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GM KneeCo, while
overlooking the standings this morning over coffee, had
this to say to his assistant Jamie (who was under the desk
taking dictation at the time):
Look at these team names! The other GMs are making the
whole league look stupid, it's pathetic. It seems I’m
the only one who knows what a baseball team’s name is
supposed to be: a city name followed by something
catchy, aggressive and intimidating (like "Raccoons";
they’re nature’s bandits!). The rest of the GMs in the
league put together wouldn’t be creative enough to find
their way out of a paper bag. Little do they realize how
important a name is or how stupid their teams look. So
how ‘bout I show them, one by one, in alphabetical
order:
Magnetic Boogaloo:
You’d think if someone spends hours in front of their
computer frantically reading stats, searching waivers
for a good player, being way too proud of their basic
knowledge of HTML, reading articles and talking in a
condescending holier-than-thou-tone about the other
owners he’d take the time to think of a somewhat clever
name. Well, you’d be wrong. "Magnetic Boogaloo"? Ok,
let’s agree on one thing off the bat – "Boogaloo" isn’t
a word. I believe it is slang or something, probably a
drug term, or some obscure dialect’s word for baseball
obsessed introvert. And "Magnetic"? Is that a city I
haven’t heard of where gravity is stronger than the rest
of the planet or something? This name sounds like it was
thought up on an acid trip. Fuckin’ hippies.
MTL:
...and the award for dumbest name goes to!
Here’s a guy who can’t be bothered to take his hands of
his dick long enough to update his team. Hey numbnuts –
Young is on the DL! Although I don’t think any of us
should have been surprised by his laziness, after all he
couldn’t even write out a full title for his team. MTL?!
I guess that’s short for Montreal because you live
there? Yeah, really genius. Or maybe it isn’t Montreal,
maybe it isn’t even an abbreviation, maybe it’s an
acronym. Here are a few possibilities:
Most Torrential Loser
Masturbates To Live
Molests Tiny Lads
If this guy can’t take the time to play along and make
the game more fun, I won’t take any more the time to try
and help him. It’s a lost cause anyway.
Park Exers:
“A poor little baby child is born
In the ghetto
And his mama cries
'cause if there's one thing that she don't need
it's another hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto
In the ghetto
And his hunger burns
so he starts to roam the streets at night
and he learns how to steal
and he learns how to fight
In the ghetto”
Park Exers couldn’t afford to go to a baseball game let
alone have a team.
Moving right along...
Pontiac Pride:
I know what you’re
thinking, you think this is a great name - it’s catchy,
there’s a smooth alliteration and a great sense of
irony. But see, that’s the thing, there is no irony!
Apparently, this isn’t meant as an oxymoron, the guy who
named this team is actually proud of the fact that he
drives a Pontiac! The name still makes me laugh, but not
with the author. Sad, isn’t it? The only justified pride
a Pontiac owners could get from his car would have to
come on the day he can finally afford to get rid of it.
Next!
Porn Stars2:
First off, what’s with the 2? Do you really need it?
Don’t feel like you could live up to the responsibility
the prestigious "Porn Stars" title carries with it? What
are you, like the back up Porn Stars, on call when the
real guys sprain their dicks from that really tough move
on page 78 of the Kama Sutra?
Here’s the misconception a lot of people make, and this
isn’t just for the Porn Stars, this applies to all of
you (Park Exers I’m looking your way on this one): Just
cause you watch porn ten hours a day and have somehow
not yet lost use of your right hand or gone blind,
doesn’t make you a star!!! In fact, it’s rather
pathetic. "Porn Star" was clever for about two
seconds when someone first put it on a shirt back in
1970. Grow up and change the name of you team.
Willis:
Is this supposed to be a name of a baseball team?
Really? Just “Willis”? Can you actually conceive that?
This really isn’t a name that’ll intimidate an opponent:
“Oh no! It’s the Willis! Run!” It’s like calling your
team “Godzilla” isn’t it? Can’t you just see little
Japanese guys running down the street in panic from the
horrible Willis? Here’s another thing, guess what the
GM’s name is? That’s right, Willis. Look Willis, you
wanna make the name of your team something that makes a
little more sense?! Maybe then they wont suck as bad
cause they wont have to walk around with their heads
down and cringe when someone asks them who they play
for. Bruce is a great actor, but he isn’t a baseball
team and neither are you.
“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!”
yankees:
Now “Yankees”, notice the capital Y, would be a rip-off
of the New York team and a terribly simple and
forgettable name. "yankees", however, all in lower case,
refers to the slang "yankee"; which means jerking off.
Not just any jerk however, a yankee is one of the quick
ones you hope your mom in the next room doesn’t walk in
on. You know the GM of this team, we all had one in our
grade 7 class, it was the kid who was always out of
breath and constantly had his hands under his desk.
So with that let me
just say to my fellow, inferior, GMs: Get your acts
together, you're making us all look bad! That's all the
help you're getting today. As always, stay tuned for
more.
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