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The definitive list
of Poo
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Ghost Poo
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The kind where you feel poo come out,
see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
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Teflon Poo
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So slick and easy you don't even feel
it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the
toilet to be sure you did it.
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Gooey Poo
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Has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe
12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up puttring toilet
paper in you underwear so you don 't stain it. The poo leaves permanent
skid marks in the toilet and normally occurs when the phone is ringing
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Second Wave Poo
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This poo happens when you've finished,
your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have
to poo some more.
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Right now poo
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You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet.
You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out
before you get your pants off.
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Weight watchers poo
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You poo so much you lose several kilo's.
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Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Poo
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Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead
poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple
and practically have a stroke
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King Kong Poo
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The kind of poo that's so enormous you're
afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little
pieces with the toilet brush. This kind usually occurs in someone
else’s house.
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Notorious Drinker Poo
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The kind of poo you have the morning after
a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread
mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
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"Gee I Really Wish I Could Poo" Poo
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The kind where you want to poo, but even
after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet,
cramped and farting.
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Wet Cheeks Poo
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Also known as the "Power Dump".
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt
cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
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Cork Poo (also known as "The Floater"
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Even after the third flush, it's still
in the bowl. My GOD ! How do I get rid of it ?
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Liquid Poo
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That's the kind where yellowish-brown
liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the
toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender
poop-chute.
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Mexican Food Poo
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Also called "screamers". In a class all
of its own. You know it's safe to eat again when your bum stops
burning
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Crowd Pleaser Poo
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This poo is so intriguing in size and/or
appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
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Snake Poo
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This poo is fairly soft, about as thick
as your thumb and at least three feet long
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Morning After Poo
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Happens the day after the night before.
Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually
you're at someone else's house (normally a girl you're trying to
impress) and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom
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Boo Hoo Poo
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Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether
your should risk the stitches or go for the fuller figure.
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Gassy Poo
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It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot
is giggling
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Sweetcorn Poo (also known as Peanut)
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Self explanatory
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The Dangling Poo
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This poo refuses to drop in the toilet
even though you are done poo-ing it. You just hope that a
shake or two will cut it loose.
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The How The Hell Did My Poo Get That Color
Poo
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The poo that makes you wonder if you were
eating crayons in your sleep.
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The Surprise Poo
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You're not even at the toilet because
you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poo!
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15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet
than your own,regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting
to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue
left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off
the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash
your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as
other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent
splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may
still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching
it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making
any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact
is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it
several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare
skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan.
Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times.
It may be necessary to shout for your boyfriend/husband to find some more
rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or
pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to
watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant
soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately
half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind
by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly
behind you.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything
except a porn-mag;tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step
4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going
for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has
visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then
sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably
without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly
fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out.
It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus
as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be
a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles
set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes
of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour,
consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people
about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus.
You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer
any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the
pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it
will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the
loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material
on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open.
It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
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