said we would.
Unfortunately, late last night, the great week we had was tainted when the Pontiac Pride webpage was updated, reveling that, by their numbers, we had tied the Pride for team of the week. GM KneeCo had this to say:
"Both our teams captured the same number of categories and the Pride say this means we tied for team of the week. This is ridiculous and GM Bin Laden knows it. Simple common sense says that if two teams were to tie in categories, the winner should be decided by which team would have won had those two teams faced each other. The Raccoon clearly had the better week and deserve the award. Bin Laden, I realize these are your awards, to be handed out as you see fit, but we've all afforded them a certain legitimacy by boasting our Team of the Week wins on our webpages and whatnot, if you continue these antics you are only hurting the legitimacy you've built and proving yourself to be a sore loser."

Open Letters:
GM KneeCo has decided that things, for some GMs especially, have become rather dyer and broad advice alone will no longer do. It is time to start offering help on a case specific basis. With that in mind, GM KneeCo will be writing a letter to each GM catered to their specific problems and needs. We are hoping that these letters will be helpful to you and will be printing them right here as soon as KneeCo's assistant Jamie emails them to us.
Letter #1: Team Willis
Letter #2: Team MTL
Letter #3: Team Pride
Letter #4: Team Boogaloo
Letter #5: Team Porno Stars
Letter #6: Team Park Exers
Letter #7: Team yankees

Adventures in Fantasy Land pt. II:
They starred in what was probably the most popular post in the short history of the Raccoons' site, and now they're back with more superhero hilarity! The General Manager Superheroes second adventure is finished and ready for your enjoyment. SO STOP ASKING FOR IT! (continue..)

Adventures in Fantasy Land:
We all know that we don't like each other, but if our survival depended on it, could we get along? In a different plane of existence, in a world known only as Fantasy Land, GMs are responsible for much more than simply keeping their rosters to date. They are members of a powerful faction that protects the world from evil. These General Manager Superheroes must work together to save fantasy world in this epic multi-chapter story by everyone's favorite wordsmith, Nick "VoodooChild" Galanis.  Part one has already been posted and is ready for your enjoyment. (continue..)

Grand Re-opening:
GM KneeCo website v.1.5 address:
"I've asked myself, repeatedly after we were shut down for unknown reasons whether I should even bother re-opening the site. I mean, webmaster VoodooChild came to, upset at what had happened to the page and asked when he should start working on an altered layout and, I'll be honest with you, I wondered if it would be worth the trouble. First off, the league web ring is coming about. Secondly, we don't know the fate of this page and if it will end up like the last one. But most importantly, the first Raccoons site has to be considered a colossal failure. I mean, look at the teams in our league! When I opened the last page, at the end of April, I promised my intentions to help you, and I wasn't lying. As I look now at the state of affairs of our league, I know I have failed. The first place team is run by a whiny bitch whose insulted by the truth, the second place team is run by someone who spends the majority of his time whining to others to make webpages because he doesn't have a life, the Gm of the fourth place team remains the most sleep inducing thing to happen in baseball since the bean ball. And the rest of the roster should probably get together so, between the four of them, they might have enough talent to climb up to fourth place. So you can see why I was ready to throw in the towel can't you? But I'm no quitter! So I have re-opened the site and it will be a bigger, meaner, more helpful resource for all you lost souls than before! I wont pull any punches anymore, and Porno Stars will no longer get a free pass just cause the GM is a damn cry baby. The best damn web page in fantasy baseball is back boys and girl! This is gonna be fun!"

Embarrassing Pictures:
Unlike GM Peter when we say the page is coming back, we mean it! And now that everything is up and running again, hopefully permanently, let's get to the first new piece shall we? Among the many questions GM KneeCo gets asked about his superiority is how he has been able to make the other GMs bend to his will and not kick his ass after visiting this site? Well, the answer is one simple word: blackmail! That's right, GM KneeCo has some pictures involving the other GMs in the league. But, being the sportsman that he is and not wanting to have any more of an advantage over the teams than he already has, KneeCo has decided to make all the pictures public. These pictures are all now available as part of what we like to call, you guessed it, the picture game!  (continue..)

Fantasy Baseball For Dummies Pt. 1: The Basics:
GM KneeCo has been occupied recently with various important tasks and had this to say concerning the lack of updates to the Raccoons site:
''Being so far superior is not something I take lightly. I've seen "Spider-Man" just like everyone else so I know that my power comes with great responsibility. I would like to be able to offer help to the other GMs but I have been very occupied as of late. I just hope they can go a little longer without me.''
In light of GM KneeCo's busy schedule, I, webmaster VoodooChild, have decided to take this opportunity to look over the basics of fantasy baseball. Frankly, this has to do with more than KneeCo's absence, it also is important to look back on the basics because many new GMs have emerged in the league and, new or old, none of you seem  to be getting these things right anyway...  (continue..)  

The Website Game:
Recently there has been a controversy among the Expos Baseball League web ring regarding the stealing of ideas by certain GMs. GM KneeCo had previously stated that he was a little disappointed, albeit not surprised, by the now infamous actions of the other GMs. Today, after further looking into the issue of team webpages, he had this to say:
“Truth be told I’d never actually visited any of the other sites until this morning, but I had hired a team to check up on them periodically and give me the essentials of what is happening around the league and what the competition is up to. From what I’d heard, I was not missing much at all really, so why did I look up these pages over my usual coffee this morning? To help my fellow GMs of course. A strong internet headquarters can be a cornerstone of the fan community and team spirit so it is important to do a better than average job when  putting together a page. Unfortunately it seems, all the pages, except the Raccoons’ one of course, are lacking in one way or another, so let me once again be a savior to those inferior to me..." (continue..)  

The Name Game:
GM KneeCo, while overlooking the standings this morning over coffee, had this to say to his assistant Jamie (who was under the desk taking dictation at the time):
"Look at these team names! The other GMs are making all of us look stupid, it's pathetic. It seems I’m the only one who knows what a baseball team’s name is supposed to be, a city name followed by something catchy, aggressive and intimidating (like "Raccoons"; they’re nature’s bandits!). The rest of the GMs in the league put together wouldn’t be creative enough to find their way out of a paper bag. Little do they realize how important a name is or how stupid their teams look. So how ‘bout I show them?..." (continue..)  

Mascot:
GM KneeCo is proud to present the new team mascot, Rodger the Raccoon City Raccoon! Regarding the controversy of whether or not this is actually the forest's Bert Raccoon, KneeCo had this to say:
"These allegations are ridiculous to the point of being offensive! Rodger is clearly not Bert; Bert has a "B" on his shirt while Rodger had an "R". Moreover, Rodger's nose is clearly more phallic than Bert's. This is a rumor started by GM Coco Bin Laden after my Raccoons wiped his Pride in week one and is absolutely false! Regarding the ongoing search for the real Bert, I'd like to say that myself and the whole organization are hoping for the safe recovery of Bert and fully support his friends in their search. Remember, we here in Raccoon city are friends of the raccoon. As for Rodger, we look forward to his positive impact on the team at a time when we are in need of support to catch up to the first place Porn Stars. Finally, I'd like to say that more additions to the club will be made sooner than later to make the Raccoons games more interesting and fun for players and fans." 

Grand Opening:
KneeCo, the GM of the Raccoon City Raccoons is proud to unveil the new website of the team. This page was made using FrontPage by Nick "VoodooChild" Galanis. Concerning plans for the new platform, KneeCo had this to say:
"I’d just like to say to the rest of the GMs in the Montreal Expos League that I’ve decided to open this page not to bash you because that would be too easy. I want to help you. Those among you who spend hours negotiating trades and such yet still haven't put together a roster superior to the dikes in 'A League of Their Own'. This will be a resource for all of you, so you might learn something and make this game a little more fun."

Rumor Mills (the ones I recovered anyway):
- Raccoons may be getting new pitchers as the Park Exers might  finally have found a way to unload Moyer. GM KneeCo would not confirm or deny.
- GM Seskitim considering imposing height restriction on staff and players to make up for his own insecurities. In a somewhat related story, GM Peter has imposed a length restriction on bats for the Porn Stars.
- Raccoons site updates slow as webmaster grows more and more aggravated with FrontPage. Site may be rebuilt using HTML.
- Jose Theodore to be offered hooker by Park Exers GM after Canadians win series against Boston.
- GM of MTL sighting: Seen gambling in Nevada with Elvis and Big Foot!

Raccoons’ correspondent 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin chimes in with today’s rumors:
- GM of Pride and of Porn Stars steal from Raccoons’ site WHAT?! Both rip-off clever Willis link without giving due credit to the source WHAT?! GM KneeCo and webmaster Voodoo Child very upset WHAT?!
- GM Coco Bin Laden in trouble with girlfriend WHAT?! She’s offended he cut her out of picture of his car before posting it on his site WHAT?!
- GM of yankees makes large house of cards WHAT?! It falls after a paper airplane  flies into it WHAT?! GM Coco Bin Laden prime suspect in investigation. WHAT?!
- Players’ association very upset WHAT?! Didn’t realize fantasy baseball entails fantasy wages WHAT?!
- GMs of league very slow readers WHAT?! Name Game article gets dozens of page views since posted on May 1st WHAT?! GM KneeCo wonder why other GMs couldn’t read it in one shot WHAT?!

- GM KneeCo and GM Costa working together to dethrone MTL as leader of Park X league simply as matter of principle. Join the fight today!
- GM Sexy Bitch generally considered rather sexy and bitchy.
- GM Bin Laden... ditto!
- GM Scarface arrival imminent, plans to introduce other GMs to his "little friend"
- Raccoons may drop Palmeiro after seeing Viagra commercial.
- League owner Chris can't decide between a PS2 or Gamecube.

- Team Willis pitchers have begun dressing casual for apperances. They've decided there is no real point in getting a uniform for their one start carrer with the last place team
- Porno Stars attribute recent bad play to bad gonorrhea.
- Webmaster VoodooChild running out of originaly material for Rumor Mill posts
- Pee-pee ka-ka
- GM KneeCo, Costa, Seskitim and Scarface all expeted to attended formal gathering this Saturday. It is a baptismal, but negotiations over drinks are not out of the question,

- Last Saturday's meeting didn't yield much in way of negotiations, but GMs KneeCo, Seskitim, Scarface and Costa, along with league owner Chris, are all expected to attend another gathering on Sunday June 23rd.
- Porno Stars attribute recent bad play to bad players.
- GM MTL sighting: Seen with known acquaintance Big Foot designing new Porno Stars website.
- GM Bin Laden has car trouble but is too proud to admit Pontiac is crap so he hasn't taken his car to the garage. (...he's too poor too)

- GM Bin Laden using website in effort to find a man willing to hit his ass.
- GM KneeCo way behind on Canadian Politics term paper.
- Imitation greatest form of flattery in PWO camp.
- Raccoons site updated daily since "fewer updates" story was posted.
- yankees GM credit card declined when he tried to purchase "Bitch whipper" as father's day gift.

- GMs hold online teleconference without inviting all the GMs. KneeCo upset he was left out. 
- VoodooChild advice to other GMs: If you're gonna go through the trouble of posting a message on the league board regarding your updated page, at least create a webpage worth visiting!
- GM Seskitim steals GM Bin Laden pic from Raccoons site. If unoriginal behavior of other GMs persists, could it be time for another website game? ...Be afraid, the last one put one website on the shelf.
- Raccoons site still  updated daily since "fewer updates" story was posted. KneeCo WAY behind on politics term paper.
- Happy Fathers' Day to Willis and yankee who may very well have little kids running around somewhere out there without their knowledge.

- Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez goes 0/8 in double header on Monday, anyone got a pickle?
- Calling old girlfriends when you're drunk is a very, very bad idea.
- Raccoons will be back in third by this time next week, the climb back up the standings is on.
- KneeCo finally finished school, let the great Canadian job search reluctantly begin... ah, what's another week?
- PWO store losing money as PapaG keeps smuggling merchandise home with him.
- GM Bin Laden getting other GMs hooked on Bejewled in hopes of getting them to ignore their teams.

- Raccoons Sunday update delay blamed on laziness of GM Bin Laden.
- GM Costa and Assistant GM Scarface in midst of secret negotiations with bad excuse; who plays golf at night?!
- Willis upset because Sexy Bitch was seen at movies with GM yankees.
- Sexy Bitch upset because yankees didn't come up with full amount promised for dating him.
- Seskitim borrows pants from league owner Chris only to return them because they are too long.

- I've never had sex with a 10, but last night I fucked five 2s. To me, that counts!
- GM Bin Laden lies on Pontiac Pride site, GM KneeCo actually biggest winner in card game with 15$, Bin Laden only won 5$. Seskitim and Costa both lost. KneeCo's winnings will go toward paying outstanding debt to 1-800 services.
- GM Sesktim may have to release talent to pay poker debt.
- Pontiac Pride site posts Bin Laden picture without crediting the VoodooChild; VoodooChild's work officially named the most copied and ripped off in league.
- GM Willis team slides as owner spends bulk of time playing Warcraft III. GM KneeCo jealous.
- Big things brewing in Raccoons camp...

- With Coco Bin Laden occupied cleaning floors, GMs no longer have to worry about bored, unemployed, introvert nagging them to entertain him from his basement. GM KneeCo considered lead runner to take up the vacated position.
- Fantasy Land part 3 finished and hilarious! ... in fantasy land anyway.
- GM KneeCo has minor heart attack when Barry Bonds pulls hamstring in outfield on Friday night.
- GM Costa and GM MTL sighting: Seen near North Pole with Santa and that annoying Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy. After Week 16 humiliation, GM PapaG also wants to go into hiding.
- Confirmed rumor: some of the league sites, including this one, have been showing up in Google search results! Try and find 'em.

Mascot Messages:
1) "Toke isn't the word! Just say no to drugs!"
2) "Geocities is picky! Never lose you Videotron password."
3) "Don't drop a superstar just because he is on the DL. A pickle isn't always as sour as you might think."
4) "I can't think of anything clever to say."
5) "Remember to wash your hands when you get back from the ghetto."

Taglines:
1) "We don't even like baseball!"
2) "Our only crime is being better than you!"
3) "All your baseball are belong to us!"
4) "...and we'll cry if we want to!"
5) "We're gonna need a bigger trophy case!"
6) "Last updated whenever we damn well please!"

Random gags:

Everybody thinks they can mess with raccoons but they're wrong.

Damn you Bin Laden!