Second Page News
Machine Turns Out To Be Ketchup Thief
Jimbo Visits Beer River Valley
Jimbo Backs Out of Forehead Deal
Feature Photo
Writer, Editor, Publisher, and Person Who Made This Cheap Yellow Background: Woody
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Volume 3 � � Issue 2 � March 31, 2000
Front Page News
Jimbo Cuts Throats J
Jimbo�s cutthroat skills took root thirty years ago. "I acquired most of my mad skills while in �Nam," he said, recalling one day in particular. "Well, we were out there laying blue 3�s and 7�s when all of the sudden we got word that there was Charlie all over the place and we had to evacuate. We didn�t have enough time to get out of the area before they started Reversing and Skipping us left and right! Several of our men were hit by Draw Two cards, and we lost one to a Wild Draw Four."
After that fateful day, Jimbo worked to improve his skills in Uno, as Cutthroat was known then. He was the prot�g� of the one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed, one-kidneyed man, better known as the Todo-Uno Man. When the Todo-Uno Man passed away in 1988, Jimbo began to play on his own.
Jimbo has already held an informal competition with Wangatorium, in which Wangatorium, crushed Jimbo with a steam roller and pounded his battered body into a wall (not literally, of course). However, at present Jimbo is ahead of Wangatorium in the Wal-Mart Tourney.
Wangatorium is a relative newcomer, having learned his skills in the fairly recent Gulf War while stationed on an aircraft carrier. "They made me walk the plank because I was playing too much Uno and not doing my job," he said. "I thought they didn�t make people do that anymore." Wangatorium said he is lucky that he is a mutant with gills and was able to survive underwater.
Jimbo Caught In Yoohoo Scandal
J
imbo was yesterday accused of heading an operation to smuggle beer into places that are supposed to be alcohol-free. It is said that he brings beer in cans meant for Yoohoo.One witness, who wished to remain anonymous, became suspicious upon noticing that Jimbo was drinking 84 cans of Yoohoo regularly. "Jimbo usually drinks 84 cans of beer, not Yoohoo," said the witness. "It also made me suspicious when I saw him selling cans of Yoohoo beneath a big sign that said �BEER� at school."
Jimbo has admitted to the charges against him. "I was very confident that everyone is stupid enough to fall for my tricks and that it would take at least a year for me to get caught," he said. "It�s taken you morons six years. In fact, you�re the dumbest bunch of people I�ve ever met."
Jimbo is expected to receive a severe slap on the wrist for his crimes. "We could never send Jimbo to jail," said the chief of police. "He�s so lovable!"
Jimbo Day Celebrated
J
imbo Day was celebrated in areas ranging from math class to chemistry class last Tuesday. The twenty-first day of March was declared Jimbo day last Monday.At home, Jimbo Day was celebrated mainly by comments of "Happy Jimbo Day" passed between people. A few people celebrated by launching a homemade spy satellite named after Jimbo into orbit. Jimbo honored himself by drinking the 99 bottles of beer he keeps on his wall.
In other parts of the world Jimbo Day was celebrated differently. In some places, people sat at home wondering to themselves "Who is this Jimbo and why should I celebrate him?" In other places, people erected their own beer shacks.
But Jimbo said he was most honored by the people who went about their daily lives, refusing to even acknowledge his existence. "They have honored me by giving me an excuse to mercilessly execute them at some future time," he said. "Perhaps next year�s Jimbo Day will mark the beginning of Jimbo�s Reign of Terror."
