A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have." "That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!"

A farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and... everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."

A man was shopping in the men's department at Harrod's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?" The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly---What I need is a new tie!"

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee. Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty.'"

What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope? In both cases, you really don't want to look down.

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"