Second Page News
Jimbo Injured By Falling Instruments
Feature Photo
Writer, Editor, Publisher, and Person Who Made This Cheap Yellow Background: Woody
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Volume 2 � � Issue 1� � February 7, 2000
Front Page News
Mystery Surrounds Summer Vacation
Where is Jimbo going this summer? That is the question weighing heavily on many people�s minds. But all who�ve asked Jimbo have received the same reply: "I can�t tell you."
Jimbo
has revealed only that he is going "far away." He has given no
other hints. Several theories of what he�ll be doing have come out in
recent weeks:
One theory is that Jimbo is an agent of the CIA and is going on a secret mission about which he may not reveal any information. He is believed to be a secret agent because he was once spotted wearing the CIA�s company T-shirt.
Another theory is that Jimbo is planning to drink a case of beer, point randomly to a place on the globe, then purchase an airline ticket to whatever place sounds like what Jimbo says in slurred speech to the travel agent. Once in that place, Jimbo will finally become sober and wonder how he got there. If this theory is true, Jimbo actually cannot say for sure where he�ll be going.
Yet another theory states that Jimbo is deliberately trying to irritate people by not telling them where he�s going. This may stem from his extreme alcoholism, or he may simply have some inherent demonic traits.
No matter where Jimbo will be going, his beer shack will be run by a few incompetent fools who sit near him in math class.
Jimbo�s Heart Stops
Jimbo�s heart stopped beating for approximately 6 seconds when a "smelly wad of string" was placed on his shoulder. According to witnesses, Jaso Ratl placed the thing on Jimbo�s shoulder. Jimbo continued working on his math for a while, oblivious to its presence.
But when he did turn around, he nearly fell out of his chair and let out a yell that got the attention of the entire class. And gosh darn it, that yell and the look on his face afterward made this reporter laugh pretty hard. Jimbo had to be beaten severely about the head before his heartbeat returned.
First Annual Charity Drive to Begin
Jimbo announced the founding of a new drive for donations to the "Give Jimbo Change So He Can Go Get Loaded" fund, a charity that he established last month. He said that so far, he has been collecting money with a jar at his beer shack. "I�ve been able to get wasted a few times with that money," he said, "but I haven�t been able to achieve any large-scale intoxication. That�s what I�m hoping to do with my drive for donations."
Jimbo will appear on television several times to plead for money. "I will get down on my knees on national TV if I have to," he said. "I think that when audiences see me so sober, they will, out of pity, empty their wallets and hopefully their bank accounts and send the money to me."
To make a donation to the charity, give money to Jimbo�s goons when they come to your door and ask for it.
