David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".

"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".

"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham.

The receptionist replies, "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker."

A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."

The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"

The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."

A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"

"I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-wrork. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment."

The small tourist hotel was all abuzz about the newly married couple. The groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because the bride was a healthy 23. But lo and behold, the next morning, here comes the bride down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk behind the counter looked really concerned. "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator! The bridge groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak. "Ohhh God, he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!"

A chicken and an egg are in bed together. The egg is laying back with a satisfied smile on his face, smoking a cigarette. The chicken is miserable and looks frustrated.

After a while the egg speaks, addressing no one in particular, “Well I suppose that answers the question!”

Quasi Modo walks into a bar and says to the Barman: "One glass of Whisky please." The barman replies, "certainly sir, Bells all right?" Quasi Modo shouts: "Mind your own fuckin’ business."

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

A bear and a rabbit in the forest, the bear calls the rabbit over and goes: "rabbit, when you have a shit does it stick to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no it doesn’t". So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!"