These three women were room-mates. One night they had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time. The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. "Now THAT'S a good date!"

The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: Y2KY Jelly. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two."

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the woman replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her. "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50." The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman, I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps,if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in u-n-t? Only one word leapt to mind.. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

It was a very stressful time in Heaven, and it was starting to get God worn out. His temper was starting to flare, and He came pretty close to making a few mistakes. St. Peter decided that he could handle the shop for a while, so he went to suggest to God that He should take a vacation. "But where should I go?" Asked God "How about Mercury?" Suggested St. Peter. "Nah. I went there 5000 years ago, and got sunburned really badly." "How about Pluto?" "Are you kidding? I went there 4000 years ago, and got such a case of frostbite..." "Well, what about Earth." "Not on your life. They've turned out to be a bunch of busybodies and gossips ... remember, I went there some 2000 years ago, had an affair with a little Jewish girl, and believe it or not, they're still talking about it."

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"