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GM KneeCo
has been occupied recently with various important tasks
and had this to say concerning the lack of updates to
the Raccoons site:
"Being so far superior is not something I take lightly.
I’ve seen "Spider-Man" just like everyone else so I know
that my power comes with great responsibility. I would
like to be able to offer help to the other GMs but I
have been very busy as of late. I just hope they can go
a little longer without me."
In light of GM KneeCo’s packed schedule, I, webmaster
VoodooChild, have decided to take this opportunity to
look over the basics of fantasy baseball. Frankly, this
has to do with more than KneeCo’s absence, it also is
important to look back on the fundamentals because many
new GMs have emerged in the league and, new or old, none
of you seem to be getting these things right anyway.
Let’s skip the draft aspect of the game however since,
for better or worse, worse in most of your cases, all
teams have already been drafted.
The Trade Game.
When you sit down to make a trade, it’s really a
business deal atmosphere. Let’s admit it: your mindset
is simply to fuck this guy harder and faster than he
will fuck you, which you must assume is his intention.
Trading is tricky because your perception is skewed by
how the other reacts to the offer. For instance, you
want to make a trade, you think it’s a good trade, and
you really think that it could help your team. So what
do you do? You contact the other GM(s) involved and
propose your trade. Well, there are two possibilities of
what will happen now. Either the other party (for
simplicity’s sake we will assume there is only one) will
accept or deny your offer. Well, if they refuse you
there is an obvious problem but we will cover that in a
moment. Much stranger is that fact that if the other
party accepts the offer, you still have a problem; the
trade suddenly seems like a bad idea by simple virtue of
the fact that you could make it! Isn’t that some
contradictory shit?! See you are so set on the idea that
you’re fuckin’ this guy over and that’s the only reason
you’d make the trade that you have to wonder if he’s
thinking the same thing and, consequently, if there is
something you missed. I mean why would he make a trade
with you if it doesn’t work to his advantage. Hence, if
he does agree to a trade with you he must think you’re
getting the short end of the stick which makes you
wonder if he is right. It’s the whole forbidden fruit
thing I suppose and there’s really not much you can do.
On the other hand, if the person refuses the trade there
are a few things you can do. GM Seskitim used to pretty
much just make the exact same offer over and over again
and not seem to get the picture, but that isn’t very
productive. You can try negotiating but if history is
any indicator it has shown us that in fantasy baseball
if it doesn’t stick off the bat it never will.
Remember, in fantasy baseball trading, some words no
longer have the conventional meanings we’ve attributed
to them.
When trading, "maybe" means "no", "Yes" means "maybe"
and "No" means "what are you nuts?!".
Here’s a little advice on trading with the other GMs in
the league:
GM Bin Laden: Will make trades, but not very often and
usually wont give up much. Beware when trading with him
because he will be trying his best to rip you off while
he anally rapes your mother and pours sugar in your gas
tank (Credit to Kevin Smith on that one).
GM Costa: More or less same as Bin Laden, but he can be
ripped off if you have a player he is a big time fan
off. Keep in mind that he is a fan of youth in his
players, I don't think anyone has told him this game
only lasts one season.
GM Seskitim: Currently missing in action, but will
hopefully come back sooner than later 'cause he's always
nice and easy to rip off when the circumstance is right.
The problem is that he will suggest a plethora of
ridiculously unfair trades during negotiations which
will get annoying.
GM MTL: Negotiation isn't an option as this GM is never
around and there is really no way of contacting him.
However, don't let this discourage you from making an
offer, you wouldn't be the first to rip him off to your
advantage... assuming he ever gets around to considering
the proposition.
GM yankees: Has only made one trade, but will have to
kick up his activity sooner rather than later if he
wants to bring his team up to par. Thus, this might be
the right time to try to pick one off him.
GM Sexy Bitch: Team Willis, under their former
management, made more moves than a highly caffeinated
hyperactive ballerina playing seven simultaneous games
of chess and things don't seem to be changing. Team
Willis is easily the easiest target for ripping a team
off through trade... if only they had any players left
worth taking. Still, it is a good idea to trade with
team Willis if they have a player you want, or you can
just wait for them to drop said player and acquire him
that way.
GM Scarface: Who?
Finally, keep in mind that your trades will be analyzed
by introverted GMs on boring webpages that no one cares
about - so beware!!
The Drop/Pick-Up Game.
Recently, team Willis has been taking some rather
suspect actions. The team, under control of GM Sexy
Bitch, has been dropping and picking up players left and
right. Some teams have complained that this strategy is
"dirty" well I disagree. That’s right, I’m not going to
take this opportunity for some easy shots at team
Willis. I think we should allow the team to play as they
will and give them more leeway then we offer others.
It’s like the saying goes: "When you play basketball
with a retard, you don’t call double dribble, you gotta
let some shit slide!" Team Willis is a joke in every
way, from their name to their webpage and their roster,
let’s just let them do as they please. I mean, when
Willis is anything more than a footnote in the
standings, we can accuse them of bad tactics. Until that
time, which is a very very long time away if it ever
comes, let's not PMS about someone acting entirely
within the rules, ok Bin Laden?!
But as far as the rest of the GMs in the league go, when
thinking about how much dropping and picking you should
do, keep the following in mind: Team Willis and the Park
Exers have made the most moves... Team Willis and the
Park Exers are at the bottom of the standings. In fact,
as of this writing, Team Willis has made as any moves as
all the other teams combined, excluding the Park Exers
(and nobody considers them a really team anyway).
Checking the available players list occasionally is a
good idea and keeping an eye on who the other GMs drop
is also a must, but don't let hot/cold streaks make you
drop potential assets, it has been the downfall of
others.
The Social Game.
In the end, the game is all about numbers, but if a team
wants to be truly successful in the long run, they going
to have to set up the right kind of working
relationships with the other GMs. This is a cutthroat
game of course, but at least the illusion of respect can
still exist. Remember, if someone trusts and respects
you, screwing them over becomes much easier. Here are a
few tips to making the other GMs like you and earning
their acclaim and respect:
1) Offer helpful advice from a stylish and creative
website, but only if you are qualified to do so!
2) Don’t use big words around the yankees GM.
3) Don’t fall asleep while GM Costa goes on for 70
minutes about the Boogaloo’s hot streak while playing on
astroturf on Tuesdays and Fridays.
4) Be like GM Bin Laden: Give out statuettes to the
other teams for whipping your ass week after week.
5) Be like GM KneeCo: When you crash into another GMs
car, leaving ugly red marks along the side, just keep
driving.
Well ladies and gents, that’s all for this update. Sorry
it's a little short. Don’t worry too much though, I’m
sure GM KneeCo will return sooner than later, he knows
you would all be lost without him. |
