The Jimbo News - Volume 6, Issue 2 (June 5, 2002)

Last Saturday Jimbo signed on as the world's 5,418,557,129th person to condemn terrorism, which he denounced "in slightly less than the strongest possible terms, but pretty close." He made the statement at a press conference held in Jimbo's Beer Shack.

Jimbo first made a statement to that effect in his Beer Shack a few days before the press conference. At the time it was dismissed as drunk talk by those in his company. However, it was soon realized that this was important, so Jimbo called a press conference by shouting, "Everyone shut up and listen to me!"

Jimbo's statement was received by people in different ways. One local who was at the press conference stated, "Where has he been? Everyone else said this stuff nine months ago, even my eight-month old son." Another remarked, "Who the hell is Jimbo?" When contacted for comment, Secretary of State Colin Powell refused to answer the phone.

Despite the obvious significance of Jimbo's announcement, he received little media attention, and only one news organization carried the story of it.

Talks Called Off Between Chili Dog, Jimbo's Stomach

Jimbo consults toilet

Negotiations between Jimbo's stomach and a chili dog he consumed have been cancelled, Jimbo announced yesterday. The two were set to meet and attempt to settle their differences today, but Jimbo's stomach refused to meet after the chili dog publicly made "irrational and rather offensive" demands to be wholly digested by the stomach. "All I asked," said the chili dog, "was for a portion of the stomach's acids to be set aside for me so that I might be able to pass through." After the talks were called off, the stomach stated: "It's really a difference in philosophy. The chili dog is of the old 'My nutrients should be absorbed into the blood stream' school of thought, while I follow the 'screw you' school." The disagreement became apparent when Jimbo expressed discomfort several hours after eating the chili dog.

Jimbo, who claims to be the victim in the dispute, consulted his toilet for advice and regurgitation. "I met with my homemade QX-7000A Toilet, which offers extreme disgorging comfort for a very reasonable price," said Jimbo. "See your neighborhood Jimbo Toilet dealer today." Jimbo was later informed that he has no toilet dealers.

Jimbo Oppressed

Hindered in attempts to drive at unreasonable speeds

Jimbo has recently complained to his loyal band of Beer Shack inebriates of oppression by various levels of law enforcement. He claims to have encountered instances of oppression both at home and in other parts of the country. "It's happened several times," Jimbo said. "I'm driving along at some ridiculous speed when a police officer makes me stop, tells me I have violated some kind of 'speed limit,' and makes me pay a fine." Once, he says, officials even threatened to take away his driver's license. "I didn't even know I had a license until they mentioned it," said Jimbo. "I must have been asleep when they gave it to me."

Jimbo is not sure at the moment what he will do to end or avoid this oppression. "The occasional sober person who stops by will tell me to just drive at a reasonable speed," he said, "but that is unthinkable to me." Jimbo hopes that one day he might escape the oppression by leaving the country. "I wish I could go to the mythical land of South America and live away from oppressors," he said, "but sadly trying to travel to such an imaginary place won't help me."

A couple links...

Puzzles Plus- My parents' store, which sells (duh) puzzles. I command you to buy some.

The Nameless Forest- I'm not sure what this sort of thing is called, but you choose your path through a forest... just go there; I don't know how to explain! �It was made (and is constantly updated) by my sister and her friend.

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