Second Page News
Jimbo Purchases Small Island, Establishes Communist State
Shack Employee Discovered To Be Piece Of Wood
Feature Photo
None
Writer, Editor, Publisher, and Person Who Made This Cheap Yellow Background: Woody
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Volume 2 � � Issue 2 � February 9, 2000
Front Page News
Guess Jimbo�s Middle Name D
The
contest will run until someone successfully finds out Jimbo�s middle
name, or until Jimbo, by some strange twist of fate, reveals it. Until his
middle name is discovered, Jimbo will be known as the "Big F."
The prize for being the first to find out Jimbo�s middle name is free drinks at Jimbo�s Beer Shack for life. Jimbo himself offered that prize, as he is confident that no one will win the contest. "You�ll never get it," he has said of his middle name.
All that is known about Jimbo�s middle name is that it begins with F. Contestants may use any method they wish to look for Jimbo�s middle name. If you think you have found out what it is, notify the Jimbo News, and we shall ask Jimbo if the name is correct. To make things a bit easier, we�ll tell you at the start that Jimbo has dismissed all the following names as incorrect:
Franklin, Francis, Fred, Flannigan, Floyd, Freak, Fonzarelli, Flip, Fonda, all profane words beginning with F, Fig, Fido, Frankenstein, Funkfish, Fuzzy, Food, Finger, Facade, Filibuster, Fatty, Film, Fungus, Fork, Fry, Foo, Fizz, Fallibility, Fabric, Family, Frog.
Jimbo Plants Beer Tree
J
imbo planted seeds for a beer tree yesterday as part of a ceremony in which he was described as being "as drunk as a human can possibly be and still be alive." He buried three beer cans under the soil, hoping that a beer tree will grow in the spring. He planted the tree in his basement. "Hopefully the money this tree brings will cover the cost of the machinery I had to buy to drill through my house�s foundation," he said.If beer cans actually grow on his tree, Jimbo can sell the beer at a price that is 100% profit. "With the extra money, I can afford to get hammered every night," he said.
Beer trees have swept across the nation in recent months, and are expected to be the hottest Christmas gift this year.
Jimbo Completes Assignment, Says "Boo-Yah"
J
imbo completed a school assignment yesterday, ending with a hearty "boo-yah." His classmates generally agreed with his evaluation of the situation. "It was definitely boo-yah. I mean, there�s no other way to describe it. Boo-yah," said one.Jimbo not only exclaimed verbally just how boo-yah the situation was, but also wrote it down on paper. "I may have the written �boo-yah� published so that everyone will understand what was going on. Boo-yah!" said Jimbo.
