A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday, but as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Harvey Nichols and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the assistant mixed up the items, so the sister got the gloves and he got the panties.

Without checking he sealed the package and sent it to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for you sister, I would have chosen longer ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady in the shop showed me a pair which she had been wearing for three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had your sister try these on and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday. All my love." PS "The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while leaving his salesman in charge. Soon a woman comes into the porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

The Shopkeeper answers, "$35".

She: "How much for the black one?"

He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one".

She: "I think I'll take the black one, I've never had a black one before". She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35". She: "How much for the white one?"

He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one".

She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one, I've never had a white one before". She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black".

She: "Hmmmmm... how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165".

She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before". She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzle but agreed. When the couple had finished the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them £32.00. This happen several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "What exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £60.00. The Hilton charges £78.00, we do it here for £32.00 and I get back £28.00 from BUPA for a visit to the doctors!

A farmer was driving down the road one day and seen a sign that said Apples $10.00 a dozen, so he pulled in and asked the man what was so special about his apples? The man replied,they taste like peanut butter and jam! So the farmer asked if he could taste one, the man said yes so the farmer took a bit and said i can taste the peanut butter but not the jam. The man said well turn it around. So the farmer bought a dozen. He drove down the road a little further and seen another sign Apples $25.00 a dozen so he had to check out this guy too. He asked the same questions as above and the man replied that these ones taste like crackers and cheese. So he asked to taste one and he did and he said i can taste the crackers but not the cheese, well replied the man turn it around. So, he bought a dozen of those ones too. He got down the road further and seen another sign that said Apples $50.00 a dozen, so in he went and asked the same questions and before and the man replied that the apples taste like pussy! The farmer asked to taste one and received permission and he said "This tastes like shit" the man replied Well turn it around.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one. "Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well... not exactly...." "I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a beer with them. Dave replied "No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late." Dave's friend said "When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex." So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After awhile, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there. When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get here?" he asked. "Shhhh," she replied. "My Mom is sleeping."

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks. That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

There were these three men who didn't have a place to sleep for the night and they decided to stop at a house that had a barn. They went up to the door and a man answered. The first man says, "Do you have a place for me to sleep tonight?" and the other man says, "You can sleep in the barn with the pigs." The second man says, "Do you have a place for me to sleep tonight?" and the other man says, "Yes, you can sleep in the barn with the horses." The third guy says, "Do you have a place for me to sleep tonight?" The other man says, "Yes, you can sleep upstairs in the house with my eighteen daughters." The next morning all the guys came back to the house to thank the man. The man says, "How did everyone sleep?" The first guy says, "I slept like a hog." The second guys says, "I slept like a horse." The third guy says, "I slept like a golf ball, in and out of eighteen holes!"

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that. A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes. The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."

A young pathologist just got a job at the morgue and on his first day, the Coroner told him that there was a young female cadaver in room 6, and he should go determine the cause of death. About 20 minutes later , the pathologist came back to the coroner and said the cause of death was definitely drowning. When the coroner asked him what he based his decision on , he promptly said it was the shrimp between the girls legs. The coroner followed the young man back to room 6 and looked between the girls legs and turned to the pathologist and said "That's no shrimp, that's her clitoris." to which the pathologist replied, "Damn, it sure tasted like shrimp to me!"

A HAIRY QUESTION

SON: Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?

FATHER: Well son, a vagina before sex is truly a beautiful thing! It is the most wonderful thing God ever created. It is more delicate than a fresh picked rose. It's aroma is more beautiful than the finest of perfumes. It's feel is that of the softest silk. It's taste is that of pure nectar.

SON: Wow!!

FATHER: Even the words of the greatest poets fail to do justice to it's heavenly wonderment. Man would even sacrifice his own soul for just the mere glimpse of it's pure divinity.

SON: It sounds wonderful, Dad. What do they look like after sex?

FATHER: Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?